z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

The Forsaken Race - The Hidden Truth: Chapter 2

by RavenAkuma


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

"Author's note: to clarify, not all chapters will have hard language or violence, but I'm marking them all that way because moments like this are scattered throughout the whole book. That being said, please enjoy Chapter 2!"

   

Chapter 2 - Lion's Bridge

                     

               

As the wall clock began to chime, Kita flinched and looked around.

It was already eight o'clock in the morning. The fireplace only contained a few embers. Stud was still asleep in the chair, and had been that way throughout the whole night. Kita, on the other hand, had been sitting motionless and wide awake, staring at a slowly extinguishing fire. She was hardly conscious enough to be aware that time passed.

Still groggy, Kita gave up on relaxing. She sulked over to the kitchen and tried to turn on her stove. She opened the small fire pit within the iron appliance, then picked up the nearby box of matches.

However, after lighting the match, she only saw a burst of light extending well beyond the stick. It almost looked like sickly blue fingers reaching for her. She quickly held it further away from her body, but as soon as she moved, it all disappeared. A small, normal flame just extinguished from the match.

Struggling not to tear up, Kita violently hit the sides of her head. "Stop it. You aren't seeing-"

"KITAAAAAAA!"

Kita felt all the air leave her lungs as someone rushed into the room at an alarming pace. Another sylph tackled her in a suffocatingly tight hug.

Kita warily spoke, "Y-You know you can just knock, Mao."

"Oh, you know it's me!" The intruder chimed.

Kita waited until Mao backed away. As if it lingered in her aura, just the sight of this girl could shift a gloomy mood to a good one. Her turquoise hair, vibrant green eyes, and porcelain skin practically glowed. She was wearing a frilly dress with a white and purple striped top, pink sleeves and ruffles along the waist, and a flowing purple skirt. Her white leather boots rose to her knees. Her hair had dramatic waves, the sidelocks braided, and her bangs were pinned up by a yellow barrette with a pink star.

Unlike Kita, who felt a little better, Mao began to look anxious.

Mao prodded her. "You don't look so good, sis. Is something wrong?"

"Not really, no," Kita replied.

Mao shot her a questioning look, crossing her arms. Kita finally sighed.

"How many hours?" Asked Mao.

Reading her situation, Kita lied, "Three."

Mao cringed. "That's horrible!"

"I know," Kita replied. "It could be worse, though. Right?"

Though Kita almost asked that as a genuine question, Mao clearly wasn't interested in indulging the grim subject.

The sunny girl flashed a smile. "I know what will cheer you up! Why don't we go for a walk around town? You could use some fresh air and sunlight, and we'll pick up a few things before the shops get too crowded."

As was now typical, Kita despised the mere thought of going outside. Frolicking along crowded roads with other sylphs was a nauseating thought, almost scary, and the hook of 'fresh air and sunlight' held little value to her.

"I don't think so," said Kita. "I'm tired and sore, and I don't need anything."

"That's a lie!" Mao argued. "The second part, anyway. You've been wearing the same dresses for years, and they weren't flattering in the first place. Maybe if we do something to the outside, it'll make you feel better inside. It's worth trying. Aw, and we could even buy a few things for Stud! I've always wanted to get him some of those little dog accessories."

Stud backed deeper under the chair.

Kita yawned. "No, I don't-"

Mao clapped giddily. "Yes, it's so exciting! Best of all, what could be better than a fun outing with friends? That's the important thing."

Before Kita could argue, Mao began dragging her toward the door.

"Let's go, let's go!"

Despite her lingering reservations, Kita couldn't help focusing on how excited her friend seemed to be, and recalling how she had been putting her off for a long time. She tried to brace for the worst as she readied her response.

"Alright, I'll go," said Kita. "Just let me get a few things."

"Yay!" Mao chimed. "I'll wait here."

Kita headed upstairs, swapping her black night dress for a gray knee-length dress, with a black dress belt, medium-blue undershirt, and darker blue leggings. She then slipped on a pair of dirty brown boots, and trudged her way back downstairs. By the time she returned to gather Stud, Mao was eagerly lingering behind her.

"Are you ready?" Asked Mao.

"Yes," Kita replied.

Mao grabbed her free wrist and dragged her out of the house.

