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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Taking Chances

by Iggy


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Author's note: This story, and all of its chapters, have been rated 18+ for the following: violence, mature content, language, sexual activity, use of drugs/alcohol, etc. It is not for the faint of heart, as some scenes may or may not get graphic. If you cannot handle such scenes, thank you for your interest and I ask that you please return to the home page now. If you can handle such scenes, then please, continue on and I hope you enjoy. 

 

Chapter One; Jerr's POV

 

"How could you?" A pair of delicate hands blur towards his chest, shoving him into the closest wall.

 

His skull slams back painfully and he grimaces, ducking his head and closing his eyes tightly. A large hand rises, to feel and gently rub the wound, and slowly his fiery amber eyes find her blazing sapphire hues through his shaggy chocolate brown hair.

 

"How dare I what, sweetheart?" The words are spoken mockingly, his head tilting to the head slightly as he shakes off the pain and straightens up. A step is taken forward and he is an inch from the woman, towering over her petite figure and glaring back down at her.

 

"You know very well, Sam. Last night, the motel, my sister. The one you killed." The woman snaps, her tiny hands balling into angry fists.

 

The corner of his lips slowly tilt up into a faint smirk, his body moving closer to hers, her breasts brushing against his torso and his lips inches from hers as he whispers. "Oh, that bitch? She had it coming."

 

Her indigo irises widen in shock, then fill with anguish and rage. She slaps him, hard, across his stubbly cheek, causing the sound to reverberate in the air. All is silent for a moment, as he stiffens, frozen in place. His bangs obscure his eyes from view, and he can hear her panicking as she slowly registers what she has done. Slowly, he turns, his amber eyes now dark with murderous intent.

 

She is suddenly thrown against the wall, a soft cry of pain escaping her pink lips as he moves in. Slender arms are pinned to her side, his large body pressed against her curvy figure, an inhumane snarl filling her eardrums as the man holds her down. "Fucking bitch." He says in a dangerous whisper, making the blonde tremble in fear.

 

She's terrified of him, yet she holds her own, lifting her porcelain chin defiantly into the air. She takes a deep breath, then moves her eyes up, the swirling blues blazing. "Let me go, Sam. I'm done with you. I want out."

 

He reacted to her words with a snort, his mouth curving into a wicked smile as he responds with a taunting, "No."

 

She shrieks in anger and starts to struggle violently, her feet kicking his shins and making him curse. It only fuels his rage and he tightens his grip on her arms, smashing her harder against the wall.

 

"You aren't going anywhere, Amy." He snarls the words quietly into her ear, his tone furious and possessive.

 

"It's all over, Sam. The road trips, the robberies, the freedom, they were all fun until you started killing people! And then my sister? What is wrong with you? You aren't the Sam I know, you cold, worthless bastard." The woman yelled, her tone filled with despair, sadness, rage. Still struggling, she screamed, "I hate you! I hate you, you inconsiderate fuck! Put me down, I'd rather die than be with you!"

 

Her words stung a bit, and sparked a fire in him, one that longed to consume her. To dominate her and remind her who she belonged to. "You are mine. Mine, Amy. I don't care what it takes, I will handcuff you to the bed and set this house on fire before I let you walk away from me." He growled into her ear, his amber hues burning with lust and anger.

 

His large hands twisted into her long blonde curls, yanking her head back violently, making her look up at him. Soft pink lips parted in surprise, sapphire hues wide and watching him as his head dipped down, closer to that heavenly mouth, a low, primal growl escaping as he drew nearer and nearer.. God, he could practically taste her on his lips, her tongue slowly dancing with his, her exquisite body melting into his as he-

 

"Cut!"

 

The voice penetrated the intimate silence and suddenly, he broke character. He was no longer Samuel James, a psychotic murderer, but Jerrson Hastings, an eighteen-year-old senior at Paramount High. Slowly, he lowered the woman to the ground and reluctantly drew back.

 

Hanna Knight shook her head from side to side, her long tresses whipping around as she, too, broke character. Shyly, she lifted her gaze to meet his, giving him that breathtaking smile. Jerr felt his heart skip a beat as he remembered the smell of her perfume, the feel of her body against his and he swallowed anxiously, giving her a half-tilt of her lips in response as their teacher for the dramatic arts classes, Mr. Tipton, approached them. Behind the elderly man were about fifteen other students, watching them in awe as their teacher started to critique his two best pupils.

