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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The McManus Job

by MonoCube


19:00

Evening at the McManus estate – a postmodern building with large glass windows.

The sun is setting and your mother and father are arguing silently in the kitchen. Their mouths open and close, but there is no sound. None but the wind. The couple bicker as they orbit around a joint kitchen and garden space. They’re cleaning it up, making it look nice, squabbling over what goes where and when. Your mother was always told to marry someone who complimented her extremes, but in some respects, her and her husband’s sensibilities are frustratingly similar. Infectious OCD is one of them.

Still, they know their limits with arguments. She shouts a little too loud, or knocks something over, and he moves to comfort her. She falls into his arms and all is forgiven. A quick pep talk later, they’re back to preparing their abode, wordlessly this time. The guests are arriving in one hour. One hour. It’s right there on the stopwatch. The place is almost ready, leaving them time to catch up on their new show before the first guest arrives.

All is well. It’ll be a good night, one they’ve been looking forward to. There’s just not been a lot of activity around their place for a while. But they’re not out of practice, only paranoid. Or is that only what they tell themselves?

Who’s to say?

19:42

You, Hailey McManus, emerge from your bedroom, where you have been all day. Your parents have forced you to take a shower, but you are still dressed in pyjamas, toothpaste stains down your shirt. Listlessly, you trot downstairs and grab a snack from the fridge – something light, just to soothe your appetite. As you take the first step up the staircase, there’s a knock from the other side of the house.

That’ll be my uncle, you think. Your suspicions are confirmed when you unlock the front door. He’s annoyingly early. He’s always annoyingly early, and he’s got a big white grin on his big white face, which is half-propped against a case of beers.

He yells something merry as he walks in. The noise jostles Mr. Brown from his half-sleep in the living room, where Homes Under the Hammer has been spilling the drool from his mouth. He shakes Mrs. Brown, who is snoring, pressed up guiltily against his shoulder, and rushes to the hallway. A brief conversation is made, concluding with yourself being given the chore of taking the drink to the kitchen.

Afterwards, you head back upstairs, as you had previously intended to do. You’re not ready to socialise yet, not fully, and your uncle’s appearance has caught you off guard. But at least you’re not your dad, having to put up with his forever-energised brother’s chatter while his wife slinks off to the garden to have a cigarette. Only a menthol one, though. She’s trying to cut back.

20:15

More have arrived. A lot more. A few aunts, nephews, cousins, friends…punctual, but ultimately unimportant people. One woman has a ridiculous hat that will probably be universally mocked after she leaves.

Your father raps his hand on your door. He has had a quarter of a glass of wine and some microwaved breadsticks. Downstairs, they are laughing. The uncle tells a joke about his brother’s growing bald spot, causing everyone to guffaw quietly. You, meanwhile, are getting ready. Doing your hair, picking out what to wear, all that stuff. Your dad’s telling you to hurry up and get your ass downstairs so everyone can make fun of somebody else. Or something like that. You’ll be asking if your ex, the benefactor, is coming.

He’s an interesting character. You’ve only broken up recently, and it was a messy one. You’re mostly indifferent; you never anticipated the relationship lasting long (especially once you started doing those online photoshoots for a bit of quick money) but the man is devastated and wants to at least remain friends. Naturally, you’ve given him the cold shoulder.

His recent habits had started to grate on you, anyway. He’d been spending far too much time on the internet, and the sites he was accessing were...disturbing. Borderline illegal, even, and that was just what he showed you. Your parents, naturally ignorant of the web, were sympathetic, however. They’ve invited him tonight as a way to patch things up. Or so they hope. At the end of the day, it’s up to you if you want to go downstairs, but people are coming that you haven’t seen in years, whose stories and jokes and gossip you wish to partake in...

It’s worth the risk, surely.

21:11

Everyone is here, and the populace takes up three meticulously arranged tables altogether, pushed into a rectangular formation. You are sat with mostly close family, who are enjoying themselves to various extents. The youngest among you, a boy no older than 9, is engrossed in the reward systems of his grimy iPad, but to his credit, he’s having a lot of fun.

You’re sat rather untraditionally at the head of the table, thinking of how the flow of alcohol is loosening lips. Whether it’s bragging about an adult experience or just letting loose some innuendos, the only thing spoiling your time is the manifestation of your clingy ex sat across from you. He has been staring whenever he thinks he can get away with it unnoticed, despite the fact that you haven’t exchanged a word.

Inwardly, you plead someone will notice. Maybe he’ll start getting really weird, and your dad will have no choice but to quickly and quietly escort him from the premises. Sadly, the man’s false charisma has managed to infect and convince those around you, which really gets under your skin. Must be something to do with all that money he has.

A phone alarm goes off, setting off your easily frightenable grandma. Your father stands up and saunters to the kitchen amidst the coos of guests. He comes back holding a huge pink ham sat in its own juices between a pair of singed oven gloves, wetting everyone’s mouths. The serving begins immediately, even though your mother has not finished couriering the vegetables and gravy to the table. That’s just how you do things.