Upon entering the bright sunlight, Kita couldn't help but wince, her eyes wracked with sensitivity. It took almost a full minute before the peaceful little village around her came into full focus. An old cobblestone trail spanned right and left from her door, respectively leading toward the main village or across an elaborate stone bridge. There were a few buggies in the area, as well as saddled armequus; the six-legged equines with talon-like feet, armor-like scales, and flame-like spines down the back of their necks. They were a very typical mount to find in Sybilius.

"Come on," Mao urged, still dragging Kita along.

Despite her cooperation, Kita was already nervous. She could feel her heart beating faster and harder as she walked further from her dark house. It was even making her dizzy, like looking down the side of a tall mountain

Kita tugged on her wrist. "Mao, can you let go of me? Also, please slow down."

"Oh, sorry!" Mao replied.

They eventually reached the town square of Lion's Bridge. A bed of vibrant orange and yellow flowers stood at the center of a stone court, surrounded by neat buildings. A sweet floral scent collided with the aroma of fresh bread from the local bakery. Though it was a small town, it seemed like there were many sylphs around, chatting amongst themselves.

Mao looked happy, but Kita was still regretting her choice. She barely refrained from squeezing Stud like a teddy bear.

"I never know where to go first," Mao remarked. "Maybe the bakery, to get some breakfast?"

Kita restrained a gag. "N-Not for me, I don't want to eat."

"And we wonder why you're so small," Mao muttered.

“Hey, I’ve been-”

Mao suddenly gasped, “Look!”

Before Kita could ‘look’ for herself, Mao grabbed her hand again and charged over to one of the shops. The delicate smell of fresh cotton emanated from the open door, and through the clear window, there were neat displays of clothes.

Mao pointed to one of the wooden mannequins, which lacked a head. Its feminine frame was clothed by a pale bluish-lavender dress, with frilly trim and white dress belt.

“That would look great on you!” Mao remarked. “It’s the perfect color.”

Rather than excitement, Kita felt revolted. The dress was not only intimidating, with its vibrant hue and frilly trim, but it reminded her of a time when she was little.

She felt forced to revisit the memory.

              

                

On that day, when Kita was no older than six or seven years, she had finally collected and hid enough change. With Mao's help, she was able to buy a lavender dress. It fit perfectly, and it made her happier than ever. It was quite the difference when compared to her tiny gray room, with only a beat-up trunk and an old mattress in it.

"I love it," Young Kita whispered to herself.

Suddenly, the door creaked and opened. Her father walked into the room, with his rifle still strapped to his back. He was going to say something, but stopped when he saw her. His glare turned harsh -worse than usual.

"Look!" Kita giggled. "I got a new dress! I did it myself, so you wouldn’t have to-"

He grunted angrily. "Put on an old one, then throw that away. Now."

Young Kita looked heartbroken. "B-But I worked so hard..."

"You don't know what work is, you little parasite," her father spat. "These stupid little trinkets aren't good for you to have, remember? Now do as I say, then go outside. You have work to do."

While he left, Kita held back her tears as she retrieved one of her old grayish dresses. She hated the lifeless environment she was forced to live in, but there was nothing to do about it. Everything, even herself, was just her father's property.

             

                   

"Kita, what's wrong?"

Kita gasped, anxious after she broke from her memory. The confused glances from the crowd around them, knowing so many already harbored bitter feelings, made her stomach churn. It almost drove her to panic.

"N-Nothing, Mao, I..." Kita hugged Stud closer. "Look, we should just leave, I don't need anything."

Mao sighed, "Kita, you can't expect to stay in that house forever. It's not practical or healthy, and it'll only make things worse. Can you stay with me for just a bit longer? I want to see a real smile from you before we head back."

Kita sighed, keeping her head down. She hesitantly squeaked, “Okay…”

“You tell me, then,” Mao remarked. “What sounds fun? The bookstore?"

"Just surprise me,” Kita mumbled.

"No!" Mao argued playfully. "Come on, help me out.”

Kita hesitantly walked around the courtyard, looking around with silent resentment. She couldn't help feeling as if everything here was against her. That quickly became her metric in finding a place to go; wherever was the quietest and least obnoxious.

From that, she spotted one peculiar little hovel. It was barely visible, just down one of the roads leading away from the town square. It seemed dim, dull, and empty.

"There,” Kita blurted. “I pick the pawnshop.”

“Eh…” Mao arched one brow, pointing the other way. "If you're looking for trinkets, wouldn't you prefer the china shop?"

