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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Mature Content

Tevin the First Hustler

by SimonBolivia


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

There was a cool fall breeze that blew through the cosmopolitan city of Nateq. Nateq was the capital of the Imperial Tanilkan Sovereignty, as of this year in 1896 the center of the most powerful colonial empire in the world. This city was a massive metropolis of over six million people, having crowded streets bustling with people both native and from all over the empire or from various neighboring countries.

Every nobleman or elite businessmen from anywhere in the world who wanted to add to their fortunes went to Nateq to make stakes in the stock market or claim shares in the industries. The streets of Nateq were crowded with laborers, workers, or finely dressed people, and only too many street urchins knew how to make their living tricking them. There was incredible wealth to be seen all over, in the elegant buildings that dotted among the large traffic of horse buggies or model cars, in the ornate residences of high ranking businessmen, and in the illustrious monuments built by the Emperor that occupied the city’s centre.

However, no one can miss or at least utterly fail to acknowledge the dirty and rancid apartments that were the living domiciles of poor immigrants, common laborers, or simply the sorts of unfortunate people who were destined to remain peniless. You could meet all kinds of people in Nateq’s large and varied population, including the junkies, prostitutes, and drug users. Indeed, there was a thriving criminal underground and black market beneath the splendour of the buildings of the rich or the monotone and massive factories with their chimneys that spewed noxious burnt coal for their power torwards the edge of town. Many people refused to make a living in the ‘righteous' way, turning instead to dealing in contraband luxury goods and electronic devices, smuggled cheap foodstuffs or even drugs. Not everyone knew this underground economy well, except of course for Tevin Alvarin who says he was raised by it. He was the first and last Hustler, the “dopeman” of Nateq’s impoverished C8 section.

Tevin Alvarin, the young 19 year old of fluctuating fortunes parked his worn motorbike by the edge of the road in the street. The sky was broken heavily with ugly grey clouds over an otherwise elegant city skyline. The fall breeze blew right through heaps of trash, old clothes, and other rubbish thrown on the side of the streets, inviting a foul and nauseating odor to permeate the few blocks that otherwise contained reasonably attractive offices. Indeed, Tevin was used to hideous smells from others as he was used to a lot of things you need not know.

He stood at 5 feet 6 inches, slightly taller than other young men his age and with dark blonde hair and steel grey eyes over an elongated face. He wore a thin coat and a shallow top hat to try to evade suspicion from the prying eyes of police, disguising himself as your average gentleman despite his age. Tevin scowled to himself at the biting cold and dark odors that emanated from the narrow corners of the streets, but in a way kept a small smile of reassurance. He had a thorough knowledge of the streets, and was confident in his experience. By his side he carried a pipe and a small pouch of his favorite smokes, high grade tobacco and cannabis, or kenbis. These were his favorites. Lord knew that Tevin always had good smokes on him.

Tevin was a hustler. A natural born hustler some would say, and his day jobs were endless. By him he carried a small package of an illegally smuggled desk computater, a device that ran on small electrical pulses and was coated in a golden brass covering. He didn’t give a damn what those things are for, they were only for accountants or inventory specialists. He had no time to take a peek through the packaging of this marvelous device, Tevin knew the exact location he was to deliver it to.

Taking a brisk and hurried walk down the main street, he turned right to a worn apartment door that needed a fresh coat of paint, with the number O12.3 on it. Tevin rapped impatiently at the door and Eida, the eighteen year old daughter of Mr. Versan opened it right in front of him. Eida stood there for a few moments, smiling that the package arrived early but cautious of this hazardous and untrustworthy young man. Tevin looked away as he handed her the package and opened an unfilled check for 76 Pais, the standard currency of this godforsaken country. Eida didn’t mind him much, but she was rarely friendly with him. She could almost smell the drugs and tobacco that reeked from him.

The young man stood at the door impatiently, waiting a few moments before he pushed his hand forward for money. “C’mon Eida, I need the cash! I don’t want to spend another moment here.” Eida frowned. “I understand that you’re in a hurry, impolite one but let me count the bills.” She pulled a large bundle of bills held together by a rubber string and started counting.

Eida looked fairly well off, with a clean face and a spray of saffron perfume that anyone could smell. In reality her family was struggling, and they hoped that the computater could help her father work harder at his job. She raised her eyes at him. Even though Eida didn’t know Tevin well, she could tell that he was a very apt drug dealer.

“Tell me Tevin.” She started. “Could you give me a little bit of a discount for your Kenbis? I wouldn’t mind a smoke.” Tevin forced himself to not pay attention to this outrageous request.