With a smile, you temporarily forget your troubles and sink your teeth into the meal. It’s delicious, as expected, and many compliments are directed towards the chef. Your mother sighs when she looks into her partner’s self-satisfied eyes and realises none of the credit will be directed her way. Oh well. Nothing a bit more booze won’t fix.

22:17

A kind guest begins collecting plates, signifying the meal’s end. You finish your last mouthful of broccoli and lean back in your chair, satiated but not stuffed. A few people have to depart straight away, but most stay for a little more drink and chat. The living room is filled and the TV switched on to satisfy the youngest. Bellies are full and people are tired. The night is winding down, but outside, it’s getting colder and colder.

There is nothing much to report. Not yet, anyway.

23:22

As the striking of the midnight hour grows ever closer, a steady flow of satisfied relatives trickle out the door. It feels good having seen everyone again. Talking throughout the night has reassured you how close you are as a family. You’re so close, in fact, that even though not everyone’s left, your parents have already gone up to bed. Their sleep will be aided by thick walls and nice dreams.

You, meanwhile, are in the downstairs bathroom, having revelled in the glory of coming back from the death throes of a Monopoly game. Your enthusiasm for prosecco has left you feeling slightly drunk as you do your business and think about going to bed…even though you’re not tired. Looks like another night of staying up late scrolling social media.

You get one of the biggest frights of your life as you open the door to see your ex standing across from you. You thought he’d already left. Clearly not.

There’s a moment where you can’t read him. His naturally neutral exterior holds the moment in balance, almost like he doesn't notice you. It feels oddly mechanical. You take a step back, and the man's face strains into a smile. He twitches and mumbles something you don't catch a word of, noticeably pale and sweating. Wow, wouldn't have thought he'd lost this much confidence, is what you think as he sidesteps you and disappears around a corner on his way outside.

The weirdness of the whole situation catches you, but you shrug it off. Whatever. It's not like you should feel the slightest bit upset. Why would you be? He was the one who couldn’t get over you, not the other way around. Now that he’s revealed himself as a complete manchild, you couldn’t be happier. He’s gone for good – it should be cause for celebration!

Funny how that works.

23:24

You stumble over to the stairs and lift a foot, only to hear some noise coming from the kitchen. Curious, you decide to investigate.

Opening the door reveals a man who’s stayed behind. A polite man. He’s piling his plates up and putting them on the side, by the sink. He’s rinsing his cutlery. He’s wiping some mess off the counter. He’s being a great guest, and (most importantly)…

He’s very attractive.

Not quite supermodel-level, but you would consider him out of your league. Jet black hair and a sharp jawline – there’s a good chance he’s had a bit of work done, but only a little touch-up; nothing that would leave his face looking like a melting plastic bubble. He certainly works for you, is what I’m trying to say. You can tell because you’ve completely frozen and your heart is beating fast. Result. You want to kick yourself for fulfilling that whole “love at first sight” stereotype that everyone says about you, but right there and then, it doesn’t matter.

Who is this person, though? You don’t recall speaking to him at all tonight. Your uncle had spun a few yarns about some dude from whatever company he was under now. Was that this guy? Couldn’t hurt to ask.

Your introductions are mutually awkward, to the point of inspiring raucous laughter. Always nice to have a little unintentional icebreaker. Turns out he is the guy you thought he was. Even better, he’s a great conversation-haver. He keeps saying he must be going, but you get him to switch from topic to topic, talking about the night, your professions...your hopes and dreams. It helps that he’s only a couple years older than you, and somewhat wasted himself.

Gradually, you inch closer, letting your feelings unfold. Everything changes when he compliments your eyes. Your pale grey eyes that you’ve always hated. You feel your face soften. You’re quite close together now, leant against the counter. Close enough to feel his heat.

You lean over and kiss him. Hard, on the mouth. It’s sloppy, but he matches your intensity, and before a full minute goes by, you’re leading him by the hand to your bedroom.

You know that you shouldn’t really be doing this. Nagging voices pop up and tell you that this’ll make things awkward, that you’re just on the rebound, just doing it to spite your ex, but you tell them to shut the hell up. You’re in the mood for a fun end to the night. Your parents will sleep in, and come morning, no one needs to know.

23:58

The room is dark as you slip in together, illuminated only by moonlight. You feel slightly self-conscious as you realise how nerdy the place must look to the average person, space-related paraphernalia scattered across the walls and shelves, pristinely kept. Your newfound friend doesn't seem put off, though. He's looking right at the big telescope sticking out of the open floor-to-ceiling window. You begin undressing, but he is preoccupied, stood beside it, trying to get the focus right.

His childlike excitement is undeniably cute, no matter how much it detracts from the moment. You smile and join him at his side, giving him a quick run-down of how the contraption works. Jupiter is what he's looking for. And it shouldn't be too hard to find.

It’s quite a romantic moment from an outsider’s perspective.

“Was that Jupiter?” The man shouts, scaring away a few birds. You shush him, but indulge his discovery, letting him move the thing as he wishes. It takes a minute, but he gets it perfectly in place, then gestures for you to take over the eyepiece.