 

"That was amazing, you two. Spectacular, I won't lie. Interact with each other was golden, the intimacy was real. Emotions were dead-on, words were, as usual, accurate, dialouge was perfect! Excellent, excellent." He mused, rubbing his wrinkled hands together and giving them both an approving nod before turning to address the class. "You can learn a lot from these two! Give them a hand, class, they were amazing."

 

Hanna's porcelain cheeks flushed pink and she lowered her gaze, modestly bowing her head as the students applauded them. Jerr thanked them with a smile and a nod, then motioned to Hanna, as if to give all of his credit to her. This made her blush deeper and she fixed a big smile on her face, blinking at him with blue eyes that declared vengence.

 

Smirking, he slowly brushed past her to make his way back to his seat, lightly caressing her back in a soothing manner. The mere touch of her body made his fingertips tingle and his heart beat accelerate. The image of her pressed against the wall before him was seared into the insides of his eyelids, her thighs lightly hooked around his waist. He recalled the smell of her blonde curls, green apple and cucumber, invading his nostrils and making his thoughts hazy as his lips drew closer and closer to her own, her eyes wide with something unexplainable, something hidden behind the pain and anger of her character. Could it have been desire? Desire for him or desire for Sam? Was this Hanna's desire or Amy's desire? His eyes closed shut and he furrowed his brow, leaning his forehead against his palm, trying to investigate when his name was yelled.

 

Amber eyes snapped open to see the entire class yelling at him. Mr. Tipton had his arms on her hips, fixing him with a stern gaze. "Did you so happen to catch what I had assigned for homework, Mr. Hastings?"

 

"Uh.. Was it to review the script for the Christmas play..?" Jerr said the first thing that popped into his head, wincing as the class laughed.

 

Mr. Tipton was not amused. "Yes, that, and what else?" Jerr gave the man an awkward half-smile, which was unreturned, and flashed an SOS fleeting look to Hanna, who was towards the front and in his view of sight.

 

She mouthed the word review and mimicking writing on paper. "Write a review?" He guessed, lifting a broad shoulder in a shrug and glancing up at his teacher.

 

"Yes, Mr. Hastings, as Ms. Knight was so kind to inform you, not only do you look over the script for the Christmas play but a focus free write is due. I want a paragraph or more describing your thoughts and emotions towards this week's activity, which was the short play." The man announced, turning to fix Hanna with a stern gaze before returning to his desk. "Class is dismissed."

 

Conversation immediately broke out amongst the drama kids, and Jerr rose to his feet, shuffling to the back of the room to grab up his simple black backpack and Hanna's tan leather shoulderbag, to which he carried over to her and slipped it on her arm.

 

"Thanks, Jerry. Shall we?" She asked in a light, cheerful voice, smiling up at him as the bell rang, signaling the end of the day.

 

Jerr felt his stomach twist slightly as he gazed into her beautiful face, and smiled, a large hand wrapping around her slender arm and dragging her out the door. "Any plans tonight?" He questioned casually, hurrying her down the halls and making a right, his careless movements causing him to knock straight into someone and sending all three of them to the ground.

 

Groaning in pain, he groggily propped himself up on his elbows to see a dark haired guy crumpled next to Hanna, who shook his arm and was asking if he was okay.

 

"Yeah, I'm alright." The stranger responded, giving her a crooked smile as he slowly sat up. He was incredibly handsome, with tousled black hair and melting chocolate brown hair, his lips curling up into a slight smile.

 

It was clear Hanna noticed too, because she flushed a faint pink and smoothed out her floral skirt, her pocelain legs pressing together slightly and tucking underneath her bottom. She smiled at the stranger and explained, "Sorry about that. Jerr was in a hurry for God knows why and he wasn't looking." Jerr's eyes narrowed with a quiet rage as he saw this man, who introduced himself as Parker, shake Hanna's hand and wave away her apologies.

 

When those brown eyes turned to meet his cold amber ones, Jerr nodded briefly. "Yeah, sorry about that, man."

 

"No worries!" Parker exclaimed as he rose to his feet and turned, extending a muscular hand to Hanna. Jerr couldn't help but growl low in his throat as she accepted, rising to her feet and straightening her clothes, then thanking him with a smile.