Kita shook her head. "No, that's all shiny dollhouse stuff. I like things that have a history behind them. Besides, you know the snob who runs it has it out for me."

Mao sighed, "I guess. Okay, let's go."

Though less than excited, Mao led the way to the pawnshop. As they got closer, it became clearer that the wood was dry and chipped, and the display window was frosted from age and weather.

Upon opening the creaky door, the two girls were hit by a draft of stale, musty air. Inside, several old treasures and mechanisms covered the shelves, with some even hanging from the ceiling. There was an unremarkable male sylph behind the counter, wiping down a rusty tool. In the back corner, almost impossible to spot through the clutter, there was a very old sylph. His long ears were drooping, his simple clothes were stained, and his face was obscured by a rugged gray beard.

The shopkeeper looked surprised. "Oh, w-welcome! Wow -I mean, I'm sorry, I never thought you'd be in my store, Ms. Atsuya. It's very nice to see you!"

Mao looked away, with an expression that screamed 'not interested.' Kita knew this was like her; she was the most beautiful girl in this village by a longshot, but had no interest in anyone's pursuits.

Then, the young shopkeeper spotted Kita and gained a look of borderline disgust. "Oh. You."

Kita bitterly thought, How am I supposed to respond to that?

Before she could say anything, Mao grinned widely and threw one arm over Kita's shoulders. "Oh, have you met her before?"

The shopkeeper sneered, "No. I just heard-"

"Then you surely have no place to be making assumptions!" Mao remarked, shooting him an unsubtle glare. "This is Kita, and she's my best friend and practical little sister."

"Practical witch," the shopkeeper grumbled under his breath. "Honestly, how could you associate with the two most boring-"

"You better shut your mouth!" Mao snapped. "One more word about me or anyone I 'associate' with, and I shall SMITE thee, you judgemental junk-peddler!"

"O-Okay, Mao, that's enough," Kita stammered, already feeling embarrassed.

The shopkeeper quickly responded, "Sorry, don't leave! I'm actually excited! After all, from what I've gathered, you wish to buy something from my shop. That's brilliant, you must share my passion!"

Mao sneered, "'Passion'?"

The shopkeeper gestured about. "Just think about the significance of these relics, most from the outer lands. Sure, they're not new or shiny, but it's the history that matters. So much rich, tragic, and inspiring history!"

"Why do 'relics' never come in pretty colors?" Mao muttered, pouting.

Blinking in realization, Kita murmured, “I think it’s interesting.”

“Yeah…” The shopkeeper looked away, grumbling, “Just make it quick, please.”

Though she was still tempted to go back home, Kita set Stud down and started looking around. Ancient weapons, most of them dull and chipped, hung between shelves. Worn paintings, sculptures, and trinkets stood for the more artistic shoppers. There were several buckets, containing a variety of smaller trophies. Even Mao finally showed a little bit of interest in some old jewelry and a pane of stained glass art.

As Kita reached into one small basket, she pulled out a glass eye, with a slitted pupil and a strange fuchsia-colored iris. It was cracked and clouded from age.

Mao gagged. "Is that a real eyeball? Ew!"

"Careful," the shopkeeper taunted. "That's supposedly a demon's eye."

Kita gasped, quickly setting it back.

"Don't worry, Kita," Mao insisted. "Demons don't exist."

"Don't believe the tales, Ms. Atusya?" Asked the shopkeeper. "Well, whether they exist or not, you'd have to be one unlucky soul to find one. The only real nuisance now is orcs, but for the most part, they know better than to attack Sybilius."

Kita hesitantly replied, "You sure know a lot about other tribes."

"Why wouldn't I study them?" The shopkeeper said snootily. "There are people who have magic, longer lifespans, grand territories, or impossible anatomy. Meanwhile, we can only work with our hands."

"Well, look around," Mao remarked. "It works."

"It's not just about that," the shopkeeper insisted. "Although, admittedly, there is a dark side. The forces of evolution, divinity, and magic have created some incredible things, but they also make a lot of mistakes. Dangerous mistakes. That's one reason races are split into tribes, and no one trusts anybody. We're safe from that, but you wouldn't be so confident if you spent a day in the outer lands. There are a lot of times when even the best treasure isn't worth it, you know?"

Kita turned to ask about that, but suddenly felt like a burning hot knife had plunged into her chest.