Deep breath now. It won't take long for you to realise.

00:00

Midnight at the McManus estate. A postmodern building. Large glass windows. No sound but the wind. And the time is right.

I take aim…

Gotcha.

Your last memory is the flash of my muzzle through a glass lens, up there in the trees across the road. Your body slumps to the ground without a word, and without much mess, thankfully.

My associate gives a quick thumbs-up, then silently departs from the back of the house. I scramble down and begin the half-mile-long walk to my truck to collect the second half of my payment from a certain wealthy benefactor.

Another target down. Onto the next job.


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User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 1500
Reviews: 6

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Sat Apr 20, 2024 4:44 am
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RangerofIthilien wrote a review...



Hello there, MonoCube! It’s Ranger here to leave a quick review!

I had a great time reading this piece and wanted to give some feedback! It honestly ensnared me from the very beginning and I loved watching it play out and seeing what would happen!

Without further ado, let’s head right into it!

To be honest I don’t have many critiques on this one. There were no grammar mistakes or anything to really touch up on. It looks great! The only things I would change is maybe adding more dialogue like what you did here:

“Was that Jupiter?” The man shouts, scaring away a few birds.


But that’s just me looking to make a more personable connection to the characters although had that been the case I might not have enjoyed the ending as much so it’s perfect either way!
The only other thing is the change in how you wrote the numbers here:

==23:58==


I was a little confused as to why they were not bolded like the rest.
Those were the only two things I saw, otherwise it looks really good and is an amazing short!

On the other hand, there was so much I loved about this story! Right off the bat I found the second person style view very unique! You don’t see many stories like that so it’s one of the things that instantly drew me in! Then the change in perspective as well was both surprising and flowed really well, leaving me impressed with how flawlessly it all fit together without me originally realizing! Like I knew there was going to be something bad that happened in the start but I didn’t expect it to play out like that and even though it surprised me I was still left with a satisfied feeling in the end like all the pieces fell together instead of with a jarring feel from the sudden action. I enjoy how calmly it was enacted as well.
Another thing is the level of description you used for characters and scenery so even though there wasn’t much dialogue I could still get a feel for the characters and who they are as people.
One more thing I loved was the countdown. It added that extra level of suspense that really made this story shine!

I’m greatly looking forward to learning more about the true main character in this story who appeared at the end of you chose to write more on it and I hope this review was helpful to you!

Have a great day!
-Ranger




MonoCube says...


Thank you for your kind words and feedback. I've fixed that issue with the unformatted header you pointed out. I'm glad you enjoyed the description and use of perspective. Your suggestion to include more dialogue is also an interesting one that I may incorporate in future versions of this story.



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82 Reviews


Points: 323
Reviews: 82

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Fri Apr 19, 2024 9:08 pm
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Ley wrote a review...



Hello, Ley here to leave a review on this awesome work of yours! I will be using my own review method today: Ley's Potato Chips Version! :D I'm trying out this review method in attempt to leave more enjoyable reviews. Let's get started and cut these potatoes, shall we? :3

Image


Turning on the Fryer!
Firstly, let me just say, omg?! This was absolutely captivating and the end had my face like this D: "What just happened?" I was so interested in Hailey's dinner, her ex, her newfound romance, I didn't even see it coming-- kudos to you for that! I think you have an exceptional gift for suspense stories, and the plot twist was definitely one of my favorite parts. These are just my first impressions, though, so lets get right into the actual content of this short story!

Fry Those Potato Slices!
As I said above, I obviously have a favorite part, and it would most certainly be the last timestamp. And now, I'm realizing that the timestamps are just simply counting down the time until Hailey dies, which is incredibly smart and clever of you. At first, I thought maybe they were just memories? Anyways, let me quote my favorite part for you:

My associate gives a quick thumbs-up, then silently departs from the back of the house. I scramble down and begin the half-mile-long walk to my truck to collect the second half of my payment from a certain wealthy benefactor.

Another target down. Onto the next job.


The fact you switched point of views--kinda?-- and have now shown us who is really talking, it changes the whole perspective of this entire short story. And I love it! I was able to sit back and review past timestamps, see if I could've guessed this would happen earlier, but I couldn't. This was an insane ending, and I honestly think it deserves a round of applause *claps*! :D

Add Some Salt!
I don't have any comments or recommendations for this piece. I couldn't find any grammar mistakes, and there is nothing I would change. The only thing I wished is that it was longer, and I was given more information at the end-- but this is a short story, after all. That's just my greedy self wanting to know why she was killed, and more backstory blah blah blah. So don't mind me XD It's perfect just the way it is!

Enjoy The Crunchy Greatness!
Overall, this was such a captivating read. I enjoyed your descriptive language and I love stories with plot twists, and this one hit the target right in the middle. Thank you for sharing, and I hope to read more stories like this from you in the future! Have a wonderful and productive day!~

That's it for now! Enjoy your potato chips! :D

With Love,
Ley :smt023




MonoCube says...


Thank you for the review. I'm happy you enjoyed this story.




I'm a fledgling potato bird that lives in a nest in the rp forums
— Ley