Young Writers Society

Hey Writingwolf,


I like where you are feeling strongly about a subject and it takes a certain kind of bravery to speak one's opinion about such controversial issues, so in that sense I applaud what you are doing, you've got your idea for this, that I don't particularly agree with or find convincing, but that's not of a matter. I'm more interested in the poetry in this, as in, I want to see more of the poetry.

Where this poem lacks is in technique and execution and that's what makes this poem rather uninteresting. Another person out of the thousands writing about a bible verse and gay marriage, what should make your poem stand out from these? I would have said the same had this poem been about love and romance, there are millions of those poems, how should yours stand out?

I think the first thing every writer wants to ask themselves is what and who is the poem being written for. Because if somebody is simply writing a poem to express an opinion or vent, the effect on the reader is going to be the same as if you were to just write a simple blog post about it. It's not very interesting in terms of poetry, which is about language and about making art with words, it's also about connecting with your readers. So where this particular poem lacks in technique and the use of poetical devices is where it is coming across more like an uninspired blog post for me.

The Hook: Political poems need a strong hook, it needs to be loud and it needs to be surprising - perhaps use something familiar in a new or innovating way. The opening in this poem is five stanzas long and reads like a preamble of facts, it doesn't say anything new about these facts. A spider building a web is nothing new. So if I say for example:

The sky is blue.

That's a fact, it reads like a wikipedia entry, and it's not surprising or unusual at all which makes it uninteresting.

The sky performs his blue jazz hymn
we see in his eyes the bell of his sax thundering

That's a poem. It uses metaphors and poetic devices to breathe life and newness into something old and factual. I would strongly suggest implementing more imagery/metaphor/poetic devices in this, and we have a lot of resources on this site to help with that!

I hope this helps, let me know if you wish to chat this one out more.

~ as always, Audy

I really like how you based this on a bible verse. (Christian here, very weird christian, but christian nonetheless)

And I like how the work kind of stays away from being somewhat accusatory (as in, the bible says it's wrong so don't do it) and leans a bit more on speculation (the bible says don't do it so what's happening while they do).

I guess what I am trying to say is that you keep personal opinion out of it and simply state the barest facts. And I am sure a lot of users will appreciate that.

I loved the flow of this work, it was really smooth and read very well.
You broke up the stanzas very well too.

I don't know what I was expecting from reading the title, but it sure wasn't this. I think that you did a really good job, Wolf.

~Teen~

Hello!

First off, a few minor nitpicks:

Why can no one see
that in this broken world
there still is a reason
for everything.

A spider builds a web
to catch it's prey.