“No!” He stated. “Listen, I’m sorry. But I can’t give away my own supply for a dumb price. I don’t mean to be rude, but there’s no way I’m giving away free flowers like that.”

“How about 18 Pais for one bundle?” She asked. Despite never fraternizing with the criminal underground of Nateq, she knew her prices well. This made Tevin suspicious as always. “Look, I really can’t. You shouldn’t even know that I am some kind of a dopeman.” Something about leaving this girl empty handed made Tevin feel a little bit guilty however. But still, given the risk not everyone could always get good smokes.

Tevin sighed. “You know what, I’ll offer you something.” He reached into his pouch as Eida flipped through the bills and opened a small parchment bag that contained his cannabis. Tevin handed Eida a tiny nugget of the green gold. As she saw it, she immediately grabbed it out of his palm and thrust the Pais at him. Tevin took a minute to count through all of it.

“Where’s the 76th Pais?” He asked, counting only 75. Before he knew it Eida immediately pulled out a hidden bill of five Pais from her dress's lower pocket and handed it to him. She smiled at his generosity.

“I need to smoke sometimes.” She jested at Tevin. “Thanks, do I need to sign anything?” The young man leaned back with one eyebrow raised. “Do I look like some kind of righteous professional?” He asked. They both laughed. “Alright, take care.” Tevin ran right back into the blowing street as she shut the door behind him.

He reached down and looked at the frumpled bills that he had managed to collect. 80 Pais for a give away? Tevin thought. I can’t be this lucky. Tevin was happy with the output of his morning so far. He was used to cutting deals right and left, and over time the prices he could charge for his services went up. He wasn’t prosperous, but he still had everything he needed. Still then, he had to be extremely careful with everything he bought and sold. Tevin could never keep track of the prices carefully enough. There was no room for waste, especially because He could never forget the hard times.

Tevin strolled down the main street that was now picking up with its daily commutes as he slipped his newly earned bills into his coat’s pockets. He was not due for any more deals today, and this concerned him. He always had to make money. Always make money. He thought to himself. No matter the price. A small glint of light went off in Tevin’s eyes. He slowly started to remember it all. Despite being born in Nateq, the memories would forever haunt him.

He remembered it well as it happened fourteen years ago, and it would forever be painful. Memories of him when he was five years old. He remembered a clouded evening in front of one of the centrally administered hospitals, the storm climbing up by now into a little sprinkle of rain. His mother Benima clasped his hand tightly as he struggled to keep up, being a small child. Her face was riddled with small sores and her eyes were sunken, but she still kept walking as fast as she could while her husband helped her. Jeiter was Tevin’s father, and in the uncomfortable rain they were coughing constantly on the way to the hospital. Young Tevin was not affected, but rather he felt deeply sick with worry for his parents.

Benima was struggling to keep her child with her as her breath slowly started to fail. “Jeiter dear, do you know where the hospital is? The address?”

Tevin barely remembered that his father was a strong and resilient, but pessimistic man. There was no way the man could escape his misery in his everyday life no matter how hard he worked. Tevin remembered how his father coughed and coughed into a torn cloth. “Benima, I know it well.”

“Believe me, we will make it there.” “I just don’t know if we recover ourselves, and I am worried about what will happen to Tevin.” The young boy was accompanying his father, and held a look of grief and apprehension on his face. He looked like he was about to start sobbing.

Finally, the young couple and their small child made it to the local hospital. To their astonishment there was only a small line to the admissions room despite the recent cholera outbreak that ravaged the impoverished sections of Nateq. A balding doctor with a cloth mask stood outside taking in people, and Tevin’s parents made it to the entrance. Tevin’s mother Benima started coughing even more heavily, with small drops of blood staining the cloth.

“Doctor.” She said as she coughed. “We would like to be admitted into people’s care, we are afraid that we have cholera like everybody else.” She breathed a raspy sigh. “I’m afraid that he might have it too.” She said pointing at her husband.

The doctor checked his rain stained log book, and wrote something down. “We will be ready to have you enter the intensive care beds in 30 minutes.” He pulled the log book behind his raincoat. “What about the boy?” He asked, and Tevin remembered how the doctor pointed the pen he held at him. Tevin’s father was ready to assure the admissions doctor that he was alright.

