Young Writers Society

Hello! Thank you so much for requesting a review on my forum! With this review, I'll try my best to really focus on the small details of your writing. So far, you've got some wonderful prose and an interesting hook. I'm excited to see where this story takes us!

Since you mentioned that this was a rough draft, I won't talk too much about grammar. However, there were a few errors that made the story a little difficult to read. Something as simple as a grammar checker (something like Grammarly) can help with that. (I genuinely would not survive without Grammarly.)

Fates will is more than thrown-out dice or games played in the dark. For she has her own will moving, changing with every breath like all after her.

This first line immediately caught my attention. This sentence really sets the tone for what the rest of the chapter feels like. The imagery this line created was the perfect set-up for the chapter. I also love the personification of Fate. I just love personification in general, so this story really intrigues me!

Early afternoon light bleached golden walls further elongating tall shadows, as the busy work of daily life imbues the air. Despite the calm surface of the empty, ever-growing bedroom, the air hangs heavy. As if a secondary presence tried to take up the ether forcing it downwards onto a lone figure. The very figure that lingers by the door as straight and as stern as a queen looking at her subjects. A single cranberry eyebrow raised like an uneasy wave of suspicion.

Looking at this paragraph, there are a few things I noticed. First off, you've got some amazing prose going on here! The mood you created with the first paragraph flows effortlessly into this one.

The next thing I noticed was that you used inconsistent verb tense in this paragraph. There are uses of past and present tense in this paragraph. An example of this is the words bleached (past) versus hangs (present). This is just one example, but make sure to keep the same verb tense throughout the paragraph.

One last thing for this paragraph. Although this is beautifully written, I feel like the use of the last simile doesn't quite convey its meaning. It is hard for me to picture exactly what an "uneasy wave of suspicion" exactly is. Choosing different sentence structure or word choice might help portray this description better.

“If you're that worried, Your Highness, I can assure you I am just as real as the air in your lungs or the silk sheets you rest on. Just because you can't see me doesn't mean I’m not watching. “

Something that I really admire about your writing is that the dialogue matches the writing style. This is especially tricky for me because I like writing with intricate prose, but then my dialogue feels lacking. The Figure and Fate both seem to talk in a very specific and proper manner, which perfectly correlates with your writing style.

Fate also seems to be quite the mysterious character, not to mention her ominous powers of "not appearing in the flesh" (I'm not sure what else to call it) It makes me wonder what other forms Fate can appear in. I'm excited to find out!

Music blared from the streets as vendors called shrill advertisements for silks, pearls and other luxuries. Underneath this all, if one strained they could hear the soft footfall of dancers twirling.

I love this description, but it also confused me. The previous descriptions say that the two characters are in The Figure's bedroom, but then I read this. It's not very clear to me where or how the characters are observing these sights and sounds. It could be coming from a window, or possibly a balcony in the character's room, but it was never clarified. It does say "the ruckus from below," but the readers don't know where or what "below" is. It could be a market, a party, a festival, or simply the streets as they are. Even a small clarification surrounding this would be helpful. : )

“ I’ve had thousands of mundane lives and had the proof for all of them. Even you, my dear can't expect me to be a mind reader, you’ll have to name one. “

This really caught my attention! It seems that The Figure is a much more complex character than I originally thought. This adds much more depth to the story that I want to know more about! You did well with adding hints of mystery throughout the piece.

During the latter part of The Figure and Fate's conversation, I got a little bit lost in who was saying what. Now, not every piece of dialogue needs a direct dialogue tag, which you also did a really good job with. It's typically better to avoid things like "he said" "she said" over and over again.

However, when one character is doing an action, you should pair it either with their own dialogue or keep it as its own paragraph. I think there were a few instances when Fate's dialogue was in the same paragraph as The Figure's actions, or vice versa. This can be confusing, especially when two characters have the same pronouns. (In this case, "she")

Overall, I think you have a lot of amazing things happening in this story so far. I'm super excited to see where it goes. It seems there is a lot of world-building that I have yet to discover!

