z

Young Writers Society


12+

Fantastical Book 1: The Mirror (Prologue)

by RedMoon


Dark clouds covered the sun, casting the world into a gray mood. Lightning flashed across the sky and thunder boomed out a warning. It began to rain, starting as a light sprinkle and soon turning into a downpour. Below a small town suffered underneath the onslaught. Any foolish enough to ignore the warning boom rushed about to get to safety before they were washed away in the merciless rain. Cars drove slowly, windshield wipers working over-time to clear away the water.

At the edge of town, a good two miles away from any major buildings and homes, there was a large junk yard. Trash lay carefully sorted into seperate piles. A lone rat poked his snout out of a large pile of household trash, a piece of old food in his mouth. He scurried across the clear ground, braving the storm to get to a safer shelter. His fur was plastered to his thin, little body and he stumbled along, nearly blind in the torrent of water that came rushing down on his head. He took momentary relief under an up turned table, and, protected from the worst, he panted and leaned against the bottom of a body-length mirror.

Suddenly, the glass started to grow warm and the little rat squeaked with fright as it took on a yellow glow. He dropped his food and raced away, not willing to stay and see what happened. The mirror glowed brighter and a hand reached through the glass. It pushed away the table in front and disappeared back into the light only to reappear a moment later. It grasped the edge and out stepped a young man dragging an even younger woman with him. The woman sobbed and collapsed to the ground, holding her bundle close to her body. She looked up at the man through tear filled eyes and screamed at him.

"We left her! We left her behind! Go back, go back now, before the portal closes and drag her through!"

As if on cue, the mirror's light pulsed and then faded. The woman screamed again, and buried her face in the bundle, crying hard. The young man looked down with pity in his eyes and moved to comfort her, but she pulled away and turned her back on him. He paused, looking hurt, but laid a hand on her back. She stiffened, but didn't pull away this time.

She expected to hear words of comfort and was immediately ready to shoot them down, but instead, he only said, "We need to get out of this rain. We're going to drown."

Surprised, she turned and looked into his eyes, seeing for the first time the hurt that lay within in his soul. Like her, he had done the exact opposite of anything he had ever been trained to do. And he was probably hurting worse than she. The woman's eyes softened in understanding and she nodded. Holding her bundle close to her body, she stood and started to walk, but hesitated, looking back at the mirror. As if reading her mind, the young man picked up the mirror, grunting at the exertion and then lead her to a small shed. Kicking open the door, he laid the mirror inside and motioned her to follow. She did so gratefully and sunk to the floor. The young man looked down at her bundle.

"Is the child all right?"

Pulling back the blanket, the woman peered down at the small infant in her hands. She was sleeping peacefully, a tiny smile on her face as she dreamed. The woman looked up and nodded.

"Yes. She may be a little cold and hungry in a while, but we'll deal with that when the time comes."

The young man nodded and stared out a little window into the storm. The woman looked up her companion. Drops of rain rolled down his leather tunic and dripped on the floor. His white shirt and black breeches were soaked with water and his face was ragged and tired. She knew that she had probably fared no different. Her own clothes were soaked and clung to her like a second skin, but she ignored it, unable to do anything about it.

They stared out the window together, sitting in awkward silence. Finally, the woman put a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

He looked up, surprised. "For what?"

"I shouldn't have yelled at you. I was scared and angry, but I was wrong," she said. "I know you did everything you could possibly have done."

The young man looked back out into the storm. Clearly he wasn't convinced. The woman tried again.

"You can't blame yourself. You know how stubborn she can be. And you also know that she had to stay. Besides, we must follow the orders she gave us, and you can't do that if you're pouting."

"I'm not pouting," he said, but he cracked into a smile.

Outside, the thunder boomed again, and the child awoke with a shrill cry. The woman turned to her charge and rocked her back and forth, slowly calming her and sending her back to sleep. The young man stood and looked down.

He watched the young woman for a moment. A soft expression flitted across his face before disappearing. The woman never saw it. He went to the door and opened it.

"Wait," the woman called, looking up, and he paused. "Do you have an idea which realm we're in?"

He looked out at the storm and then back at her. "No, not really. But I think she said something about earth when the portal opened."

"Earth?"

"Yes, earth."


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
935 Reviews


Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

Donate
Sun Dec 29, 2013 11:27 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Moon!

Shady here with your very long awaited review. I am very, very sorry how long this was in the coming. But, I've already gone through the apologies, so I'll skip too many here, and jump straight to the review.

Okay, so, I really like the way you set your story up. Your imagery is quite nice, and pulled me into your story well. I always appreciate descriptive writing in stories, and seeing it first thing in your prologue is promising.

At the edge of town, a good two miles away from any major buildings [s]and[s] or homes


...That is really the only complaint I have with this. It's a good pace, and a good story. Well done. I look forward to reading more. c:

Hope this helped~

~Shady 8)




User avatar
304 Reviews


Points: 22897
Reviews: 304

Donate
Wed Oct 16, 2013 7:07 pm
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there! I've got a quick review for you.

I see you've had some other reviewers who got to most of your grammar problems, so I'll focus on the more abstract—things like character development and plot.

Plot:
Good job! You immediately jumped in and got readers interested. This is well-balanced, very well-balanced, because it gives enough information so that readers know what's going on, but just little enough that they want to figure out EXACTLY what is going on. Good job on raising suspense like that.

