Hello! I'm here for both "Adopt a novel" and a Review day review! (this again)(I'm still trying to be fun, huh?)
This chapter is cool! Just the structure you used was awesome, but it kinda made me expect something that didn't happen. And it doesn't happen in the second part either, so I feel this is incomplete. I expected him realising about how he acted with his family, just becouse he was actually really uninterested in this topic. His narration was all about himself, and had nothing to do with his family.
And one more thing. The last line is confusing.
"“I’ve changed my mind.” I cannot change my mind about this not even if I tried."
Why is it confusing you ask? Let me explain. I assume the second part of the narration is about how he can't change his mind on his brother being abomination even after what he just said to doc. But through the whole chapter, his narration completely ignored what he spoke about. So, did he actually change his mind on what, Katie fucking him out of pity? That wouldn't make sense. This is the first time I acutally suggest restructuring your work for the sake of clarity. Like you can make it like this:
"“I’ve changed my mind.” Alfie? I cannot change my mind about this not even if I tried."
Insignificant, but won't make reader's head hurt when reading. It's not that it's bad, your novel made my head hurt quite some times, but I don't mind it.
I like it how he's still uncertain about who he actually likes. This is also the first time I felt the need to reach the end asap. I just wanna know now!
-Alchemist
Points: 5984
Reviews: 87
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