As a painful shock coursed throughout her body, she froze and took a sharp breath. It forced her to exhale heavily, keeping her lungs paralyzed for a moment, before it went away in the form of a pulsing chill.

Confused, yet still feeling a very familiar dark cloud following her, Kita rigidly turned. Next to the shelf in front of her, there was a severely twitchy figure. It wasn't made of shadows or light, but more like this spot in the store had been distorted into a person-like frame.

Kita rubbed her eyes, trying not to panic.

When she looked again, the shape was gone. She could feel Mao's confused gaze watching her. As she tried to face her friend, though, she could feel an odd pressure against her lower back. It was almost as if something was trying to push her. She tried to turn again, but the pressure increased, until her frail legs could no longer keep her in place. By now, a horrid ringing had filled her ears, drowning out the ambient noise.

Kita felt helpless as she stepped closer to a table, a few feet from the old man in the corner. Much like Mao, he seemed confused. Kita felt embarrassed, but for now, fear was numbing it.

On the table, she saw part of a folded red cloth that seemed to be bubbling, as if something was caught under it. Again, she tried to turn away, but something stopped her. An indescribable dread held her senses hostage.

Kita hesitantly approached the cloth. It was torn and tattered, with many threads fraying as they rotted away. Dust and fading made much of the red look more of a rusty brown.

She grabbed the cloth with a shaky hand. Thankfully, there was less dust in this area.

Unfolding the cloth -a flag, she could now see- revealed a black emblem.

Kita didn't know why, but she felt as if it was screaming at her. Within this symbol of four flame-like designs surrounding a four-tipped star, she saw the tips begin to spark and smolder, before crimson fluid leaked through the black ink.

Just as the shapes burst into blue flames, Kita dropped the flag and quickly stepped back. As soon as she made the first step, though, everything disappeared into a black abyss, swallowing her as well. Her eyes went wide with terror as she struggled to restrain tears.

One more time, in a burst of blue flames, the emblem formed in front of her.

"Kita?"

Kita felt a hand on her shoulder, but she could tell it was Mao.

Sure enough, when she finally managed to turn around, she saw her friend with a worried expression. As the fear receded, Kita felt deep humiliation come crashing down on her. Especially after seeing the shopkeeper's judgmental stare, and the old man fumbling to pick up the cloth.

Kita stepped back, her words almost catching in her throat. "I-I'm sorry."

Mao gently tugged her arm, and Kita took the hint to leave. Stud was still following her with worry in his eyes. As they passed the shopkeeper, she could hear him muttering angrily. One word, though so familiar, made her stomach wrench.

“That little freak...”

With a horrible feeling boiling in her stomach, Kita jerked her hand away from Mao and turned to the two men.

"Excuse me, what is that?" She asked.

"This isn't part of the store," the shopkeeper argued. "It belongs to my father. You should be leaving before you actually damage something."

Kita felt the urge to ask again, but bit her tongue. She knew it was futile, and she was still feeling dizzy and sick. Her vision was ruined; everything outside her immediate radius seemed blurry, and the colors were bleeding together.

Mao gained an anxious tone, "Kita, you don't look so good."

"I-I'm fine," Kita insisted. "Can we please go home, now?"

Mao nodded, leading her outside. However, the first part was a lie. Even though the discomfort and wicked visions were her new normal, she knew something about this situation was very wrong.


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Fri Apr 26, 2024 7:41 pm
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Kaia wrote a review...



Yep, I'm back :D

Let's dive right in! So for context, I'm reviewing as I'm reading which helps me to not forget anything. Hope that's okay with you.

I'm starting with a few critiques:

Stud was still asleep in the chair, and had been that way throughout the whole night.

The comma is unnecessary in that sentence. Only use a comma in this type of situation when the two parts the comma separates can stand alone as individual sentences. (Had been that way throughout the whole night is a fragment alone without the rest of the sentence) hope that makes sense!

I feel like there is a lot of great description in the beginning, but I did notice a lot of passive voice. You used a lot of the word "was" before a verb which kind of caused a loss of impact. I suggest trying to put more action into those sentences. I understand that the beginning in this case should be a little slow, but the passive voice I feel like slowed down the impact.

Some great description here!! I could totally picture this like I was watching it in a movie!
almost looked like sickly blue fingers reaching for her. She quickly held it further away from her body, but as soon as she moved, it all disappeared. A small, normal flame just extinguished from the match.