Setting:
Very good again. You have shown it to be modern-day earth, with a touch of magic and some people from a different realm. Best of all, you did this by just bringing in little objects, like the cars, and clothing. That's really well-done. We know exactly where we are.

Character development:
Not bad. You have quite a few characteristics of your characters already in the limelight, which is good. You didn't go down to finer detail, though. For example, maybe the man habitually runs a hand through his hair. Maybe the woman tugs on a bracelet she's wearing whenever she's nervous. However, this is not the sort of work where you really have to focus on these details, and you have a good base to develop later on. Good job.

Balance in writing:
You have balanced description, action and dialogue quite well, and they mesh together so that it really works together as a coordinated unit. This makes for easy reading. If you wanted to make it serious, you could have made more description and less action, but I don't think that's the genre you're going for, so this light style works well.

Good job! I'm really interested in your plot here!

barefoot




User avatar
34 Reviews


Points: 59
Reviews: 34

Donate
Wed Sep 25, 2013 4:39 pm
RedMoon says...



Thanks for the review. It means a lot that you guys like it so much. I will make sure to go back and edit. And TheMessenger, this is the prologue, so you didn't miss anything. Thanks again! :D




User avatar
129 Reviews


Points: 914
Reviews: 129

Donate
Wed Sep 25, 2013 4:26 pm
WaitingForLife wrote a review...



Heya, Life here for a quick review!

This was well written. You have a strong voice in your narration, backed with a good handling of the words themselves. I've always been a sucker for dimensional traveling, especially when the characters come from a foreign dimension to our - quote-unquote - normal one, and this is no different. You set up a screen of mystery straight from the start, the obscuring weather and the initial narration from a rat's POV supplementing the sinister, mystical happenings. Good use of style there.

Mm, now for a couple of nitpicks I fished out.

Suddenly, it began to rain, starting as a light sprinkle and soon turning into a downpour.


I don't like 'suddenly' here. Firstly, the thunder's warning, as well as the lightning across the sky, are both strong indicators that it's going to rain. Using suddenly after such warnings feels cheap. Secondly, 'suddenly' carries a connotation of, not only speed, but also power. A trickle of rain does not have this power, and isn't thus seen as happening suddenly; it mostly just creeps up on you.

Any foolish enough to ignore the warning boom rushed about to get to safety before they were washed away in the merciless rain.


Added a missing word so that the sentence makes sense.

It grasped the edge and out stepped a young man dragging an even younger woman with him.


Reads better like this in my opinion, and the 'younger' feels less like a repetition.

The woman screamed again, and buried her face in the bundle, crying with all of her might.


Typo here. Also, I've never been a fan of the phrase "to cry with all one's might". To me it sounds as if the person is choosing to cry, and doing so at the best of their ability. I guess that's just a personal preference, though - act on it if you wish.

He paused, looking hurt, but laid a hand on her back.


Laid is the correct form.

...,she stood and started to walk, but hesitated. And looked back at the mirror.


'And' doesn't work here. Use 'She' instead or combine the two: "...but hesitated, glancing back at the mirror.".

She was sleeping peacefully,..


Just a typo here, as well.

Finally, the woman put a hand on his shoulder.


Typo.

..., and you can't do that if you're pouting."


One more typo. Write this in a rush, did we?

"Do you have an idea of which realm we're in?"


This reads clunky. Is the woman's character supposed to have a prim, old-school way of talking? If so, then this works. If not, then go with a simpler sentence construction.

"Yes, earth."


Great, sharp ending.

-----------

The interactions between the man and the woman are the highlight of this part. You've really captured the awkwardness and the guilt about them, to the point that every pause and turn of the head speaks millions. As I said earlier, you've got a strong style that works well with the scenario; more of this and you'll have yourself a good story.

Hit me up, if you would, when you post the next part. I'm interested in seeing where this will go.

Yours truly,
|Life|




User avatar
663 Reviews


Points: 11295
Reviews: 663

Donate
Wed Sep 25, 2013 2:55 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Knight Malachi here to review for the Knights of the Green Room.
I will post problems I see, or things I really like in order as I read them.

So first off your beginning paragraph was top-notch. It was superb; as good as a beginning I've seen from published authors. Great way to get the reader interested early on. Although they have already been if they read the prologue which I didn't.

At the edge of town, a good two miles away from any major buildings and homes, there was a large junk yard. Trash lay everywhere, carefully sorted into seperate piles.

Spelling error: seperate. According to spelling check it should be separate.
Now that lines just seems bad. Not that it lacks description, but it doesn't make much sense. Trash lay EVERYWHERE, carefully sorted into PILES. It seems like it just switched. Is the trash everywhere or in piles?

up turned: should be up-turned

she stood and started to walk, but hesitated. And looked back at the mirror.
You should a comma instead of period in between hesitated and And.

The woman turned to her charge and rocked her back and forth, slowly calming her and sending her back to sleep. The young man stood and looked down.

You got too many her's in this sentence. It isn't really confusing for me, but it's a little jolting to read.

So for the good. Your writing is pretty smooth, and I like your characters so far. Also, your description is pretty good. You have it when and where you need to. It seems like a pretty good plot so far. Let me know when chapter 2 comes out.
Keep it up!





A beautiful funeral doesn't guarantee Heaven.
— Haitian Proverb