Young Writers Society

Hi, this is AkuRashomon. And I am here to give you a review or comment.

The story has a really good meaning, it is just that there are some areas you need to fix. Like your grammar and writing wise. In these areas, you can fix your grammar and expand the sentences into paragraphs to add more definition to your story. But this is good for a beginner, if you are one^^

But one day.

At summer time, when it was school break

Aza went to their provincial house.

And she met a lot of kids. Way Younger than her.

There they played everyday.

They played and acted as if they were at the school.

And Aza met her first students, students she calls her sisters and brothers, students she calls her own.

The ending is great and the story does remind me of how people can be that passionate in teaching and helping such children like Aza. It also reminds me of my teachers and my poem, Ano Ang Guro? (What Is A Teacher?). You might want to check it but it is in my native language, although I have added an English version. Cheers to you for writing this piece and welcome to YWS. Feel free to ask some questions about the site to the usernames with light green and dark green names.

- AkuRashomon

Salutations, curious mind!

Amaya here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨

The Good Stuff:

First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!

This is a nice little tale you wrote with a fitting picture. I love the concept along with your main character, Aza. Beautiful name too! ^^ The storyline is clear and the story is easy to read and fun to read. You did a great job! XD

However, I have a feeling English is not your first language or you wrote this in a hurry perhaps. There are quite a few grammar mistakes which I pointed out in the improvement section, I’d suggest running your work through a spelling check.

What also helps me sometimes, is reading it out loud. When you read your work out loud you can easily hear what fits and what doesn't! I hope I could help with that. XD

Areas to Improve:✒️

The following suggestions are merely to help you improve on your writing and not to offend you in any way. Feel free to skip these suggestions, if these are not what you aim for.

Little nitpicks on grammar:
The first sentence of your story, it would be better if you said “named” instead of “name”

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Aza.

Over here I’d suggest you change “finds” to “found” & “dream” to “dreams”

As a child Aza never finds passion and dreams of becoming someone like the woman standing in front of her.

And the last sentence, I’d suggest you change “it soon grows” to “it will soon/surely grow.”

Aza soon found passion in teaching. And although this was from a young heart, it soon grows.

As I said before try running this through a spelling check or read it out loud

~~~

Secondly, I wanted to say that you could add some more setting and description to your story. I love the fact that it’s short, that’s amazing. It’s just that your story feels a little empty, try adding some flesh to it.

For example,
Before:

There they played everyday.
They played and acted as if they were at the school.

After:

There they played everyday.
They played and acted as if they were at the school. Everyone took place on the rug in front of the blackboard as Aza used chalk to write some numbers. Then they sang a song to remember the numbers and did some other things like drawing too.

~~~

Lastly, my compliments to your well-fitting title! Your title was the first thing that caught my attention. Great thinking there!


Overall Feelings:

This is a beautiful little tale which could benefit from some more descriptions and setting, but apart from that it’s amazing. With a driving main character, Aza, and a cool concept, you have everything that makes a fine work. You did awesome!

Be sure to check out…📔🔖

This Colorless World by @Abbz & Classroom Ghost- chapter 1 by @letsworry

These two works are perfect to use for inspiration of adding more descriptions to your short story and emotion. Both authors have done an outstanding job writing their pieces which I think you should definitely take a look at when you get the chance.

Remember this is meant for inspiration, not plagiarism. Get creative and improve your own story! You already have a strong start! ^^

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Amaya Statham– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