z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Song of Home and What It Makes of Us - 1

by inprisonforsparkling


In this moment, he doesn't need to be Ilya. There's only the wind in his hair, the impact of his boots against the stone pavement, the shouts of the guards, the smell of the sweet buns in his satchel mixed with the sea salt in the air. He runs, and laughs as he does, his breath snatched out of his lungs.

"Thief!" someone yells behind him, some face in the endless sea of faces that is the city of Lumine. He only laughs louder— they can call him whatever they damn well like, they won't be able to catch him.

The city is something alive, he always thinks— constantly in motion, like the canals running through it. It's a beautiful, sunny day; everyone's hanging up their laundry and going on strolls with their sweethearts. He sees the surprise on people's faces as he passes them. He wonders what those ordinary citizens think of him, this small young man with patches on his clothes and scrapes on his knees, running past as quick as lightning and chased by the Royal Guard. He wonders if they're shocked. He hopes they are. He hopes he's a spectacle.

He risks a glance at the guards behind him, resplendent in their gold-and-white uniforms and— hm, that's rather closer than he'd like. Their frames are hulking, far taller and more muscular than his, so probably best to avoid a physical confrontation, but it does mean he's got an advantage when it comes to agility. Good — that's always been his strongest suit. He makes a sharp left turn into a narrow alley and delights in the sound of all the guards crashing into each other.

Ilya's heart races in his chest as he comes up on what looks like a dead end. Most people would just see a dead end, a wall and nothing else, but he sees the chinks, the footholds. He sees how if he only keeps going he'll get to the roof.

Then there's no more time to think, and Ilya's heartbeat thunders in his ears as he launches himself at the wall and grabs onto the highest windowsill he can reach. Distantly he hears the sound of furious shouts and footsteps as he pulls himself up with one hand. This is easy once you get the hang of it— there's nothing but you and the wall and the sky above, you only have to keep looking for the next foothold, you just have to keep going despite your shaking hands. It's excitement, that's all, is what you have to tell yourself over and over, not fear. Of course it's not fear.

Something grazes his cheek— could be a bullet, he wouldn't put it past the Royal Guard. Some hot liquid drips down his chin. Still he keeps climbing, gloved hands finding purchase on the roof tiles and then he's on the roof, the city laid out before him.

Despite everything that happens here, Lumine is a beautiful city, even more so in the summer. Ilya gazes out over the sparkling blue sea, the gleaming ivory walls of the Grand Library, the endless sea of endless faces — and then he tenses and begins, again, to run. His lungs are burning now, his legs screaming at him to stop, but he won't listen. He can't. He's got to keep moving.

And then he leaps across the gap between the buildings and for one golden moment, he's weightless. His cheeks hurt from smiling so much. Time seems to slow—

And then he's back to running. Gods, but he loves this, the thrill of it all, how much of the city he gets to see from up here; he loves the scent of the sea in the air and the feel of the sun on his skin.

His satchel hits against his hip over and over again, carrying those precious sweet buns. They're a luxury Lovey rarely ever gets to enjoy, but she deserves them. She deserves them and so much more.

Abruptly Ilya realizes he's still being pursued — there are guards down on the street, running parallel to him and shouting to each other. He curses under his breath. He can't lead them to Lise's place. He skids to a halt and looks down to the street below, the side without the guards.

He can make it, he knows he can. He knows how to fall, how to roll to absorb the momentum; and this building isn't too tall. He backs up, and runs, and suddenly is weightless again and laughing. The sky above him is endless and blue, and he twists in the air to face the street below.

Ilya rolls just as he hits the ground, the perfection of it electric in his veins. He can't stop a grin from creeping onto his face.

He starts to run again.

-----

Ilya swings in through the window, and slumps into their one ratty armchair. He blows his bangs out of his eyes. His legs hurt.

Their apartment is not the height of luxury by any means. It's a place to live, though; it has a kitchen and a bed, even a window. Not everyone has all that.

The door to the bedroom creaks open, and Lovey peeks out. Her eyes light up when she sees him. "Ilya!"

Ilya sits up and grins. "Hey there, dove."

She giggles and bounds over to him. "Did you bring me something?"

"You know I always do." He reaches into his satchel and pulls out the sweet buns, putting a finger to his lips. "You know Lise doesn't like it much when I borrow things, so let's keep this our secret, okay?"

Lovey nods frantically and makes grabby hands at the buns. Ilya snorts and hands her them both. She blinks, and cocks her head to the side. "Aren't you gonna have one?"

