Young Writers Society

Edit: I will rewrite this!! Cha!!
In the meantime, reviews are greatly appreciated--they inspire me, make me feel loved, give me things to improve on, and just generally help me write more. So thanks for reviewing. ^_^

Not sure about the title.
I wanted to make a sort of tribute to everyone who feels unseen--not just that they can disappear into a crowd easily, but that no one sees who they really are. It's not just seeing the outer person, it's seeing their true nature. Think something along the lines of "I see you" in James Cameron's Avatar (the one with the blue guys.)

Please dissect this as much as possible--wording, phrasing, punctuation, everything. I want this to be awesome. The thing is, I don't have a real tune in mind for it--what I have in my head is dull and boring. I'm thinking of trying to collaborate with another person that I know composes music, but I kinda wanted to get the words down first.
--------------------------------------
You walk alone down the hallway
Wishing someone could see you
But nobody does, so
You go on
Hiding behind your mask of
Indifference
Or maybe it's rage or calm or bitterness
I don't know because I don't know you
But I know
Your kind.

-Chorus-
You're the cringing violet crouching in the corner
Scared to even make a peep.
You're the cold, hard rebel, prone to violence
You might blow up
Every time you speak.
And what about
The perfect one
Seems to have everything under the sun
But nobody sees you.

You are alone in your group of friends
You never feel you can truly trust them.
You do and say things to fit in
But nobody sees you.

You make bad jokes, and talk real loud
You're at your best in front of a crowd.
People say you're annoying, you shrug if off
At least that means they can hear you talk--
But nobody sees you.

-Chorus-

You have the clothes and you follow trends
You command attention when you walk in
All your belonging look new
People want in your group
But nobody sees you.

You're always happy and wear a smile
You're always ready to talk for a while
Nobody hates you, many know your name
You always sympathize with another's pain
But nobody sees you.

You get straight A's and take ballet
Studying's what consumes your days
You're always first, seems like you're the best
You always ace every single test
You've always been the teacher's pet
But nobody sees you.
-Chorus-
--------------------------------

I think the "You have the clothes" verse is crap, but here it is in its entirety.

Though I really feel the content, the real drama is in these lines:

You are alone in your group of friends
You never feel you can truly trust them.
You do and say things to fit in
But nobody sees you.

You make bad jokes, and talk real loud
You're at your best in front of a crowd.
People say you're annoying, you shrug if off
At least that means they can hear you talk--
But nobody sees you.

I must say that the message is too good. You can work a little bit more on the chorus and put more feelings into it if you want to carve this one PERFECTLY. otherwise its already a masterpiece. Keep it Up!!

First thing first, include the entire song as you wrote it. I won't give an entire review until I see all of it. I'll give a full opinion of the title as well then. I learned on my own that if you're helping someone write a song or get the track down or record it, sure, you can see the incomplete version. BUT, you want me to fill the purpose of valuing what you present, so I have to see everything you intended because I can't read your mind. Just food for thought. Let me know when it's all there.

animekaratepup wrote:Not sure about the title.

Hm. We'll see once the review is done.

I want this to be awesome.

Understand this, I won't write for you. I don't want to. I don't think you're wanting me to either or asking me to, so good.

The thing is, I don't have a real tune in mind for it--what I have in my head is dull and boring.

I'd prefer if you did honestly, it makes hearing the lyrics so much easier, but hey, no pain no gain. It's just a preference, but I've had this plenty.

--------------------------------------
You walk alone down the hallway
Wishing someone could see you
But nobody does, so
You go on
Hiding behind your mask of
Indifference
Or maybe it's rage or calm or bitterness
I don't know because I don't know you
But I know
Your kind.

Too much "or" too much fractured images. First thing first, this is as indirect as possible. The most concrete thing you offer me is "hallway" and then "mask" and that's it. It's emotion and turmoil. See how a beat can help in reading lyrics? I'm more or less reading blind. Lyrics are different from poetry and prose, they cannot impart the feeling that's meant to be done in the sung voice.

So! What to do here? Get descriptive and add in something that creates a constant image, or developing one. Stop telling, you have to show as much as you sing well.

-Chorus-
You're the cringing violet crouching in the corner
Scared to even make a peep.
You're the cold, hard rebel, prone to violence
You might blow up
Every time you speak.
And what about
The perfect one
Seems to have everything under the sun
But nobody sees you.

Hey now, there are some good lines here! I mean it. The first relies on too much on alliteration, but depending on style I can see you getting away with it. I'm seeing a Taylor Swift like pseudo New Country chorus here. Sorry if that's an insult. One thing about about the second: "even" causes a sudden dip, it's naturally not accented there, it reads as "ScarED TO even MAke a peEP". Is that ok for you?

For the third line, don't touch it, but there must be a pause at the end, you've imparted a wonderful string that needs to be given a moment to sink in. The next two can be done in quick succession of one another. I like them as well.