This part was quite intriguing. What are they talking about? How many hours has what been going on? I love how you didn't straight off say what they were talking about, distancing the reader and causing them to ask questions. Wonderful job increasing reader curiousity!
How many hours?" Asked Mao.

Reading her situation, Kita lied, "Three."

Mao cringed. "That's horrible!"

"I know," Kita replied. "It could be worse, though. Right?"


This made quite an impression and we learn a lot about Kita. 1. She's very gloomy 2. She is depressed and isolated from society for reasons unknown (for which I look forward to finding out) 3. She has been in this state for a long time for this to be her usual way of responding to a hope for a mood lift.
Frolicking along crowded roads with other sylphs was a nauseating thought, almost scary, and the hook of 'fresh air and sunlight' held little value to her.

Quick grammatical interruption. The "a" doesn't need to be capitalized. I think that was just an oversight though. I tend to be an editor when I review, xP
Are you ready?" Asked Mao.


So this is a style issue I think. But I felt that saying so and so "felt revolted" was a bit of an odd phrasing. It's fine for a one time use, but you used it again with she felt forced. While I think the uniqueness of the phrase is clever, I felt like using the phrase once right after the other was slightly repetitive.
Rather than excitement, Kita felt revolted. The dress was not only intimidating, with its vibrant hue and frilly trim, but it reminded her of a time when she was little.

She felt forced to revisit the memory.


At this point I have gotten to the flashback and ooooofffff, is this heartless father responsible for her current state in life? But it seems like this was years ago and the father has not been mentioned at all in the present. So WHAT MAKES KITA LIKE THIS? (When readers have burning questions thats a good thing. Ignore me screaming then out as I text this review to you xD)

Ahh the following scene is so relatable to real life. I'm a pretty quiet person and not one to push for my way, but I FELT that when Kita tries to get Mao to leave her alone and take her back to her house. Kita wants to be ANYWHERE but in that spot and Mao is the totally clueless happy bunny who is convinced she can get a smile from Kita when the girl is literally at the verge of panic. *Sigh* some people really just DO NOT read facial expressions well. (Or maybe Kita is very good at hiding her expression?) I doubt it because the whole crowd was looking at her? But hmmm...why?? Do you think you could maybe answer that question for me by adding a little more description about what Kita was doing to attract the crowds attention? Was she breathing hard, getting really pale, shaking? Or something else?

I find that there's a lot of personality attached to the places that Mao and Kita want to visit. Mao is obviously a person who fits in with society. She likes to go shopping and do fun things. But Kita in her darkness and isolation want to visit a place of dimness that matches her own heart. This place is quite eery and your descriptions provided me with an excellent visual of what the place looks like.

But now what is happening to Kita? First she seems something rather odd. And now this red cloth!! Whatttt happened? Did Mao even see what Kita saw?? Obviously the man knew about whatever Kita saw. And this is normal for Kita? What is living inside her that is causing her to feel this way? Wonderful job increasing the suspense of this chapter!!

Now a few thoughts about maybe increasing intensity.
Thankfully, there was less dust in this area.

As soon as she made the first step, though, everything disappeared into a black abyss, swallowing her as well

Sure enough, when she finally managed to turn around, she saw her friend with a worried expression. As the fear receded, Kita felt deep humiliation come


So this is EXTREMELY petty, but I know that you are a lot like me in the way that you are focused on improvement so I wanted to drop thoughts on these sentences. The one that starts with thankfully is such a casual sentence. One that you might find in a peaceful, home alone, minor irritation kind of scene. I felt that it was out of place given the immense amount of intensity this scene brings. Maybe try reading with and without that sentence to see what you like?

The next suggestion I had was about the "though" in the next quote. I felt that that word was unnecessary and also made the sentence sound a bit casual. Again, very minor and picky comment.

Lastly, I felt "sure enough" was too casual for the situation.

Please take only the suggestions you find helpful. I'm under the impression that you continuously revamp your works and am open to suggestions so I thought I'd drop some. Let me know if there is a particular way you would like me to review for you to best help you in your writing process!!

Overall, great job!! Great writing in the works over here!
-Kaia




Kaia says...


Whoa....now I see why that took half an hour to compose xD



RavenAkuma says...


