Walking down the sidewalk
You notice the smallest of detail
Of the silvery hardened surface
Only because
Your face is descended downwards
Your eyes fixated to the ground
You wish to make no eye contact
With anything or anyone that passes
You wish for your eyes not to deceive you
You have lost all trust in them
You have lost all hope
They have brought pain and suffering
They have brought lies and deceit
Memories begin to bounce about your head
You close your eyes
It is useless
The blackness that drowns your vision
And leaves you in euphoric blindness
Soon become flashing images
You squeeze your eyes tighter
To try and prevent
The salted rain that flows out of them
They show no remorse
You ascend your head
Perhaps to give them another chance
You fixate on another soul
With a similar look of pain
You feel sympathy and empathy
Your eyes begin to glisten
But not of pain
But a feeling of
Happiness
Hopefully this time
Your eyes didn’t deceit you
You notice that the other souls eyes
Do the very same
And then
You lightly smile
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Hi there! Rebel here to review.
My favorite part of your poem was the beginning. I liked the imagery, and I imagined myself kind go being in the character's place. Good job with that.
My favorite line was "The salted rain that flows out of them". Nice metaphor.
Overall, I think you nailed this poem. I can't wait to read more of your writing!
This is a great poem! I can certainly relate to it. I have been disappointed by others far too many times. The way you ended it is very hopeful and warm.
Merci!
I love this! The ending is perfect. Its kind of happy without being at all over the top, like a gimmer of hope; your not alone. I find some of the best work is written in the moment, the minute any inspiration hits you, and this definitely seems to fit that scenario. I also feel that the beginning was done quite well, starting with the sidewalk rather than diving in to quickly. I like the use of repetition with "your eyes not to deceive you." It worked really well in connecting the piece from beginning to end. I honestly don't have any critques for this!
Anyway, I will definitely continue to read your work! Keep writing!
Thank you for the kind words/review!
Dramatic. I like your writing style, it's dramatic. It has a lot of emotion, like a good actor/actress. There are two kinds of people on YSW, the ones that can create good pieces of writing, and then those who cant live up to the expectations of picky critics like me. You are definitely one who can create great pieces. I like your work! Good luck on further pieces. I will definitely read them! 10/10
- alexiss
Thank you so very much I honestly didnt think it was that good I wrote it in like 10 minutes but thank you