And then "And what about/ The perfect one" is fine, but the last two lines kill everything. What are you trying to say? This is where your earlier lack of concrete imagery is killing you.

You are alone in your group of friends
You never feel you can truly trust them.
You do and say things to fit in
But nobody sees you.

Hm. Is this sequentially the best progression? Again, we've had almost no concrete details but emotion. These aren't terrible lines, though they get very inward and border on emo; what they lack is an anchor before. You need to find a metaphor, a simile, some device to put it the first few lines of this song to relate to this "Ghost Child". Honestly, the title is where the problem starts now. It doesn't do much but make this song harder to understand.

You make bad jokes, and talk real loud
You're at your best in front of a crowd.
People say you're annoying, you shrug if off
At least that means they can hear you talk--
But nobody sees you.

Hmm, conflicted feelings, drama, some depth. Again, I like. I'm going to be frank, you show some sparks of talent and ability. The problem is you are still losing progression and patience of the listener and more importantly, the agent/recording company, since they can't find links throughout the song and the title.

-Chorus-

You have the clothes and you follow trends
You command attention when you walk in
All your belonging look new
People want in your group
But nobody sees you.

You're always happy and wear a smile
You're always ready to talk for a while
Nobody hates you, many know your name
You always sympathize with another's pain
But nobody sees you.

You get straight A's and take ballet
Studying's what consumes your days
You're always first, seems like you're the best
You always ace every single test
You've always been the teacher's pet
But nobody sees you.
-Chorus-
--------------------------------

I think the "You have the clothes" verse is crap, but here it is in its entirety.

Agreed but it actually serves a purpose that you could move earlier in the song. You need to develop the reason why people should listen and identify with the song; this is about being alone inside. You appear happy, but no one actually communicates with you and realizes you have some inner desires to actually live. So! The final section does what you should have before: establishes concrete, visual, tangible ideas and messages that we can identify with.

So why do you wait? Study song structure and look at the popular stuff today and in the past. They normally are top heavy or medium heavy and then repeat themselves or dwindle away. This is because you can't hammer into the reader constantly. Understand? They key now is figuring out what images you need and you don't need.

I'd say send me rewrites of this, but I'm not so sure how quickly I can get back to you in the near future. This is not bad or a lost cause and I'm glad I saw it. There's a lot to work with and hopefully my opinions offered something!

Very nice, I can really relate to a few things in here. I suggest you go through and edit what can be made better but other then that I loved it. Great job and good luck in future writes.

A couple of things before I start the review proper:


As for the review:

You walk alone down the hallway
Wishing someone could see you
But nobody does, so
You go on
Hiding behind your mask of
Indifference
Or maybe it's rage or calm or bitterness
I don't know because I don't know you
But I know
Your kind.

First impression: choppy. Second: uhm... what? Part of both impressions have to do with the line breaks, another part with the inconsistent punctuation, but mainly, it's how you jump from one idea to its opposite. "You" wants to be seen, but "you" is hiding. The narrator states something as a fact, then goes "I don't know you", then "I know what you're like". While opposites are interesting when juxtaposed, you need at least some connection to transition between the opposites, and you're missing that here, not to mention you have two leaps in one rather short verse.

Space things out and lead into them a bit more logically; it will help your audience understand more easily which, if you're writing lyrics, is quite important, unless your musical accompaniment is so awesome no one cares about the words.

You're the cringing violet crouching in the corner
Scared to even make a peep.
You're the cold, hard rebel, prone to violence
You might blow up
Every time you speak.
And what about
The perfect one
Seems to have everything under the sun
But nobody sees you.

More jumping. More confusion. Needs more development and transitions. Not to mention fewer "you"s. I think that's three different "you"s, unless there's just one "you" who switches between personalities on the fly.

Also, on a side note, "make a peep" makes me think of someone at a marshmallow factory making one of these diabetic-unfriendly munchies.

You are alone in your group of friends
You never feel you can truly trust them.
You do and say things to fit in
But nobody sees you.

Where'd the rhyme go?

And at this point, after looking over the rest of the lyrics, I'm just going to ask you where the consistency is? There's no pattern to the lyrics aside from the repeated "But nobody sees you" line which makes it difficult for me to feel a coherent rhythm or melody. You have lines that rhyme, but then lines that don't, and you can't even seem to decide upon how many lines should be in one verse.

Having a bit more consistency in your verses might help you figure out a good melody and accompaniment for this since you'd have a pretty consistent rhythm going on. Right now, though, there is no consistent rhythm to this, and it leads to o_O? Not saying it can't/won't work, though.

More consistency and connections within the images you present would also be good. Right now, your lyrics are lacking in that, which makes them hard to relate to. Or, in my case, harder since I don't really relate to the situation presented in the first place.

Overall, not my cup of tea, but that's no fault of yours.