Welcome back!! Also, I get it, I do my reviews the same way ~

Yes, yes, and yes! I love all the suggestions you made! These first chapters have been such a pain and they're still not perfect, so I appreciate all the help I can get XD And a lot of those might have to do with my attempts to cut down chapter lengths, so it makes sense too that details would have been lost in the process...Glad you pointed those out ~

Thank you for taking the time to read and review! It's much appreciated! :D



Kaia says...


I'm so happy that you find my suggestions helpful!! I love reviewing for you because you are so open to improvement!



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Moonlily wrote a review...



Hello Hello, I am back with a review, I've been enjoying watching your style develop as these chapters go on. Now forgive me as this review might be a tad short and less detailed than my normal ones. It's not because I don't like it I did the imagery was good and I can tell it's building up to something big. I just don't have many changes.

The ones I do have are small and mostly in line with the ones I had for the other chapters. Before I start I do want to say the dynamics and histories of the cast were portrayed well. So to formally start us off I have a few lines I would tweak to improve showing the reader and not telling them as much.

" They were a very typical mount to find in Sybilius." could become something like " From morning to night the roads glow orange thanks to how many manes fill the place." It is a bit awkward but thanks to me being a tad tired however it should get the point across how many there are in town.

"Young Kita looked heartbroken." I feel you could push this a bit more and show this feeling through how her body moves. " Younger Kita's shoulders slumped and the air left her chest like a sail robbed of wind. "

Since in this same flashback shes whispering to herself before he enters I would turn this line " She hated the lifeless environment she was forced to live in, but there was nothing to do about it. Everything, even herself, was just her father's property." into a small whispered rant she does after she made sure her father was gone. you could have her even saying it in the present as well hence the worrying.

Talking about the crowd being worried I feel it makes sense if you add a few details that would draw attention to her even more. to explain they would be watching her already but more so if she starts breathing heavily out of nowhere or shaking.

My last line change might be wrong as I've seen books do it but ways however I will go with what I feel would work better. "Kita bitterly thought, How am I supposed to respond to that?" Since the rest of the work is in the third person I would recommend changing it to "Kita bitterly thought, How Is she supposed to respond to that?" Just so it doesn't trip up the reader.

Over all I enjoyed it and it does feel like things are starting to connect just from the prologue and the two chapters we have gotten. My gut is telling me it might take a tangled lost princess love child-like twist near the end. Keep writing and drink water!




RavenAkuma says...


Welcome back! I'm glad you enjoyed, and thanks for the recommendations. I like them, though for one of them -and not that I'm trying to argue with your point or anything- I thought I should clarify that the italicized print there represents Kita saying something in her head. Hence the third person shift.

Thanks for taking the time to read and review once more, always appreciated! :D



Moonlily says...


hey! and yes I am aware I do the same thing in my works ( As you can see in the newest chapter I posted yesterday ) I hope this does not sound rude all I was saying is I've seen it both ways however to keep the reading experience smooth third person in italics does the trick as well and is what I was told to do in workshops. again not trying to be rude.



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Fri Feb 23, 2024 2:31 pm
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keeperofgaming wrote a review...



OOOOH, That was a good one.

I like how the town has such a distaste for Kita by her negative identity. The distaste of even the suspicious shopkeeper is also interesting, because I now have a theory that he is either not a sylph or a demon sympathizer.

I love how Mao cares so much for her friend, even going so far as to risk her reputation to defend Kita. I look forward to whatever backstory is provided for them.

The idea that Kita can also detect evil relics is also an interesting idea that promotes the reasons for her negative and fearful attitude. I also rather wish that she was open with Mao, as she even noted that Mao just wants to help, but I understand her fear of opening up.

I also like the minor backstory of the officer coming to question her, just to show how deep the hatred runs. It provides a clear and realistic look to the story allowing us to see the imperfect society that the sylphs run for people like Kita.

All in all, good job.




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keeperofgaming says...



This was a review but the thing glitched. review is still here




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Wed Dec 13, 2023 9:54 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi again Raven! I'm continuing where I left off, so let's get into chapter two.

I'm excited that we've got the introduction of a second character here (beyond Kita's dog of course). I think it's going to make the progression and character exploration a little more natural feeling rather than Kita talking us through her whole life.