Keep writing! -Avian

Hi Moonlily! Let's get started.

First off, OHMYGOSHHOWISTHISSOGOODTHISISAMAZINGHOWHOWHOW!!!! *gasps for air* Ahem. I'm so honored that you dubbed me worthy of reviewing this masterpiece!

...this is a very rough draft so the prose/grammar might not be to the best of my ability.

Rough draft... rough draft! ROUGH DRAFT?! Your "rough draft" makes all of my final drafts seem like absolute rubbish!

ANYway. You have such an expansive vocabulary (although I say that in a lot of my reviews... Maybe it's just me with the limited vocab...) and I love how your descriptions are very visual, so I can picture each scene.

A rogue freckle formed a kind of dimple on one cheek, cutting through the overall cold exterior. She moved forward from the door frame at her sides, still not relaxed as black silk dragged behind her. Its ripples seemed as measured as the owner was.

Wow. It's amazing how you keep it consistently intriguing throughout the whole story. Even though it wasn't the longest piece of writing, it still took me quite a while to read. I read each sentence at least 3 times, pondering how in the world someone could be so genius:0.

Okay, there were a couple minor errors.

Fates will is more than thrown-out dice or games played in the dark.

Another beautifully constructed line, but I think you are meaning to say "the will of Fate". If so, you need to put a apostrophe in "Fate's" to describe that the "will" is belonging to "Fate".

Here's another one:

Despite the calm surface of the empty, ever-growing bedroom, the air hangs heavy. As if a secondary presence tried to take up the ether forcing it downwards onto a lone figure.

Ah! A very descriptive tidbit. Wonderfully done there. Just one thing, I think that is meant to be in one sentence. If you read:

As if a secondary presence tried to take up the ether forcing it downwards onto a lone figure.

by itself, it doesn't sound right. Hence, it would work better if you combined the two sentences, like so:

Despite the calm surface of the empty, ever-growing bedroom, the air hangs heavy, as if a secondary presence tried to take up the ether forcing it downwards onto a lone figure.

You need a pause here:

A voice ripped through the room although one of soft snark it seemed to devour it whole.

If you read it through without pausing, it sounds kind of off, doesn't it? Maybe rewrite it like this:

A voice ripped through the room, although one of soft snark it seemed to devour it whole.

That sounds better, right?

You need a pause here too:

A sense of relief yet weary dread spread like split ink through all of The Figure's nerves

Hm... Again, if you read it through, it sounds a tad odd. You need a ,, or () or even a --. Don't know what I mean? It's like this:

A sense of relief, yet weary dread, spread like split ink through all of The Figure's nerves

or

A sense of relief (yet weary dread) spread like split ink through all of The Figure's nerves

or even

A sense of relief -yet weary dread- spread like split ink through all of The Figure's nerves

You can choose which one to use!

Reminder: THIS IS YOUR WRITING!
If you aren't sure about my corrections, feel free to keep it how it is! It's beautiful either way. NEVER let ANYONE force you to change your work. You do you.

In general, I thoroughly enjoyed reading and reviewing this piece. Keep writing!
Inferno.

Hi names 22Midnight
hope your doing well, let's get into it! I don't always say this but i must warn you I can be very dramatic

First Impression: This going to probably be going into great depth about heaven and hell and how different both meanings are so looking forward to finding out what you've written, also love the book cover that you've made for this.

Fates will is more than thrown-out dice or games played in the dark. For she has her own will moving, changing with every breath like all after her. Unknowable rules of the world and chance are instead her steady, hand weaving thousands of realities, every choice to be made into a tapestry as if merely thread. However, this hand is brought to an impasse, a figurative knot in the grand scheme dragging her back to Hell.