Ilya shakes his head with a smile. "They're for you, dove."

Lovey chews on her lip for a moment, then gets that look in her eyes that she gets when she won't take no for an answer. She rips one in half with her teeth, handing the other half to Ilya. "For you," she says, muffled through the bun in her mouth.

Ilya can't really do anything but accept. She's very stubborn. He takes the bun. "You know you don't have to share your things with me," he says, bouncing his leg.

She shrugs. "Yeah, but I wanna."

Ilya sighs, defeated, and bites into the bun. It's really good, dusted with sugar and fluffy like a cloud. He hasn't had something like this since — well, okay, since the last time he stole these for Lovey and she made him take some.

Lovey's only eight. The poor girl's clothes all hang too loose or are too tight, and all of them are patched, or sewn back together after the seam split. She's tan, with a hooked nose and beautiful brown eyes. Her hair is long and chestnut-brown, falling down around her face in ringlets, and she keeps most of it up in a ponytail with a strip of red cloth, and she's only eight and far too thin.

Ilya and Lise try their best to keep her happy and fed, but this is Chandelle — the capital, no less — and the nobles don't care when the poor people fall through the cracks. Their best just sometimes isn't good enough.

But she looks happy now, chewing on the buns with stars in her eyes. Ilya hopes she is.

There's the sound of a key clicking in a lock, and the front door swings open. Lise walks in, then stops in her tracks as she sees Ilya and Lovey.

Ilya and Lovey stop chewing and look at her wide-eyed.

Lise folds her arms, one eyebrow raised. "Really, Ilya?"

Ilya gives her his best puppy-dog eyes. Lovey copies him.

"You are both terrible influences," Lise says and swings her own satchel off her shoulders. She must have just finished her shift at the tavern nearby.

She looks terrible. The dark circles under her eyes are ever-present, her hair is usually this unkempt, but still— Ilya hates that he isn't able to help her, that she won't let him look after her like she looked after him.

He wishes she would let him help her.

Lise gestures for him to get up and she takes his place on the armchair, brushing some stray hair out of her face. She keeps her hair short, but it's been growing recently. Ilya might offer to cut it for her soon. "Lovey, you doin' okay?"

"Mm-hm!" Lovey swallows the piece of bun in her mouth and rushes off to the bedroom. She comes back with a piece of paper. "Look, Lili, I drew you!"

"Oh, Lovey, it's wonderful," Lise says softly. Ilya cranes his head to look— it's a cute little drawing of Lise, red hair far redder than it is in reality, freckles exaggerated. Of course Lovey isn't the world's most skilled artist, but it's very good for her age. It's also so sweet that Ilya wants to squeal.

Lovey bounces up and down on her heels, beaming. Then she pauses. "Oh, Lili, did you get things for dinner?"

Lise sighs. "Shoot. No. I have the money, but—"

"I'll go," Ilya volunteers, scrambling to his feet. "You're really tired, Lise, I'll take care of it."

Lise nods, folding up the drawing, and digs through her satchel for her coin pouch. "Yeah, sure. Here."

"I'll make dinner then," Lovey pipes up.

Ilya feels a twinge of guilt. "You don't have to, I can—"

"But I wanna!"

"...Alright, fine." Ilya takes the money from Lise and slips it into his own coin pouch. "Then I'd better get to market."

"You can take the door like a normal person," Lise calls after him as he slips out the window. "You know that, right?"

-----

Ilya knows these streets like the back of his hand. The people come and go, but the city stays the same, and he's learnt the alleys and buildings and shortcuts like a game to play. And he's damn good at it, despite having only lived here for a few years.

He knows everyone can tell he's not from around here. His angular eyes, the jet black of his hair, his pale skin (he gets sunburned embarrassingly easily)— he's clearly Sau, and while the people of Chandelle and especially Lumine don't seem to care much, he knows he stands out. Sau people don't often make the trek all the way from Chiesau Nova to Chandelle; the sea between them is infamously harsh, and it's a long way on land.

He hates that sea.

Ilya bites his lip and digs his nails into his palm and starts walking faster, weaving through the crowd of people with ease. He doesn't want to think about that, not now, not ever. He has to get to market.

Ilya clutches his satchel and thinks about the coin pouch inside. Lise is too kind for her own good, has a bad habit of taking in strays— like him.

He owes her, more than he thinks he can ever repay.

