Hello! This is AkuRashomon, and I am here to give you a review/comment of your work. This konda reminds me of the chat room in YWS, lol. I have seen a couple of usernames like that, and it's good. It's pretty cool, actually. Things are said a lot by their usernames and how they act towards society. You have said that it is fiction, but it could feel real, too.
The inspiration for this came from a prompt from a friend of mine. In truth, he deserves a lot of the credit as he’s given me numerous bursts of inspiration. This is purely fiction; all the usernames are made up from my mind. If you have seen someone with a certain username/nickname or use it yourself, that’s merely by coincidence. These are not my experiences.
Happy reading!
Here's a thing. I have never been in a chat room, but I know that there is a lot of pressure put on people who have experienced being in a chat room on social media. People are similar yet different at the same time. Some of them want to cuase trouble, some like to be nice, some people don't understand what is going on and so on. But, what is similar to them is that all of them are in a chat room, trying to fit in. Onyx_Apple, your protagonist, on the other hand is new to these kinds of things and it saddens me that this person is trying to fit in but does not know what to do or understand the situation in the chat room once he/she/they enter the chat room.
I do also love the way you use third person form in this piece. It is basically like I am Onyx_Apple. Because as your reader, I can feel the emotions, whether it is uneasiness or happiness; I can feel the protagonist in this story.
First starting in a chat room is awkward. You’re the new kid in town, and you have no friends. Maybe one or two if they recommended the room, but that’s unlikely. You don’t know what to say or what you’re allowed to say. You don’t know when to say something and are commonly insecure about your nickname. Let me share with you my experience for the first time in this chat room.
Ooh, I love the formatting. It is actually like a chat room! You see in this part of the story, Onyx_Apple seems like an introvert trying to fit in because they are/ he/she is the new kid in town. Onyx_Apple enters in a situation that is clearly hard to understand. So it perfectly fints well with the sotry since I am Onyx_Apple and I cannot understand nor back read the past conversations that has happened before I entered the chat room. Wait, now I remember I entered a Discord server and J couldn't relate with anyone which made me feel lonely so I left the server. Yeah, I did experience going to a public chat with different kind of people and the experience feels like this. You misspelled your character's name at the firt part of this part.
-> Onxy_Apple has joined
Blackberrypie
I’m just saying
If there’s only 8 billion people on earth, and 99 percent of them think your unattractive 80 million people find you attractive
AngryMelody23
Good math, but I don’t agree
YourModernPacifist
You need a little bit of confidence AngryMelody23
AngryMelody23
I disagree, but you can have your opinions
Onyx_Apple
Hi
YourModernPacifist
Hi Onyx_Apple I haven’t seen you before. New here?
Onyx_Apple
Yes
This part kinds of confuse me, like at first you were pertaining to me as Onyx_Apple but then now, you are telling the story in a first person form. You can fix that because it may seem confusing to your readers.
After that, the room went silent for a few minutes. Well, more than a few. The awkward feeling of saying the last thing rested heavily on my shoulders. “Did I not say enough? Did I say too much? Did I do something wrong? Is it against the chat rules to say ‘yes’?” All of these questions— and more— ran through my mind at a million miles per hour. I thought about just closing the tab, never to be seen again. Future me is glad that I didn’t
Continuing on from there.
I like how in this part you can see the different kinds of people. The one that is gay, the one that dislikes rainbows, the one that likes rainbows and the one who is assuming and being mean in a way.
Comet
GUYS I SAW A RAINBOW
A DOUBLE RAINBOW!!!!
Guy.
Yay
AngryMelody23
I like rainbows
Onyx_Apple
That’s cool
YourModernPacifist
Rainbows are pretty
Bass
You’re all gay
AngryMelody23
I’m not gay
Comet
I am
Like this part, it clearly explains the bad and the good in humanity as you name Bass as The Jerk and Comet as The One Who Stands Up To The Jerk. People fight the bad for good and people to bad to the good.
-> Onxy_Apple has joined
Onyx_Apple
Hi
AngryMelody23
Don’t be a jerk Bass
Hi Onyx_Apple
Bass
Youre psycho
Change your life maybe that’ll make you likeable
Or stop being gay
That’ll help too
Comet
You should know that your comments don’t affect me
Bass
I know they do
You’re just lying
Onyx_Apple
You don't actually offend us. You know that, right?
Comet
You cannot defeat the queer
<- Bass has left
Comet
Oof I guess the gay was too powerful lol
Onyx_Apple
Yeah lol I guess it was
Comet
Good timing with your comment too lol
It was quite a controversial talk actually but I like how you choose to what you are and what you firmly believe in, making it the good side to your story. I did like your story and I would like to see more of your work like this. 'Tis quite unique and creative to showcase a chat room like this. I want to see more Onyx_Apple too and how this character can improve and get out of their comfort zone in this storyline. There are grammatical and spelling errors though which very writer goes through. But we can improve. Good job!
That conversation easily became one of my favorites; I’ve always loved a good queer talk, even if it’s from combating a homophobe.
——-
I really enjoyed writing this piece, so I hope to write more like it in the future! A special thanks goes to the friend who inspired it.
P.S. sorry for my typos, I typed this on my phone.
- AkuRashomon
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