 

"Are you new here, Parker?" Hanna asked, tucking a loose curl of blonde hair behind her ear, eyes fixed upon his face.

 

"Yeah, I actually just barely registered twenty minutes ago. I'll be starting tomorrow as a senior." Parker grinned down at the little lass, sliding a piece of paper out of his pocket and unfolding it. He handed his schedule to Hanna, who squealed when she saw what he had.

 

"Oh, we have second period Honors English together! And look, Jerr, he has theater with us! This is great, we'll do our best to help you out, Parker. Right, Jerr?"

 

Hanna turned to bat her eyelashes at him, her eyes wide with pleading. Jerr felt himself melt at her begging and he managed a nod, eyes glancing up to briefly meet Parker's gaze. "Yeah, sure, man."

 

"Great! Thanks, guys, I appreciate this so much. Hey, I gotta jet now, but I'll see you tomorrow, Hanna and Jerr!" Parker gave Hanna a bright smile and then shook Jerr's hand. His touch was cold and eerie, and Jerr lifted his gaze to meet the others, seeing a cool and collected expression obscured from Hanna's view. Jerr couldn't tell for sure, but he had a bad feeling this guy would develop the hots for Hanna. His Hanna.

 

Once the guy left, Jerr growled again, a bit louder and directed his best friend down the hall and to their lockers.

 

"He seems nice!" Hanna giggled softly over her shoulder as she shuffled about in her locker, pulling out her other notebooks and depositing them into her bag. He was quick to join her and they locked the doors, then continued down the hall and into the front lawn, making their way to the student parking lot.

 

"Not really." Jerr spoke in a detached, blunt voice, sliding a hand into his pocket to pull out his keys. A press of a button and a black Chevy was unlocked. Jerr was quick to reach his old truck and open Hanna's door for her, waiting for the beautiful woman to get inside and buckle up before closing the door and getting in on his side.

 

"You don't like him? Why not?" Hanna yelled over the engine, staring at him as he climbed into the driver's seat and buckled up, then glanced over his shoulder to back out of the parking lot, avoiding her enticing gaze.

 

"He just seems like a jerk." Jerr said slowly, carefully, shrugging nonchalantly while his eyes remained fixed on the road. He took all of the correct turns and lanes, hoping to get the blonde home before she exploded on him.

 

"What?! Bullshit, Jerr, you're just jealous because he's hot." Hanna declared with a smirk, folding her arms across her chest.

 

Jerr chuckled and shook his head, her movement causing him to glance over and see her arms brushing against her plump breasts. His stomach twisted again and he spoke in a cracked voice, "Don't care. I just know I won't like him, and neither should you."

 

Hanna bristled at that, her eyebrow raised in surprise. "Excuse me? I can socialize with whoever I want to, Jerr." She said in a slightly angered voice, turning to look up at him.

 

"I don't trust him, Hanna. He looks like the type of guy that would hurt you." Jerr retaliated, feeling a bit of anger himself at the thought of this bastard hurting his girl.

 

"Doesn't matter! Don't worry about it, Jerr." Hanna snapped and fiercely dug a manicured nail into the release button of her seatbelt as he pulled into her circular driveway. She opened the door and hopped down, then turned to snatch up her bag. Her eyes were angry and she fixed him with a look, saying a bit stiffly, "Thanks for the ride. See you tomorrow."

 

Jerr watched her walk away, up her porch and into her house, his mouth set in a frown as he sighed deeply. Then, silently, he slowly backed out of her driveway and made his way home, his mind on her, always on her. Always on Hanna Knight, the woman he loved, the one he was too afraid of losing, too afriad to tell her how he felt.

 

Perhaps he should tell her, before it was too late, but Jerr was cautious, terrified, and weak. This was the one person he couldn't bear to live without.

 

Author's note: Yeah, I know, it was a somewhat clean chapter, regardless of the language. So, review or comment if you'd like, hopefully I will have enough inspiration to post chapter two soon! :)


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Thu Apr 24, 2014 6:46 am
QueenOfWords wrote a review...



