Young Writers Society

Hello Crimsona!

I have to say, this is a great poem. I really loved some of the imagery you created here, and how you used the wine glass symbolism to demonstrate your message. It was just so wonderfully written! There isn't much to go through here at all, because this was a very good poem. I am going to give you some advice on a whole here though.

I know this poem is written as if someone is being talked to, meaning she is writing it to him, or something. But the only thing I don't like so much is the use of 'you' in the poem. Now some people might like this, but when you see that same word appear a lot you want to change it up a bit or leave it out without ruining the initial poem and imagery you have. I have tweaked one of your verses as an example. But this is merely stylistic choice because if you do want to stress the 'you' then you can leave it.

You were broken glass. (I like the you here because it points out the subject straight away.)
Shimmering and sparkling; a entrancing beauty
that I tried to hold you in my hands. (you put tied here instead of tried... needs correcting)
But it [because we're referring to the beauty which is referring to the you] cut my palms and blood ran down my arms.
And even when my face was distorted with pain
I still thought the crimson dripping to the floor was beautiful.

In the last line there I felt the 'dripping to the floor' was awkward, so I would've put it as it's own stand off line after the before the last in the stanza. And in the last line maybe don't use the word beautiful again, but a synonym of some sort to add variation.

Other than that, a lovely poem as always Crimsona. Keep it up!

Deanie x

Hi Crimsona. Nice work.

Great use of imagery. I like how I visualize images of blood, skin, and glass as I read this poem. As ashams123 said, you did a nice job of putting beautiful-sounding words together. Here's a thumbs up. (y)

I understand this is a free verse, but I think that this poem would be better with more balance and harmony; especially in the second and third verses.

It's your poem, though, and we all have our different styles of writing. I'm not a detail-oriented guy, so I won't delve into the details. Keep writing. I would like to read more from you.

I loved how you worded this. I write things like this all the time! But I feel like it's just words put together in a beautiful way...there is no real substance...if that makes sense? I didn't really understand where you were going, or what the real end result was. Maybe go back and incorporate some kind of storyline? Beautiful poem! Keep it up!

I understand this completely and totally, I understand what it's like to have your heart broken, and I must say, this is very... interesting.

So somebody cut you open like broken glass? I understand the pain, but there are no real details in this.

Love is a pain sometimes, and I get that, but is it really this harsh??

Sorry for being a real bitch

~Sparkles

I like this. I really like this, actually. but some of the errors are bugging me.
In the first stanza, you had: "But you cut my palms and blood ran down my arms. and even when my face was distorted with pain"
You have a period at the end of the first sentence, so you might want to change the 'a' in 'and' to a capital.
It started out beautifully, and flowed quite well, but some of your choices in the second and third stanzas kind of broke it off. It started getting jumbled up, and I got lost, not really understanding what was going on.
If you were to just clean it up a bit, and change some of the words to fit better, then I think you'll be good.
Great piece, keep writing!