Her turquoise hair, vibrant green eyes, and porcelain skin practically glowed. Today, she was wearing a frilly dress with a white and purple striped top, pink sleeves, pink ruffles along the waist, and a flowing purple skirt. Her white leather boots rose to her knees. Her hair had dramatic waves, the pieces on either side of her face braided, and the bangs were pinned up by a yellow barrette with a pink star.

I love Mao's character already!

I felt like the beginning half of this chapter was a little slow in pacing. So far all I have to keep me invested is being interested in Kita's character and wondering why the world seems to hate her. It's interesting, but I think the pace needs to pick up a bit to hold my interest and make me want to keep on reading.

One small nitpick is just related to the way we have dialogue in this novel so far. I think there's a few instances where the amount of dialogue tags feels a bit much. I know we're only at the start of the novel, but there should already be places where you don't need to specify which character is speaking because we can tell from the context who's talking. The other addition to this is I found there were a lot of exclamation marks within the speech - I think that could probably be toned down somewhat.

I like the setup of Kita's visions towards the second half of this. I'm not sure if the shopkeeper is the problem or there's something wholly more sinister going on, but I think it's some good foreshadowing and gives a slightly darker tone to the store.

I didn't notice a pov change here, but reading your author's note I assume I was supposed to? Who were we switching to?

The last line sets up the next chapter well, so I guess I better get on with reading it!

See you for chapter 3.

Icy




RavenAkuma says...


Ah, the POV switch was for future reference. Since there's not going to one of those until Chapter 6, I could probably take that half of the note down. Usually, I use prominent spaces to make these swaps more obvious, so I don't need those notes, but for some reason, YWS's formatting won't let me keep those spaces...

Thanks for your review! :)



IcyFlame says...


ahh that makes sense!



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Sat Dec 09, 2023 10:10 pm
dragonight9 wrote a review...



Hi Raven, can't wait to read more of your story.
I forgot to mention this last time but I really like the cover art. Did you make it yourself or commission someone to do it? Also, I thought it was interesting how you defined the change of pov and such at the start. I know that it is convenient to do it that way but I've seen stories where the writer can let the reader know the pov has shifted through the story without a pre-determined cue like that. Totally up to you though. I just wanted to say you could try challenging yourself if you wanted to improve in that area.

Anyways, on to the review!

As I'm reading through:

I really liked how Kita didn't get to sleep but was able to relax and rest a bit. I can totally relate to that.

Mao seems like a great cheerful friend and sometimes that's what you need to get out of your own depressing thoughts and find joy in life... Sometimes. I like this type of character dynamic because you can go down the route of Mao doing more harm than good as she tries to almost force Kita to be happy. I can't wait to see how this relationship evolves over the course of your story.

That flashback was painful, you got her father's way of 'raising' her across quite clearly in such a short flashback, great job. One thing I was confused about though, It seems like Kita is a teenager currently and only recently moved there yet she and Mao were friends in the flashback? I hope you go a bit deeper into their history together and explain that later.

I must say that the shop keeper's reactions make me wonder what kind of rumors are going around about her other than the awkwardness. I was actually hoping they might hit it off with their shared interest in relics.
I was also anticipating her finding something connected to whatever is 'afflicting' her, and you didn't disappoint! Great job teasing with the hints so far, each one has left me wanting to know more and building my anticipation about her connection to this dark (perhaps demonic) power.

Overall thoughts:

This chapter did a great job introducing us to Mao and her relationship with Kita. Interesting side note if you didn't know, the word Maou (perhaps pronounced the same as Mao?) means 'demon lord' in Japanese. If you did that on purpose that's so cool!

I also like how you are slowly building Kita's character through her interactions with the world. And of course the build up of this mysterious dark power and it's potential connection to demons.

As always your description of the environment was great and gave me a clear picture of what's going on.

Last thoughts:

I was initially expecting this to be a longer read but I guess it was the amount of new lines that gave that impression. great length and detail.

Have a wonderful day and week ;)




RavenAkuma says...


Hello again, I'm glad you're still enjoying! The cover art was commissioned, and on Wattpad and Booksie, I do mainly use large spaces that make the transition between flashbacks and POV obvious, but for some reason, YWS won't let me keep those spaces so I thought I'd clarify. I don't really like this format either though, lol.

*I also did not know than fun fact about Mao's name, and I literally speak Japanese (not great, but I do) XD That's very interesting!

Thanks for your brilliant review! :)




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