Hey Iggy, just going to point out a few technical errors for you.
In the very beginning, the woman says "How could you", but the man says "How dare I". Not sure if that was intentional, but it just seemed kind of weird to me.
And then in the next sentence, "his head tilted to the head." Um.
Several paragraphs later, the woman is yelling, but you used a period instead of an exclamation point. That could work, but I think it would be more effective if you did it the other way.
After it's revealed that this is a play, Hannah smiles at him and he gives her a half-tilt of /her/ lips...?
Is Mr. Tipton supposed to be their teacher for the dramatic arts class or classes?
When going over the qualities of their acting, the teacher says interact, but I think interaction would be a more appropriate word.
I think heart beat should be one word.
Just before leaving class, "Mr. Tipton had his arms on her hips." I think you meant to say "hands on his hips".
And that's all I could find. I'm not a romance fan and I don't do much noveling, so I can't really comment on anything else.




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 10:19 pm
ChangeTheWorld wrote a review...



Back again!

his head tilting to the head slightly

I'm sure you didn't mean to have this extra "head" in here. And then just a small comment about the sentence previous to this one. I think you said something like "her blazing sapphire hues" does this mean her eyes? If so, you should just say eyes.

The corner of his lips slowly tilt up into a faint smirk, his body moving closer to hers, her breasts brushing against his torso and his lips inches from hers as he whispers. "Oh, that bitch? She had it coming."

I love this. I can just feel the tension. I am wondering why she feels same pushing him if he just killed her sister though?

AHHHHH!!!!! Yay! I loved this so much. I have a soft spot for romances, especially in the guy's perspective. Please post again. The character's and their dynamic are great. The names too, I like them. I think that's it. This will be one of my shortest reviews ever because it was good. There were a few spelling and grammar mistakes but nothing major. This was my favorite thing I read of yours.
Okay bysies!
Team Rouge.




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:19 am
Lozzanator wrote a review...



There are couple of nitpicks that have previously been pointed out but I won't.
I know I'm a bit late but I only joined yesterday so... well, yeah.
Anyway, I really really REALLY like this. The character of Hanna is a little simple, but I like that about her. She shows that she's not spineless as well as shy when she snaps at Jerr later. I also love the character of Jerr. When I first started reading this, I wanted to close the story because I thought it was too nasty. I was so relieved to find out that Sam and Amy were just characters of a play.
Keep up the amazing skill in all future works and I will continue to carry on with this brilliant story you have created. ~ Lozzanator




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Sun May 26, 2013 1:19 pm
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cgirl1118 wrote a review...



*claps loudly* This was an amazing job! Definitely not meant for little kids but amazing! At first I was like, oh no he's going to kill her. Then it turns out to be a drama class and two teens were acting. Great job on that! From the very first sentence I was drawn into the story and I kept on reading. There was no grammar or spelling mistakes I found in here so that's good. I definitely want to read more!


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Sun May 26, 2013 12:03 am
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Carina wrote a review...



Hey, lame-o. Must be weird for you to post my reviews for me and see me talk about yourself. Well, suck it up. Also, I'm writing this through my tablet on a bumpy bus, and its a total pain in the booty to do, so love me.

First off, I looooooved your transition. I first read this and was like, omg, what. Then I saw the great theatrical transition, and it worked nicely like a hot knife through butter. (Excuse my lameness; I am lacking about twenty hours of sleep.)

Your writing style is to die for, my old Iggysaurous. I loved the detail, even the intimate ones, and the story just came to life. I liked how you mentioned the eyes a lot, but why not take that to the next level and describe them more flowery? For example, instead of saying that Hanna's eyes were sapphire blue, why not say that they were as inticing as an ocean--big, blue, and endlessly deep that was full of life on the top, and then full of hushed untold secrets below? But since this is a novel, maybe that's not the most accepted language to use. Anywhos, your descriptions were spot on anyways, especially with all the yummy sensory details that gave the story a lot of spicy spiffines and and a pinch of delightful sweetness. (I don't know man, just ignore me lol.)

Your characters were realistic and very believable, and I'm sure excellent character development is going to float to the surface as the chapters go on. However, I think you can clear up their age a little more. I'm not sure if they're in college or high school (I'm assuming college, right?), and maybe you can let one of those two options slip out somewhere.