He's been trying. He works hard to provide for Lovey and Lise herself; he's skipped more than a few meals so that they can eat. But that's fine, he doesn't mind, he doesn't care about that—

Ilya stands in front of a vegetable stall and wonders briefly how he got there. Then, he just sighs and starts haggling with the stall owner. Which is boring, but at least it's a distraction from his thoughts. Then the fishmonger, and he kind of hates it, but at least it occupies his stupid brain for more than a few seconds. He prefers running. But he tries not to commit too many crimes in the same week; it gets the Royal Guard antsy.

Eventually he collects a not-very-full bag of food to bring back to Lovey and, walking back, grips the strap of his too-light satchel so tight his knuckles have gone white. He bites his lip just a little too hard and a metallic taste floods his mouth. He can only hope Lise doesn't notice it, like she didn't notice the scrape on his cheek from that bullet.

The worst part is that she insists on taking care of him still. Despite everything, despite the fact that he can more than take care of himself now, despite the fact that he already owes her so much, he—

The corner's right there. The one where she found him. Gods damn it. He turns away, wiping the blood from his mouth, and tries not to think about the cold and hunger pangs and the sea of faces that never even gave him a second glance.

Ilya trips over a stone sticking a little too far out of the pavement, and "Vekich," he hisses, checking his knee. That's a bad scrape. Lise is definitely gonna notice he's so banged up. And of course he had to curse in Sau. He shakes his head and stands up—

He starts to run, ignoring the pain in his knee and clutching his satchel close to his chest. Far away from the sea and Chiesau Nova and all those people at the market and back to Lise and Lovey and their tiny apartment. He tastes blood and ignores that, too, in favor of the beating of his heart and the wind in his hair. And he finally stops thinking and just keeps going and he isn't laughing, but he's not crying, either.

-----

The chowder Lovey ends up making is filling and, while it isn't the most delicious thing Ilya's ever eaten, it's still very good. By the time they've all finished eating it's getting dark outside; the summers in Chandelle stretch out the days, yes, but the sun always sets eventually. It's just past nine bells, and Ilya is tired. Seems Lise and Lovey are, too, because they all collapse into their one bed without a word.

Ilya stares out the window, watches the breeze flutter the curtains and the moon shine through onto their bed. Lovey's arms are tucked around his waist; Lise lies across from him, next to Lovey as well. She looks her age when she's asleep, only nineteen or twenty, only a few years older than Ilya himself.

The moon is full and bright tonight, reflected off the canals and the sea beyond.

Lise had fussed over his injuries, just like he'd thought she would. "What even happened?" she asked, gesturing to his cheek, expression pinched in concern, and Ilya couldn't take it, so he'd just grinned and then turned away from her piercing gaze.

Ilya wonders if this is going to be forever. This city, this life, day-to-day and moment-to-moment. Even now, exhausted and half-asleep, all he wants to do is jump out that window and run and keep running. But he won't, he can't. He owes Lise, for everything she's ever done for him— and so he stays.

He runs his fingers through Lovey's hair and stares at the ceiling. It's riddled with cracks. When he was younger, when Lise first brought him here, he remembers mapping them out, pretending he was an astronomer and these were his constellations. He remembers telling Lise all about them over their meagre breakfast, remembers her laugh like bells.

He remembers before that, too. The streets, cold and unforgiving to a boy like him who didn't speak the language. His Yvsken wasn't good back then, and he'd never had any cause to learn Chandellan, and he didn't have any money, and when he tried to tell anyone who he was they didn't believe him. He'd ended up stuck in Lumine near the end of summer. It was winter when Lise found him.

Ilya remembers the first time he'd gotten desperate enough to steal. He had hated himself for it, so small and hungry, crying himself to fitful sleep every night. The smell from the baker's stall had been so close, and so tempting, and he couldn't help himself. He had snatched a bun dusted with sugar from right under the baker's nose—

And he ran off like a shot, and felt the wind in his hair, and even when people started shouting he didn't care. He didn't care, because he was faster than all of them and almost entirely unremarkable and free, and he laughed and laughed and laughed and when he stopped running, he'd eaten the entire bun in tiny ravenous bites in some dark corner of the city.

Maybe there's something wrong with him. Something broken, cracked like the ceiling. Ilya doesn't know.

His eyelids flutter shut and he slips into unconsciousness.

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116 Reviews


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Wed Mar 27, 2024 9:31 pm
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LuminescentAnt wrote a review...