“Don’t worry.” Jeiter said as it echoed through Tevin’s memory. “He has nothing, somehow he’s fine.” The doctor winced in sympathy, and motioned for Tevin’s parents to come in through the wide wooden door. He could still remember his mother kneeling down in front of him in her rain soaked simple cotton dress. “Tevin sweetheart, wait out here.” “No matter what, wait for us. Hopefully it won’t be much longer than a few days.” Jeiter placed a hand on Tevin’s shoulder. He breathed a heavy grunt in sickness.

“Don’t worry son, hopefully we will recover in a week.” “Around seventy percent of all cases survive.” Tevin couldn’t understand what that meant, but he still knew that it meant that most seem to make it through. His mother gave a heavy cough into her rain soaked dress under the growing rain, and then placed a sweet kiss on his head. Tevin will never forget his mother’s last kiss to him.

“I promise that we’ll be alright, and so will you.” “Just wait here like a good boy, and don’t move.” “We love you no matter what.” She said, while Jeiter nodded. “We care about you.” Jeiter said. “Do as your Mother says, and we will be here for you, our son. Be a strong little man.” The young boy could only wince in fright. Nonetheless he did as his parents said, sitting at the curb by the hospital as his parents entered it. The doctor followed them.

Tevin sat out with his cap in the pouring rain, knowing he would have to wait a long time before he could see his parents again. He could almost hear them comforting eachother in the waiting room. The only thing he could do now was wait. He grew sadder and more homesick by every moment.

Tevin fumbled through his pockets as he was recalling this memory against his will. But he could not avoid thinking about it, as it sometimes seemed to motivate him. He stood for a few more minutes in the street as he still remembered those few days when he was five. After his parents had been admitted into the hospital, Tevin had to sit alone, staring at the empty sidewalk with its electric lamps. That time, he knew what to feel, but he didn’t know what to think.

In his memory he remembered the abject misery and sense of loss as he sat in front of the hospital waiting to see his parents again. This was what it was like to wait so long for news that was likely to be terrible either way, and he still knew that feeling well. As the five year old boy sat in the empty street where not a single soul was in sight in the pouring rain, he remembered what his father had told him. His father had always told him to be strong, and to never give into sadness if things might turn out alright.

Five year old Tevin grew hungry, wishing for a large cup of warm chocolate drink. But this empty feeling was nothing compared to having to wait for the welfare of his parents. Any news seemed like good news. Tears ran down his cheek along with the rain as he fought to hold them back. Another day passed with a clearer sky, as Tevin woke up from lying on the street all night. The doctor from just a day ago took notice of him, but had to return to his work.

Over the next two days Tevin continued to wait patiently. Still no news. By the morning of the third day, after he had seen families come back and forth from the hospital doors, the doctor at the entrance came and sat down by him. “How are you young lad?” The doctor asked Tevin. The five year old boy couldn’t even make a sound in response.

“I will never forgive myself for saying this. Benima Alvarin, your mother has succumbed to her illness.” The doctor sighed. “That means that she has died. As for your father, he is still in the recovery department, but I’m not sure he’s getting better.” Tevin couldn’t take this turn of events anymore. He took a deep breath and let his tears out. “I’m sorry young lad.” “I really am, I’ll come back with news about your father after I look for help for you.”

The sky was clear this morning, but the morning light did not soften against Tevin’s predicament. He sobbed and sobbed until he couldn’t breathe. It seemed like he would never stop. A nurse gave him a small piece of bread with buttered beans and water. Tevin couldn’t refuse food and so he ate it, but also couldn’t forget about the horrible news he received. He wasn’t allowed near his mother’s body, as it had to be taken carefully without risk of exposure to her young son.

Another horrible day passed. Tevin heard nothing from the doctor. He was anxious to hear the news, but no matter how much he knocked on the hospital door he could get nothing. Eventually, a thick man putting up signs motioned for Tevin to come near as he nailed a checklist for the corpses of patients to be taken to the grave. With a sympathetic look on his face, the worker pointed Tevin to the title. It read, Deceased Patients due for the Cemetery. “What does that mean?” The five year old boy asked.

The man sighed heavily. “It means that they are all dead.” Tevin could barely read, but he knew his father’s name. He stood on a wooden crate and ran his finger down the list. He found his father’s name. Jeiter Alvarin. His Dad died too. Now Tevin felt renewed despair and horror. He shook his head in grief and started crying again as the man left. His parents were both gone. He had no one left.

The doctor gave instructions to a public services official about the now orphaned five year old boy. A pair of elite street patrols followed the official. Tevin simply couldn’t help himself no matter how ashamed he was of crying. He just sobbed and sobbed. The official took him along to a carriage while the police followed behind. Tevin almost nodded off to sleep on one side of the carriage as the public services representative began to speak to him.