The only grammatical error I caught was between dialogue. Instead of a period which ultimately ends a sentence, there should be a comma after a quotation mark if you're continuing on the sentence. For example:

"Bkah blah stupid tabket always making spelling mistakes that I'm too lazy to fix," Carina said in irritation.

This only applies if the stuff after the quotation marks is not a complete sentence. If it is, then yeah, man, period all the way. Sorry if you knew this already; I'm just really bored on this bus lol.

As for a minor nitpick,

He was incredibly handsome, with tousled black hair and melting chocolate brown hair ...

I think you meant eyes, and its probs just a typo, so its all G.

Overall, you are a great writer and I am totes jelly. You should def lemme know when the next chapter is out, okaaay? Jerr is a pretty sweet guy, though. You should make a character named Carina and have her fall in love with him. Loljk, I'm already engaged to Logan.

Sorry if this review had weird slip ups. I'm too lazy to look back at it. Dumb tablet, you suck. My advice to you: invest in an I pad instead.

Hurry up and reply to my texts, okay.




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Mon May 13, 2013 10:25 pm
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carbonCore wrote a review...



Some people eat fish, some people eat fowl, some people don't eat meat at all -- just like some people like adjectives, some people don't like them, and some people don't read (the poor souls). I fall into the second category of that latter list. There's no need to specify that her hands were tiny -- a boy is already bigger than a girl, and this boy has been said to have large arms too, so it would stand to reason that her hands would be proportionally smaller than his. When that additional effort to specify the tininess of her hands is taken, the first image that my mind conjures is that of a normal young adult with midget-sized hands -- not exactly what you were shooting for, I suspect. Same thing about the boy, while we're at it. Are his arms large compared to an average boy, or just compared to Hannah's? Is he ripped? Is he fat? Perhaps it would be better to describe rippling muscles or jiggling lard rather than leave me to my imagination. Indeed, even though I equate adjectives with overdescription, it's easy to underdescribe with them as well.

Some adjectives are also repeated multiple times in the story; her chin is porcelain, her cheek is porcelain, her leg is porcelain... is she an animated China doll? That'd be a pretty sick twist, actually. I was also eagerly reminded that her eyes were indigo and his were amber over the progression of the story. Why was that necessary? Is this a universe in which eyes spontaneously change colour, and the reader must be continuously re-assured that the characters' eyes are, indeed, the same as they were before?

Speaking of eyes, and of character descriptions in general: tie them into the story somehow. I actually had to go back and check what colour Hannah's eyes were when I was writing the above paragraph. Although it's repeated multiple times, her eye colour is never made important or significant. It doesn't necessarily have to tie into the story, but the reader should at least have some reason to remember their colour. Perhaps the school stands on a lake, and Jerr finds himself comparing the lakewater to her eyes, and how easily he sinks there. Some interesting, relevant connection must be made to the story at large, to anchor the reader's perception of the character within the rest of the story.

We humans memorize patterns and relationships between things much better than things themselves. Would it be easier to remember just a whole bunch of random, disconnected dates, or learn the events associated with those dates? This also goes hand in hand with spacing your descriptions out. The Police Sketch description ("he was this tall, this wide, this handsome") doesn't work. I forget it 3 paragraphs later. I couldn't tell you what the bad guy looks like right now, other than that his hair was a dark colour, and I have dark hair too, and my reviews sometimes tend to show me as the bad guy, and he was also the bad guy... you get the point. I remembered it because of a connection I made myself, with myself. Bjorn from Iceland has blonde hair, and he won't remember that the bad guy had dark hair, he'll remember something else. To be sure your reader remembers, you have to make some connections yourself. It doesn't matter what the connection is -- as long as there is a connection, the reader will have that much easier of a time remembering the fact.

As I understood it, the point where Jerr breaks character was supposed to be something of a pivotal shift in tone, from being (acting as) a rough lover, then again becoming a tame classmate. If so, why did he immediately go back to fantasizing about Hanna? I get it; he's got the hots for her. His obsession with her hair and her breasts and her everything else did not have to be repeated as many times as it was.