Hi! I'm so sorry for the delay of this delivery. But here is the And Stuff Boba you ordered! :)

Visual Details and Stuff:
I think you could have used a little more visual detail in this story, but you did write a decent amount of it when it was necessary. But I think you could have used more visual description overall, like the bun and the cracks in the ceiling.

Emotions, Thoughts, and Stuff:
It is very interesting to read this chapter from the perspective of Ilya. Ilya is kind of conflicted because he is a thief, but he enjoys being a thief, but he is just trying to take care of Lovey and Lise. Hearing his story is really putting the reader's perspective on people who do bad things with good reasons because they are desperate and poor and have no other choice, or else their life would be even more miserable.

Character Development and Stuff
There is a lot of character development in this chapter. Of course, we are told a lot about Ilya, which is great for a first chapter. We know he is a quite confident person when under pressure unless he's thinking about something deep. Lovey has an interesting character, she is quite brave and also brave even though she's so young. Lise takes things very seriously and she seems to be very exhausted when we first see her. I think you introduced all the characters well here.

Pace of the Plot and Stuff:
I think the pace of the plot in this chapter was good since it is the first chapter and so you introduced enough information that was neccessary and also didn't jump right into something exciting and was slow enough for the reader to process the beginning information first. The pace was just right for this chapter.

Something I really liked and Stuff
I really liked how you developed the characters and the story overall, and the beginning was also pretty attention-grabbing, as a chase after stealing something is always something interesting to read. The chase scene was very detailed and I really enjoyed reading it.

Overall Things and Stuff:
I think this was a good first chapter overall, and you introduced the characters and setting very well, making sure the reader has a base for reading the rest of the story. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope you will continue writing in the future. Again, I am so sorry for the delay, I hope you can forgive me.

Keep Writing!






Agh can't believe I missed this!!!! Thank you so much!!



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Wed Mar 20, 2024 3:03 am
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avianwings47 wrote a review...



Hello, fellow author! I'm here to drop off a (late) review for this awesome first chapter! Now, I'm really going to try to dive deep into this review, as I want to get better at writing in-depth reviews. So, don't fret if I have a lot of things to say! I also won't be using any specific template, rather, I organized my ideas by different elements of this chapter. Let’s take a look, shall we?

First Impressions:
First off, wow! I was a fan of the old version of this novel, but I can tell that you stepped it up with this one. The improvement from the previous version to this one is incredible! There's so much more to look at here, and much more depth that I hadn't seen in the previous version. I'm super excited to see where this goes!

Characters:
In this first chapter alone, you gave us a ton of characterization, which is awesome! It gets the readers to care about the characters; we want to know more about them, and what will happen next. And, boy oh boy, do I want to know what Ilya will get himself into next! (Also I love all the names of the characters) When you gave us a little peek into Ilya's past, it gives a whole new lens on his actions and decisions. Not only that, but it also leaves us with enough mystery to want to know more about it. Why did he have to leave Chiesau Nova? Why does he hate the sea so much? What happened?

Another thing with Ilya's character that I thought you did well was showing his discomfort in the crowd. Especially as he was beginning to think of his past, and suddenly everything is too much for him. Suddenly, he feels the need to run away. I felt that this scene, especially Ilya's emotions, was very well-written.

One thing I will note, however, is that I had trouble keeping track of the names of the side characters. It seems that some of the characters have different nicknames for each other, which caused me to re-read some of their interactions a few times. For example, Ilya calls Lovey "dove." At first, this threw me off, since we only see Lovey's name one time before this. Then, the same thing happens again when Lovey calls Lise "Lili." We get more of Lise established before the nickname appears, but Lili is pretty different from the name Lise, so I got confused. There are multiple ways you could bring clarity to this, but I thought it was worth mentioning since I was confused at first.

World-building:
In a fantasy novel, world-building can be the trickiest thing. I've read plenty of fantasy novels that just didn't make sense because the world was poorly explained. However, I felt you did a really nice job! Now, I'm pretty slow to catch on to names and such, so I don't trust myself to keep the different kingdoms straight quite yet. Even so, I found it pretty easy to keep track of the different places, and I'm catching on to the dynamics of the different kingdoms.

You seamlessly add in the different names of the kingdoms without breaking the flow of the story. It never felt like I was just being bombarded with information, but it also gave just the right amount of context.

By introducing our main character in a setting where he's getting chased by guards, you immediately set the stage for the rest of the setting to come into view. This idea is also reinforced as Ilya travels through the market, which always feels like a very fantasy-like setting.