“Listen young man, I am truly sorry for your loss. But your life doesn’t end here. Now, we will place you under the temporary custody of a residential orphanage, and they will help you while we find you a good placement.” “You have to be a man, stop with those tears.” Tevin ran out of tears to release, but still cried all the way to the orphanage. The police on horseback ran right behind.

Eventually they came up to a gloomy stone building named Hernber’s home for destitute children on top. The public services official went in first, while one of the staff took Tevin out with the patrolmen behind him.

“This little fiend just can’t stop crying.” One of the officers in their clean and starched uniforms said. Tevin held a hand to his eye as he bawled softly. “Shut up!” The other officer said as Tevin looked up to the official speaking to a large woman who seemed to be the head of the orphanage. “Now, you must be ready to take him for up to ten days under a brief raose for your salary…” The five year old barely heard. The official motioned for him to come in, and just like that Tevin was forced into an orphanage for ten days.

He was given nothing but an old hemp mattress and a blanket to sleep on in an empty room with nothing else but a table. The other kids were a little older than him and paid no attention to him. They were rowdy, loud, and violent. The male staff had to stand with a large wooden paddle to hit any child on the bottom in the dining area who started to throw things. Gruel and bread was all over the floor, and while some boys and all of the young girls ate, others were cursing and throwing things. Tevin simply sat with some bread and moldy cheese at the edge of the room, trying to get away from it all.

The other boys, large and strong, would fight eachother constantly over an extra piece of bread while Tevin watched. The young five year old ran out of the will to sob and cry to himself, and he wasn’t as concerned for his future as he was sad in the present moment. The men who staffed the orphanage had to constantly go back and forth between all of the children to try and discipline them into not screaming or fighting. Tevin simply placed himself apart.

For the next few days the orphaned five year old mostly lay on his bed on the floor in grief, by this time worrying about what his future would be like now that his parents have died. His socks were torn and his shoes began to be worn by this point. A tall eight year old boy came up to him while he was lying on his bed. Tevin barely paid any attention to him as he lay on his mattress. “So, where do you have bread?” The tall eight year old boy asked.

Tevin didn’t respond, ignoring him. The eight year old smiled a cruel smirk, and then kicked Tevin on his back. “I’m talking to you, little weakling. Do you have any extra bread?” The orphaned five year old continued to ignore him, but could only make a small grunt to himself. “I don’t have any food!” He said after a few minutes. “Could you please leave me alone?”

The tall eight year old was not discouraged from pestering him. “Listen, if you have any extra food now is the time to give it to me. I wouldn’t want you to have any more trouble with me.” Tevin lifted himself from his mattress and slipped on his jacket. “I don’t have anything for you, you big bozo!” He shouted at him. “Why don’t you just leave me alone?”

The large eight year old chuckled to himself. Then he grabbed Tevin by the collar and pushed him against the wall. “I’ll ask you only one more time. Give me some bread or cheese, which I know you have or you will lose a tooth!” He raised his fist at the orphan.

Tevin had to act quickly, he could not stay here for another day. He tried to release himself from the older boy’s grip, but when he saw that he could not be easily released, he kicked the older boy in the crotch as hard as he could muster. The eight year old bully shrieked in pain, and then crouched in pain by the side of the room, panting heavily. Tevin quickly grabbed his shoes, slipped them on and then ran through the rooms and out of the orphanage.

Mr. Fersdin, the headman of the staff noticed him fleeing from the door. “Hey!” He called. “You can’t just run away, come back here now!” Tevin didn’t even take a minute to look back. He just ran and ran into the streets of that large and forbidding city he knew little of. Nothing about the life that he was just dealt was worth hanging onto.

Tevin ran into the city of Nateq as evening closed in on the city. Again the sky was filled with clouds, and it slowly started to rain. The dismal weather did nothing to affect Tevin further in his misery that was already present. He didn’t know where he was going, but he rushed to get away from this place of horrible memories and despair.

Tevin passed by all of the streets and sidewalks, filled with carriages and electric street cars. He had no idea where he was running, but the more he ran from the orphanage and hospital the better he felt. Tevin had nothing to cling onto, noone to take care of him and noone to show him the way. As he fled across the city, he eventually began to pass by beggars and poor people who looked for handouts wherever they could.

The young orphan went deeper and deeper into the heart of Nateq’s most impoverished quarters, where people huddled around fires set in baskets on the streets and drunk men and women squabbled with eachother by the curbs.