The anger wow she sounds like she might just come out from her dark hole and strangle you with her blood covered hands cool
this line shows strength and anger combined very good way to start it off to draw readers in

Early afternoon light bleached golden walls further elongating tall shadows, as the busy work of daily life imbues the air. Despite the calm surface of the empty, ever-growing bedroom, the air hangs heavy. As if a secondary presence tried to take up the ether forcing it downwards onto a lone figure. The very figure that lingers by the door as straight and as stern as a queen looking at her subjects. A single cranberry eyebrow raised like an uneasy wave of suspicion.

lovely place awesome this must be heaven XD no body move the queens seen a problem i love cranberries though is this what her eyebrows are made of can i eat it.
lovely description here it gave me a real sense of wonder on what was happening and who the main character telling this story is.

“You will not meet me physically, old friend? “The figure called, her voice bouncing off age-old vaulted ceilings.

For a second there was no response besides the shuffling feet of servants scattered around the oversized hallways. The air seemed to only grow in heft as if it gained consciousness and lunged forward like a nosy neighbour peering over a fence.

she sounds scary whoever shes talking to at least this is a friend or is it
every line seems to be captivating me further into the story so far I have nothing negative to say.
one spelling mistake noticed on the last line after nosy, neighbour should be spelt without the u neighbor simple mistake i make these all the time >:)

“The purpose of this meeting was so simple, I thought I didn't need to be in the flesh. “A voice ripped through the room although one of soft snark it seemed to devour it whole. “If you're that worried, Your Highness, I can assure you I am just as real as the air in your lungs or the silk sheets you rest on. Just because you can't see me doesn't mean I’m not watching. “

this got me laughing in a very nerves way like who is this and why is he or she speaking to the queen like that, like hello you need to see me but not see me that make any sense
this was quite funny and gave me a little laugh despite the tension that's growing because of the obvious power the queen has.

An amused but polite smile that never could quite crossover into a grin graced the figure's pale face. A rogue freckle formed a kind of dimple on one cheek, cutting through the overall cold exterior. She moved forward from the door frame at her sides, still not relaxed as black silk dragged behind her. Its ripples seemed as measured as the owner was.

even she's amused by what was just said brilliant way to ease the tension hey, okay now i'm scared why did she just start walking never mind not a good way to ease tension and that black silk stuff i want it.

“Well, I knew that, Fate. I find it odd, that’s all. You come into my land, my palace, actually my bedroom of all places and won't appear in the flesh? “Life seemed to spark in the air between the small silent gaps like short bursts of electricity ebbing from an endless wire.

Oof you should up in her bedroom and couldn't even have the guts to show yourself fully, but wait how did she know you where there if she can't see? interesting some super power or something.

The figure said nothing more as she spun in tight circles, hoping to pinpoint Fate. A few strands of hair fell loose and burned a blood red in the light.

“We have known each other for as long as I have lived, although I would gladly take the gamble that you have known of me long before that. Still, you don't come even as a floating orb or gust of wind. “

oh maybe she really doesn't know where Fate is but just knows that Fate's there, and she needs to find them, this Fate makes me amused i'm laughing so hard right now.

The figure gave up on her spinning and sat herself down on an excessively plush chair. Her hand was mere inches away from a dark hardwood loom, a half-finished recreation of the garden lying just outside the window, sat centre stage.

Something mixed between a chuckle, and a sigh came from the air.

me currently closing my eyes to imagine this beautiful room that they must be in, yep a queens room for sure, don't chuckle or sigh it's creepy when it comes form someone like you
another spelling mistake noticed centre should be spelt with the re the other way round center again simple mistake

“If you must know, this a matter of temptation, a small mortal issue is all. “This time it was the figure's turn to chuckle as her eyebrow rose again. However, curiosity overtook uneasiness. It was then her body allowed her to register the familiar scents of nutmeg, cinnamon, fresh apples and the slightest undercurrent of dried blood. Stuck to her nose like a permanent perfume.

now why has Fate come explain yourself it is hopefully something useful right, i think actually is more scary if she'd chuckle then Fate for some reason so maybe that first chuckle isn't that bad maybe. hmm nutmeg, cinnamon and fresh apples that is a wonderful smell together wait dried blood did she just have this blood in her nose or did she kill someone?

“You're in the right place my dear friend. “The figure waited for a second allowing the ruckus from below to filter in. Music blared from the streets as vendors called shrill advertisements for silks, pearls and other luxuries. Underneath this all, if one strained they could hear the soft footfall of dancers twirling.