Well done on this part!

Plot:
I'm not sure what to call this section, hence the name. One thing I felt you did really well was the scene where Ilya was looking back. (At the end of the chapter) It felt almost like a montage of different things he was looking back on, which is such a realistic representation of remembrance and nostalgia. Especially the way that it transitions from happy memories to sad ones, to eventually a final thought of self-doubt. (hehe more characterization)

Convensions/ Word choice:
First off, I'd just like to say that you have some beautiful writing in here! your word choice really brings this piece to life! However, I did notice that you used a lot of emdashes. (One of these things —) There's nothing wrong with these, especially if it creates a certain flow within your writing. But when you use a lot of these, it becomes apparent, almost like you're looking for places to put those emdashes. My suggestion is to use those sparingly so that when you do use them, it really packs a punch!

Closing Thoughts
Overall, this was an amazing first chapter, with tons to look at. And remember, all of my critiques are merely suggestions. You are the author, after all, so take and leave what you please! I'm really looking forward to where this story goes, and can't wait for the next chapter!
Keep writing! -Avian






Hi Avian, thank you so much for this review!! I'm really glad you liked it :D
I hadn't thought about the nicknames, you might be right? Though I imagine over time one might get used to them. Not sure if you picked up on this or if it matters, but my intention was that Lise is pronounced "Lees" and so Lili would be "Leelee".
As for the emdashes, they're kind of just a personal choice., especially for Ilya's narration in particular. He's meant to kind of jump from thought to thought, so the emdashes are meant for that.
Thank you again for such a kind review!



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Tue Mar 12, 2024 7:51 pm
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RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello, My Friend!

I am Raven, and after spotting this story opening in the Green Room, I’d like to review it using my Familiar method today! It’s pretty much just the YWS’more method with the touch of a fantasy-horror writer. Let’s dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…

What The Black Eyes See...

This was a great opening for a story! I see so many ways for it to progress already, and I don't know what to expect. Ilya makes for a great MC; he has a lot of bright and good traits on the surface, but peeking through the layers, it seems like he has plenty of troubles weighing him down, and not just his dire circumstances in this fantasy capital. Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

I have no corrections or recommendations to make! Great writing job!

Why The Grin Widened...

Ah, where to even begin picking a favorite moment?

As I mentioned, I very much enjoyed Ilya's character, all the way through. Around Lovey, he seemed to display an older brotherly affection that I found quite adorable. In seeing Lise struggle, he was empathetic and quick to help, showing that he is kind and caring...Even though, in public, this is what we see of him:

He wonders what those ordinary citizens think of him, this small young man with patches on his clothes and scrapes on his knees, running past as quick as lightning and chased by the Royal Guard. He wonders if they're shocked. He hopes they are. He hopes he's a spectacle.


He does have that position of a moral thief, and it's easy for the reader to empathize with the mention of patched clothes and scraped knees. Although the "spectacle" bit, as well as the puppy-dog eyes later on, reflects perhaps a bit of mischief that could make for fun (or dangerous) moments in the future.

I also laughed at his inability to use the door and Lise remarking on it, haha ~

You handled your descriptions very well; you gave us strong descriptive terms, like how the city was "alive" and some general color palettes, but it also fit the pacing of the story; it didn't go so much into detail that it took away from the intense chase that was going on. Likewise:

There's only the wind in his hair, the impact of his boots against the stone pavement, the shouts of the guards, the smell of the sweet buns in his satchel mixed with the sea salt in the air.


These sensory descriptors did wonders for building the moment! Great attention to detail!

I can clearly picture the characters, and despite the unfortunate pattern that reflects their impoverished state, their designs felt unique, and so did their personalities. And continuing along that train of thought, my interest was piqued as Ilya began to struggle with his memories. It was a great way to tie the worldbuilding in with the character's past, thoughts, and potential traumas. Like here:

Sau people don't often make the trek all the way from Chiesau Nova to Chandelle; the sea between them is infamously harsh, and it's a long way on land.

He hates that sea.


Combining it all together, I find myself drawn into this world, and already invested in this character's story.

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, awesome first chapter, so much to love, and I hope to read more in the future! Nicely done! :)

Image






Oh my gosh thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed, I'm really having a blast writing. Thank you for such a kind and detailed review, it made my day! Glad to hear you like the characters - we'll be seeing a lot of these three :D




A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
— Unknown