A man called Suwong Hei, a poor and homeless immigrant from far in the west took notice of the young orphan passing by him. Suwong’s street name was Gangki, Gangki the junkman who loved to smoke opium in his special wooden pipe. Tevin began to slow down as he entered “little hell”, the street name for one of the most dangerous and destitute areas of the city. Gangki wanted to help what he thought was a young waif, so he went on his loaded bicycle and biked his way torwards Tevin.

Tevin began to slow down as he entered little hell, and looked around. The streets were quiet except for some shouting men and barking dogs in the distance. It was a poverty ridden and filthy street, but somehow young Tevin felt more secure. He didn’t have to worry about his past as much now. He stopped by one street corner filled with trash cans and locked windows to rest.

The young orphan had barely waited fifteen minutes before a strange man on a loaded bicycle began to follow him from a distance. Tevin was scared. He had no idea who it was, and whether this man would want to capture him and turn him over to authorities. “Hey over there!” Gangki called. “I can help! No need to run!” Tevin was terrified, he didn’t know who he was. So he stood back onto his feet and began running as fast as he could.

The orphan ran between the street corners and through the avenues with the strange man trailing behind him. The rain slowed down to a gentle simmer for the sky, and Tevin continued to run between the streets. Gangki the junkman still followed him closely calling out to him. He ran between the lightposts and the old buildings of little hell, trying to outrun the strange man on the bike behind him. But still, Tevin had so little energy left in him. He panted heavily and raced ahead, growing tired and drained with every step. Nevertheless, Gangki caught up to him.

Tevin looked around for something to protect himself with. He saw no metal pole, piece of wood. Eventually he found a small piece of glass broken off of a wine bottle that looked like a sharpened knife. As the strange and dirty man approached him, he grasped it carefully and slipped into a closed street corner in the dark. Gangki followed. “Oh no little boy! I not here to harm you. Wait for me!” He spoke in a thick nasal accent.

Tevin stood by the street corner in the dark as he heard the strange man unmount his bicycle. “Little boy!” Gangki called. Tevin crouched as tight as he could around the street corner, holding his piece of glass as the strange man approached him from the corner. “Ahh, you lost?” The tall and strange creature said. To Tevin he looked like a monster. Gangki was unkempt, dirty, and extremely smelly. He slowly approached Tevin, with a black coat and a hideous smile of rotten teeth that looked like something from a beast from hell.

The orphan panted and breathed heavily at the sight of the strange man coming at him. “No worry!” The strange man said. He slowly drew forth his hand to show that he had nothing on him. “Maybe I help!” “Don’t be so scared of me.” Tevin looked at him confused, but then relaxed. This weird and smelly stranger didn’t seem to be dangerous.

“You cannot go by yourself at night!” Gangki said. “It too dangerous out here, you all alone!” He was a strange looking man with straight black hair and pale skin who spoke in a thick and mouthy accent. Tevin could not trust him, but at the same time saw that the stranger meant no harm. Gangki smiled. “You come with me, look like you have many hardships already.” “I help you. But remember, you don’t fuck with Gangki, Gangki don’t fuck with you.” He pronounded in his strange yet mellow accent. Tevin started crying again much to Gangki’s embarrassment. The stranger signed in dissappointment.

“Don’t worry, things be alright. Come with me.” Even though Tevin already grew up in poverty, this was by far the worst day of his life, and he didn’t know if things could get any harder. He was hungry, tired, and abandoned. But he needed help. Help from somebody, anybody. And so Tevin let the kind but unkempt stranger mount him on the back of his bike, and then Gangki let him ride for fifteen minutes until they reached his place on the street.

The stranger untied his supplies from the back of his bike, and set them up beside what looked to be two blankets for sleeping. Tevin sat down on them, trying desperately to find warmth and comfort in the rain. He was not quite at ease around this stranger, but still felt a small sense of reassurance as he looked at the bleak and black atmosphere around him.

“Now, you sleep there!” The stranger pointed to the left side of the blanket. Gangki took off his second layer of shoes, and a rank odor left his feet. Tevin didn’t mind it as Gangki lay down on his bedsheets. He let Tevin lean against him as he took out his pipe, a sticky brown substance and a small pebble of charcoal. In a few minutes, with a pair of large matches the strange man heated up the pebble until it was red hot, filled his pipe and then laid the ember right on the resin.

