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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

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by MasterGrieves


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

#11: Short Term Favouritism

After closer analysis of the past few days, I have realised that Dr. Greenway is not an arsehole, but an annoying paternal figure. He still asks out for my health, despite the answer always being the same: fine. I am fine. I am dandy. I am on top of the fucking world. I mean, my idea of Heaven was always hallucinating about random stuff, and I got my wish (!)

It can’t be all that bad; for one thing, I still have my eyes set on Katie. I still possess the want of her bosom, her fine figure, her golden brown flare. She is always on my mind, even during the brief Stephen debacle, which I have moved on from, by the way. I just wish Dr. Greenway recognised this.

“Now, Robert, you have noted down your hallucinations,” he coughs. “Now I want to talk to you, more specifically about your family."

“What about them?” This was unexpected. But nonetheless, I don’t really care about this topic. I have better things to think about.

“Just generally.” In fact, I have not spoken to Stephen since the hallucinations ended. I wonder why. It’s not as if I had anything to be awkward about; all he did was mix himself up in my thoughts and in my sub-consciousness.

“How is your mother?” Even as Stephen and Katie fucked in my sleep, Katie was always the prevailing person for me.

“She has seen better days. My father died when I was little, and my step dad is a substitute. A very bad one at that.” For all the lonely days on my own, seeing Katie having a good time was enough to make myself not feel so lonely anymore.

“How does that make you feel?” The way she squeezed me, and hugged me, was magic.

“Makes me feel like she could do much better with herself.” You know, Stephen’s hugs are good too. I think that was what caused the hallucinations in the first place: the physical contact. I don’t know what he was on when we kissed me, but I imagine it’s worn off by now.

“How could she do much better?” Stephen probably needed to let out a small degree of sexual frustration. I don’t think he has feelings for me.

“By accepting the fact that I don’t want a father figure, because I didn’t have one, so why now?” I imagine Stephen doesn’t even care about me, not anymore at least. I cannot blame him to be honest. I may be somewhat egotistical, but even I can see why some people would not like me. I really don’t see why Stephen would let himself be my first kiss.

“Maybe she needed some emotional dependence, Robert. What would you do if you were her?” Stephen felt sorry for me, probably.

“I would leave Keith, but keep Alfie.” Everyone feels sorry for me, most definitely.

“But didn’t you once call Alfie an abomination?” I bet deep down, Katie does, which is why she will fuck me, out of pity.

“I’ve changed my mind.” I cannot change my mind about this not even if I tried.


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87 Reviews


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 12:49 am
Alchemist wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here for both "Adopt a novel" and a Review day review! :) (this again)(I'm still trying to be fun, huh?)

This chapter is cool! Just the structure you used was awesome, but it kinda made me expect something that didn't happen. And it doesn't happen in the second part either, so I feel this is incomplete. I expected him realising about how he acted with his family, just becouse he was actually really uninterested in this topic. His narration was all about himself, and had nothing to do with his family.

And one more thing. The last line is confusing.

"“I’ve changed my mind.” I cannot change my mind about this not even if I tried."

Why is it confusing you ask? Let me explain. I assume the second part of the narration is about how he can't change his mind on his brother being abomination even after what he just said to doc. But through the whole chapter, his narration completely ignored what he spoke about. So, did he actually change his mind on what, Katie fucking him out of pity? That wouldn't make sense. This is the first time I acutally suggest restructuring your work for the sake of clarity. Like you can make it like this:

"“I’ve changed my mind.” Alfie? I cannot change my mind about this not even if I tried."

Insignificant, but won't make reader's head hurt when reading. It's not that it's bad, your novel made my head hurt quite some times, but I don't mind it.

I like it how he's still uncertain about who he actually likes. This is also the first time I felt the need to reach the end asap. I just wanna know now!

-Alchemist




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Wed Apr 30, 2014 11:40 am
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Renard wrote a review...



Heyo.

This chapter is really really short.
it is more like an excerpt. And I know we have discussed this and you are going to add more words. :)

'After closer analysis of the past few days, I have realised that Dr. Greenway is not an arsehole...' at least Robert is now consistent with his change of opinion; and the reader knows what he is thinking and he also seems to.

Something we have previously talked about is the internal monologue Robert has going on alongside the events of the chapter.

Stephen felt sorry for me, probably.
I think it was a brilliant inclusion, because it's all about honesty. And that is a major theme of this novel.

Very excited to see what the next chapter consists of.

-kiss-

I love you. ♥




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 7:21 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



Hey Adam. ^^

He still asks out for my health,


Asks out or about?


Okay, so I see what you're trying to do here. You're trying to show Robert doesn't care for these meetings and is partially there, answering Dr. Greenway's questions but focusing his mind on Katie and Stephen. And while that's a good idea, I don't think it's working for the story. It's distracting, to have to balance two things at the same time. We're talking about Robert's family in the dialogue, then about Katie and Stephen in the narration. I can't keep up with both, and so I'm confused and finished this chapter with no new knowledge.

But other than that, nice chapter. ^^ Robert's constant sexual confusion is annoying, for me. I wish he'd figure out what he likes already. Clearly he wants to have sexual relations with Katie. But the real question is: why? To convince himself that he is straight, or because he honestly, truly does like girls? And then there's the thing with Stephen. What do you want, Robert?! Decide already. xD

Overall, this is getting good so far. I'm just glad that he's starting to open up in these sessions with Dr. Greenway. Maybe he'll be able to help Robert discover who he is. Let's hope so.

I can't wait to see part two, so post ASAP. ^^

Hope this helps.

~Iggy




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 5:01 am
rawrafied wrote a review...



I have realised that Dr. Greenway is not an arsehole...
I feel like you're starting to slip more into past tense. Present tense is a difficult tense to write it, though I feel it works best with this story, so I would encourage you to keep it up. Change 'I have realized' to 'realize'.

I just wish Dr. Greenway recognised this.
Again, tense issue. Change 'recognised' to 'would recognize'. Regardless, it's misspelled: it's a 'z', not an 's'.

'Step dad' should be written either as 'step-dad' or 'stepdad', even though spellchecker doesn't like the former because it's the colloquial version.

I like how he's replaying the Katie scene while managing to hold a conversation about a subject like his family. I wonder if that's defense mechanism to detach himself from a painful subject of to show his apathy/lack of priorities.

Stephen probably needed to let out a small degree of sexual frustration.
Another tense issue. Change 'needed' to 'needs'.

I cannot change my mind about this not even if I tried.
Same thing, should be 'try' instead of 'tried'.

Wow, this was shorter than the others. But, then again, you did clarify this was just part 1. ^_^ I like how he's expressed a lack of seriousness toward Stephan and yet is concern about him not having feelings about him (Robert).

Interesting story here. Will definitely be back for more. Hope this was helpful. Happy Review Day and fahrvergnugen!





We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer