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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Purple Lava Lamp

by mateeah3


My first post on YWS in years! Would love feedback. :)

Purple Lava Lamp

Purple haze illuminates her purple room

Casting distorted shadows of the dolls and cars,

Scattered across her canvas.

Her little finger points to a ball of lava,

Rising, rising, bouncing against another.

Slow, like honey,

Where the concept of time

Never existed.

Her eyes are lit with fiery curiosity

That breaks your heart with a glance.

Her radiance penetrates me –

All I can wonder

Is when did I fall into complexity,

When did this maze

Grow around me

And obscure the sky?

When did my favorite thing

Change from a purple lava lamp,

To my imaginary prison?

And can I borrow some shears?


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:33 pm
Gardevite wrote a review...



Hey! Review day review :D

I liked your poem the subject of children being amazed with the simplest things is such and intresting subject to explore!

Now you used the word "purple" quite a bit. Try going for different shades of purple, or maybe some ddifferent colours.

Now I'm not really sure what you're trying to say by this piece. Is it that children grow up to fast? Because that's the feeling I got from reading this.

So overall I liked your use of imagery in this poem, just remember to vary it and try to be clearer with what you're trying to say.




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:27 am
Blackwood wrote a review...



I don't completely understand this, even after reading your explanation below. However I think you have some very nice imagery in here.

Your poem raises me some questions. Is the girl the narrator in younger form? Is the girl a younger sibling? is the girl someone else that the narrator looks upon and reminisces of herself?

You have a few missed punctuation here, like the very first line I feel should have a comma at the end. Also after "grow around me".

Also in the point that Iggy made about Dolls and cares is your use of purple, a cross between red/pink and blue, male and female done for this same purpose? Or was it a very effective coincidence?

Where the concept of time

Never existed.


I think here you need to think about it a bit more. I think that the message you are trying to portray here is that time didn't matter and she lives on not worrying about it, however what you have written is more of not knowing that time exists. Children know that time exists at the moment they learn what clock is. At the moment they have to spend time waiting for their parents. I get the feeling the child here is 6-8 years old, if she was younger then the way you portrayed her in this poem may be too advanced for a baby.

Good work and keep it up.




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Fri Aug 23, 2013 6:22 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello there.

Purple haze illuminates her purple room


Purple lamp in a purple room? With what, purple sheets and a purple dresser and a purple backpack? How boring, really. Try spicing it up with different shades of purple, or different shades period. Purple looks excellent against gray, so try a gray background.

of the dolls and cars


Ooh interesting. So are her parents gender neutral, meaning they don't limit what their child does or wears that specifically categorizes her into a defined gender group? Of was that just a mistake on your part? If it was, try replacing cars with crayons or something.

scattered across her canvas


Still wondering where that came from.

And can I borrow some shears?


A nice ending, really nice.

My biggest nitpick is the message. I don't understand what you are trying to get across. First this seems like the innocence of a child, fascinated by a lava lamp, then you throw in lines of someone trapped. Who? The same person, just grown up? Or is her prison the crib? I'm confused, and maybe other readers are too. Work on trying to get that message acrosss loud and clear, but cleverly covered.

The poem was still a pleasure to read. You have a very nice way with words, and the way you get the poem to flow at certain points is nicely done. I encourage you to take my advice, or the advice of others.

Keep on writing!

~Iggy




mateeah3 says...


Thanks for the review! Great suggestions - I didn't even think about being creative with different shades of purple. The comment about the canvas - the canvas is her room, her playground, like a canvas. And I did I intend to be gender neutral ;)

As for the message, I see how it can be a bit confusing. I do enjoy making my poems not initially basic and easy to understand - personally, my favorite poems to just the opposite, and I have to ponder the message for a few days or even weeks. I will, perhaps, attempt to make the message more clear. Oh, and the message itself is the contrast between the innocence of the child and the complexity and non-innocence of, who I call in my poem, "I", the watcher of the child.

Thank you for the insights :)

-mateeah



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Thu Aug 22, 2013 11:22 pm
ChangeTheWorld wrote a review...



First off, I love anything from a child's point of view because it's just so different and interesting. These kinds of works always give such a different feel and children can be extremely hard to write for so it's cool you accepted the challenge. :)

"Her little finger points to a ball of lava,
Rising, rising, bouncing against another."

Good imagery, I can really see it.

"Slow, like honey,
Where the concept of time
Never existed."

This is so true, and a really clever way to describe the way a lava lamp moves.

"That breaks your heart with a glance."

I like this line, but I have a question. Is this poem about loss of innocence and growing up? Is that why it breaks her heart, because she knows the little girl's fate?

"When did this maze
Grow around me
And obscure the sky?"

Love this. Plus the rest of it is really good. How seeing innocence can make you remember? Unless I'm reading it wrong. Well If I am then it's my fault. Really good poem, empowering I think.





The moral of Snow White is never eat apples.
— Lemony Snicket