The orphan lifted his nose and breathed, trying to inhale the pungent but soothing aroma. Gangki took a deep inhale of his opium, and then exhaled a massive white cloud as the ember heated up the poppy resin. He looked over at Tevin, who had started to cry again. “Ay yi yi yi! Not too loud!” Gangki said. “You must be strong. Everything will be alright, I tell you, you figure out a way to survive.” Gangki looked at him as he placed one side of his coat around Tevin.

“Here, try this one.” Tevin was hesitant, but he wanted something, anything like food in his mouth. He took the stranger’s pipe, and took a small sip of the smoke through the nozzle. He coughed as he let out the pungent smoke, which was not as bad as he imagined. In an instant, Tevin felt better. Something about that smoke deeply eased his pain and took his suffering away. He felt relaxed and soothed, like a waterfall had filled the hole in his heart for the time being.

“Thank you.” Tevin muttered with his sincerity to the stranger, who was puffing away on his pipe. “Oh, no worry.” “But tommorow you leave, tonight you stay.” For the first time in a few days, the new orphan felt reassurance and determination. He would find a way to survive. Then slowly but surely, Tevin nodded off to sleep beside the homeless man.

Fourteen years later, these were the memories that ran through Tevin’s mind. They were so painful they made him ache. Tevin was strong and street smart, he eventually figured out a way to survive. Over the next few months that followed those terrible days the orphan took on odd jobs around the city, selling pockets of Cannabis, Opium, Alcohol, or Tobacco or delivering things for people. He made money and found a way to survive, buying breads, pastries, canned foods, even fresh vegetables for himself to eat. He also earned the trust of people around him.

He grew stronger, and ran around the city with the same people by his side as he cut small deals and did other people’s dirty work. Slowly but surely, he became stronger. He had found a way to live. Now Tevin remembered it all. He met and befriended a lot of people on the streets of Nateq, including Gangki, Mr. Elsverd, Varinet, even Orban the elder.

Now Tevin knew how to take care of himself. Even though he only had a run down apartment at the age of nineteen, a motorbike, and his own rented warehouse, he now had money. He knew how to look after himself and even sometimes take care of other people.

Tevin was not just a street urchin, he was the dopeman. He knew how to get around anywhere he wanted. After a few moments in that painful flashback, Tevin picked up the pace that morning and set up seven more deals. That day he met again with Leirda, Siniken and Bardin, laborers who had an intense taste for his smokes and booze. The young man’s motorbike carried bottles of smuggled alcohol and packs of cheap imported tobacco between a sizable area of the city that day.

He was even grateful for his bike. By 5 o’clock even though Tevin started with only eighty Pais in the morning, he had now made a hundred and fifty more the same day. It was enough to pay for his electric bill where he lived, even enough to buy him a hot meal of imported coconut crab in a can with rice, his favorite meal. Tevin was grateful for the food, but also just as much for his full pockets and plentiful connections.

He might not have the best future, he might not even have a past. But he had a way to live and even hope. He was Tevin Alvarin, the first and last hustler and he knew how to survive no matter the cost.


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Thu Mar 28, 2024 8:31 am
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22Midnight wrote a review...



OMG Hi names 22Midnight
this is my first review so I don't know what I'm doing really but I'm so excited to read what you've wrote, best get started because this was a long chapter!

mind me saying this chapter was real long and I lost interest real quick long chapters are best separated into two parts so that the reader can take a break and not be over loaded with many different parts to the story.

the flash back was nice and I feel like it gave us a lot of background to the main character which i do feel sorry for because of what they had to go through, but again this was real long and dawn out and i feel like it could have been done with a bit more drama.

overall the chapter was a bit boring because there was lot of narrating and not much action, but I think the plots got real depth and if you did some re writing which often happens I bet it be great.

i do like how you implied about who spoiled some people are though and how easy others have it compared to some, it really got me thinking about how much we take for granted and how selfish we are to others.

so i do like what you where getting across there with how many different people are struggling in there own ways and the rich people don't care about them at all because they've got what they need.

i like how Tevin was also so thankful for the amount of money that he'd made that day, it shows how he never takes things for granted.

well don't think dat there is anymore I can say about this see ya

:D



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SimonBolivia says...


Thank you for your constructive and useful feedback, I appreciate it. I appreciate you taking the time to point out the many bad parts of the story, and these will help me improve. I agree that the story is longwinded and boring in many places, there are a lot of things I can improve. I'll be sure to work on my writing some more, and thank you for your help.




Life is a banana peel and I am the fool who dared to tread on it.
— looseleaf