There is a great book called How Not To Write A Novel, and it has a chapter called "Why Your Job Is Harder Than God's" -- you have to explain every single choice you make to pull the reader in, while in real life, things just happen and you accept them. Why exactly does Jerr like Hannah? Is it just because she's hot? Two teens falling in love is as natural as the sunrise and sunset; this may as well be a fancily described story about ice melting in the water. Attraction based on looks is as inevitable as chemistry. Sadly, I'm not there to feel the heat of her body, so my attraction to Hannah (and thus sympathy to Jerr) will have to come from a source other than just looks. That's where you, as a romance writer, come in: you make up interesting and believable situations which cause people to fall in love. Even Bella did not fall in love with Edward just because he sparkles.

Why did all three of them fall down when Jerr bumped into Parker? Does Jerr carry his collection of grappling hooks on his person at all times? Wasn't Jerr supposed to be big? They weren't running down the hall; how did a single bump send them all flying?

Also, why was Jerr upset at Parker for bumping into him? As far as I understand, Jerr was the one who wasn't paying attention. Then he develops a random distrust of Parker out of the blue. Jerr's not a very nice person when I think of him like that.

Why was Hannah mad at Jerr in the car? I don't know if they're boyfriend or girlfriend or not, but at the very least, he's giving her a ride home. The least she could do is appreciate Jerr more than some random guy they literally bumped into in the hallway. But no, she immediately takes the side of Parker, despite having just met him, and punishing Jerr instead by being angry at him. Why did she do this? Was she swayed by his good looks? Is she that shallow? Huh, I guess Hannah's not a very nice person, either.

Having said all that, I did find your prose to flow easily -- cull the adjectives and you'll have a real pageturner style on your hands. And despite certain poor word choices, others were there to balance them out. I choked on my pryanik a little bit when I read the word "dominate". Good job on that.

Your chance-taker,
cC




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Thu Apr 18, 2013 4:16 pm
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LadySpark wrote a review...



Hi, Iggy! :D
Let's get down to the deep and dirty, shall we? (Also, I freaking love this chapter omg)

"It's all over, Sam. The road trips, the robberies, the freedom, they were all fun until you started killing people! And then my sister? What is wrong with you? You aren't the Jerr I know, you cold, worthless bastard."

Sam? I thought his name was Jerr...

you unconsiderate f*ck!

inconsiderate, dear. (Also, just censoring all this stuff because the review shows up on the front page. Just so you know xD)

sapphire hues

I love how many different ways you've described their eyes, but you just called his eyes amber hues. Perhaps try a different way to describe them?

The voice penetrated the intimate silence and suddenly, he broke character. He was no longer Samuel James, a psychotic murderer, but Jerrson Hastings,

Oh, so his characters name is Sam? Then you need to go up and edit all the times she called him Jerr. (I can understand the mistake now xD) Even in his thoughts and descriptions, because at the time, he's playing Sam, so you need to consider them two separate charries.

giving her a half-tilt of her lips

his?

making his dazy as his lips drew closer

dizzy? xD


Okay. Wow. This is utterly fantastic. *claps* I only have one overall note for you to consider, and of course the nitpicks above. But seriously, you could leave it as is and it'd still be fantastic. Omg. I love it. You better continue!

But anyway, one thing. You describe their eyes in like twenty different ways in the beginning. And you really don't need too. I can't decide if it adds or detracts from the story, because it's almost like you're repeating information over and over. You don't have to do that, or you don't have to do that as often. If that makes any sense.

Anyway, loved it! Let me know when the next chapter is out! <3

~Sparks




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Thu Apr 18, 2013 2:37 pm
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ChimeraMania wrote a review...



Oh my gosh I smell a good book coming out of this one. The language is okay, it just show that she was mad because of what Jerry said. I love the beginning of it, how it starts out in theater class. You could tell even though he was acting that he liked her.
Then when they bumped into that that, Parker. You could just feel the jealously on Jerry.
This story is like real life.
There was some places where I think you mean one word, but you mess up and say another. I can't point out all of them, but either way it was still good.
What I do when I write, I go back and read it like three times to make sure it makes since, even though I sometimes miss some I still get a lot out of it. You should try it sometimes.
This first chapter isn't even bad, its like really really good. And I so agree with SkylerLestrange it was very good.
Hope you right another chapter.




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Thu Apr 18, 2013 10:42 am
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SkylerLestrange wrote a review...



AWWWWWWWWWW THIS IS SO VERY VERY CUTE!!!!! I'll keep reading thanks ^^





There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.
— Maya Angelou