“I would have been, regardless. After all, I need something from you.”

i'm getting such vibes of cool calmness right now this is sending tingles up my spine but in a good way, i love the stuff going on below could you go down there and do something fun the tension in here is strong, just kidding carry on *nerves laugh* haha

At once, the sound seemed to be pushed away, an unneeded distraction put out of reach. The figure's shoulders glided through her dress like a fish in a stream, highlighting the slight bulge of her muscles. In a second she squared them, drawing in a deep breath letting the air give an unbothered mask about her. Except for her eyes, the hazy emerald colour shifted along a flurry of emotions. They never lightened in colour, instead they switched between dark greenish browns as the gears behind them sorted years' worth of worries in seconds. They only hardened into a warm, earthy, green as the figure gave into the silence.

as much as I do like all the description i must say this was hard to keep up with and i had to read it more then once to really try to see all of which you where explaining, i love the description though its wonderful but maybe don't bury it so heavily into one paragraph, separate it out between them talking it might make it easier to keep up with and won't seem over loaded, this is just my opinion though be free to ignore it.

“Now don't look at me like am asking you to kill someone. “Fate's voice was filled with dry amusement while the sun shifted and clouds darkened. “It might be in your skill set but what I am asking for is a journal. The proof of your mundane life through words. “

The figure's shoulders softened like melting snow as she smoothed a stray hair behind her pierced ears. A red ink moved with the surface of her skin making it come alive just like the freckles it covered. The smirk born half out of relief and half out of wit forms without a second thought.

Fate your already my favorite character without even really trying I hope your always going to be here with all your funniness. did she really think that Fate was going to ask her to kill someone? because she looks real relieved about it lol

“ I’ve had thousands of mundane lives and had the proof for all of them. Even you, my dear can't expect me to be a mind reader, you’ll have to name one. “

“This one will be quite nostalgic for you. I need to borrow the first one However, I suppose that wasn't your doing but rather your husband’s. “ The figure sucked in a short breath as the clouds outside grew heavy and dark like they were angered.

yes go ahead and name one I'm super ready and waiting for the reveal, her husbands what did he do! i didn't even no she had a husband okay or is he dead? cool now it's getting good and the clouds are telling you something dangerous might happen soon.

“ I Am afraid that might be out of your skill set and not as cut and dry as either of us like. You are aware of just how old that journal is, right?” For once there was no answer due in a short time.

“We couldn't have left it rotting away in our hands, so we archived it. Taking it out will be a death sentence. I don't think the universe can stop it from crumbling in her grasp. “

it's a journal none the less just give it to Fate and let Fate mess with it will you, wait am I confused because you've lost me when Fate said crumbling in her grasp, who's grasp? I've got so many question maybe they'll be answered later.

The air heaved a long drawn-out but motherly sigh as if to command the room to her will. It slithered up her throat like a cold slick serpent coming to take the moisture from the figure's mouth, turning her tongue to a wad of sand. Her legs crossed with little thought, making a few new wrinkles in the black dress pooled around her lap. While her eyes turned to the solemn shadows dappling swaying tree branches.

mother nature's not sure about this hole thing, hmm seems to me like Fate might be wanting to mess around with something he shouldn't be even touching.

“Something isn’t sitting right with you but you won't speak it. Unless I got the wrong golden palace in Hell, that’s not you. Go on. You're safe to speak. Not like you care for permission much, anyway.”

Her eyes didn’t move from thick twisted tree limbs, that came closer to the window like claws only to lose their nerve.

I see so where in hell great, i so want to know the name of who Fate's talking to, also Fate you really are amusing like yeah she don't wait for permission that's not a word in her vocabulary.

“Change is on the wind, isn’t it?”

“It always is, much like time it keeps coming without much hope of stopping it. Yet that's not what’s eating at you. “

“I know it has to do, with me or my land. After all, you ask for a very tender part of my past and I refuse to be one of your plan's puppets. Just come to me as a friend or equal, if you call on me at all.“

Fate i think that would be a no to the hole getting a peace of her past thing, also wow now she's calling her self a puppet to him hows he going to take that.

