... Mind if I review this? >_>
I'm not sure I can offer a whole lot of criticism xD magpie hit it on the head. But let's try.
high into the treetops
high on the tree tops.
Are treetops and tree tops two different things? I don't think they are, so I suggest you make that second "tree tops" into one word so it matches the above and makes this prettier. Also, I like the somewhat repetition here. <3
you held out your hand and waited for me to jump
I feel like this can be formed in a better way? The way it's stated makes it sound like she's going to jump into his hand, and since they have a chasm between them, it wouldn't make sense for him to hold out his hand anyways. Maybe he motions or beckons or something?
that i would see you as i dream of you.
The way this is formed is bad. I assume you meant that the narrator wants to see him in a dark cloak, as you state in the next line, but the way this is formed, it sounds like you're trying to say "I want to see you in a dream that I'm dreaming of you" which is pretty much self-explanatory. I suggest revising this and making that connection more clear.
with a dark cloak pulled up over your head
hiding your halo.
Instead of "hiding" how about you try "to hide your halo"? I think it would sound better.
filled with too much gasoline.
What was filled with too much gasoline?
hot to touch
Would be better if it read "hot to the touch."
i would have followed you into hell, i screamed
Change the comma to a semicolon.
OOooOOh that ending. Ugh. That was perfect.
Okay, so boo. This was really good! That's literally all my nitpicks. You've got some extremely strong imagery going here; lots of pretty details. I could clearly envision the pedestals falling and burning and the pain between the narrator and this boy. All of this was just so beautiful and strong and really really amazing.
There's nothing else to say. I really did love that ending, oh my goodness, it was great. This was overall amazing, Pey. The flow and emotion and intricate word choices and imagery and it just came together so perfectly. I loved it beyond words.
Points: 4261
Reviews: 933
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