Something in the room stirred as if to shrug, a subtle current of air caught in movement.

“Have I ever come to you as a puppet? I come to you as you're the only one I trust to craft my plan into proper words.” Fate's voice was edging on warm as her voice seemed further away like she wished to not be in the room much longer. The rain and itsits drumming melody that had just begun, seemed to highlight every word.

Aww Fates just trying to be nice he don't mean any harm, or maybe he wants to steal her land, naa his a funny character who's to gentle of a soul to do that right.
not sure if you meant to do this or not but none the less itsits should have a space in between it, its its also not sure if you meant to put two its in there if not then just thought i'd point it out.

A sense of relief yet weary dread spread like split ink through all of The Figure's nerves. The feeling was like a thousand needles through her taller being some dull, but most are pinpricks of concern. All that came out was a short hitched breath.

she is relieved but still weary well guess she doesn't trust Fate as much as she's trying to believe she does, i'm loving how smooth the scene is right now.

“These changes… We will either prosper or be led into ruin. Might I ask which? “

In, a single moment the presence of something other than the figure itself seemed to evaporate like morning fog. Leaving behind the hint of a few words with it.

“I expected you to know by now change isn't simply good nor bad.”

Fate you mystery monster you couldn't even show yourself now your just going to disappear what are your plans.

Overall: I enjoyed reading this a lot the description was done so that it was very smooth and easy going, there where times where it was slightly confusing and hard to tell who was speaking and who was who but with a bit of slight improvements this would be a wonderful chapter.

anyway that's it from me

hope you have a great dawn/dusk/midnight

See Ya

Hello, My Friend!

It's me Raven, and following through with my aforementioned interest, I'd like to review this Prologue using my Familiar method today! It’s pretty much the YWS’more method with the touch of a fantasy-horror writer. Let’s dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…

What The Black Eyes See...

This prologue is incredible! The conversation between the regal figure and Fate is so vivid and so detailed, I found myself truly drawn into the moment, eager to see the next response. The substance of the conversation is very ominous, and it feels like it's foreshadowing something big. Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

Not much to put here at all! Despite the note that it's a rough draft, this piece is very well-written all the way through! As a recommendation in good spirit, I thought I would highlight one thing that caught my eye. Using just this sentence as an example:

“You will not meet me physically, old friend? “The figure called,

I'm not sure if the spaces between the end of sentences and the end quotation mark are necessary, but that's not a huge issue at all.

And of course, I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt ~

Why The Grin Widened...

Ah, where to begin for highlights?

First of all, your descriptions are just incredible! So vivid and rich with detail, creating a pleasant and clear visual for the readers. Like, even saying something as simple as the figure having red hair, got amplified:

A few strands of hair fell loose and burned a blood red in the light.

"Burned" red in the light. Ah, so much more impact! And not only were the visuals great, but you had great sensory notes mixed in to make them pop, perfect additions of body language and inflections, and even the more mysterious feelings provided by the phantom-like entity:

Life seemed to spark in the air between the small silent gaps like short bursts of electricity ebbing from an endless wire.

The dialogue was also great, with some great and poetic lines in there. Especially from Fate, like this:

“If you're that worried, Your Highness, I can assure you I am just as real as the air in your lungs or the silk sheets you rest on. Just because you can't see me doesn't mean I’m not watching. “

And when they spoke of the journal, it felt important to the story, like we were given a hint of what will become an important goal or relic ahead. Fascinating to think about ~

Finally, the ending, which I thought was the perfect way to wrap up this sample of your world. Both these lines:

“These changes… We will either prosper or be led into ruin. Might I ask which? “

“I expected you to know by now change isn't simply good nor bad.”

Even the idea that there could be prosperity or ruin ahead builds anticipation, and the uncertainty added by that last line -that change isn't purely bad or good (how true that is!)- makes it even better.

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, this prologue was awesome! Nicely done!