z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Burgundy Sight: Prologue

by AraWolf


It was a dark night out and the stars were shining brightly, shimmering against the inky sky. On a balcony, overlooking an evergreen forest, stood a woman. She was tall and slender, her raven-black hair flowing elegantly in the midnight breeze. But something terrible was on her mind. Turning, she began a brisk walk through her room until she reached the door, which she gently pushed open.

Stepping into the shadowy burgundy corridors, she continued to her left until she came upon a bronze Griffin reared up on its hind legs. She blinked rapidly — once, twice, three times — and the statue shrunk back revealing a complex maze of tunnels and halls. The woman stepped through in one swift motion and the hidden entrance slammed shut plunging the woman into darkness.

walking quickly down the halls she came to an abrupt stop in front of a fashionably decorated door. Reaching towards the curved handle, she opened it. Inside stood a tall white-haired woman with ice-blue eyes and pale skin. She was looking down at a book titled “Seers and Why They Cannot Exist”.

The dark woman withdrew a sword while the light dodged her attack and whispered an incantation that flung the prior against the bookshelf. Standing up, the raven-haired woman took three swift steps toward the moon-haired woman as the serrated sword plunged into her stomach, ripping it up until it reached her chin. The older woman gasped as the sword was withdrawn from her throat, intestines clinging to the sword from when it had been in her stomach.

She then fell landing on the maroon carpet with a soft thud, dark red pooling out from underneath her. The first woman plodded out of the room, her wet shoes slapping on the cold stone floor. Her job was done.


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246 Reviews


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Wed May 01, 2024 3:00 pm
RavenAkuma says...



Wow, this prologue was incredible! The writing quality was very good, I love the grim atmosphere and Gothic feel of those dark corridors with their beautiful touches of red. And of course, that unexpected attack is more than enough to draw my interest and push me to read more!

By the way, I opted for a comment since it looks like you already have some great reviewers helping you on this chapter specifically. However, if you would like another, I'd be more than happy to come back and post a full review that dives into the details ~

Great prologue! :D




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Wed Apr 24, 2024 4:42 pm
KaavyaK wrote a review...



Wow, this is an amazing chapter written by the author.

I really like the author's way of describing the characters in the story.

"The dark woman withdrew a sword while the light dodged her attack and whispered an incantation that flung the prior against the bookshelf. Standing up, the raven-haired woman took three swift steps toward the moon-haired woman as the serrated sword plunged into her stomach, ripping it up until it reached her chin. The older woman gasped as the sword was withdrawn from her throat, intestines clinging to the sword from when it had been in her stomach."
According to me this paragraph is the most interesting paragraph of this whole chapter, I loved this sword fight between two of them, I am sure the author is fond of action and adventure.

Nicely done.
Keep it up.
Waiting for more.
Thank you.




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Mon Apr 22, 2024 10:03 pm
Ley wrote a review...



Hello, Ley here to leave a review on this awesome work of yours! I will be using my own review method today: Ley's Potato Chips Version! :D I'm trying out this review method in attempt to leave more enjoyable reviews. Let's get started and cut these potatoes, shall we? :3

Image


Turning on the Fryer!
So, first impressions! I thought this was an awesome start to an even better novel. You had me on the tips of my toes from the beginning to the end of this prologue, and I can't wait to see what you make of this story. Now, lets get into the specifics!

Fry Those Potato Slices!
The thing I loved the most about this prologue are your descriptions. The way you describe how these two women look, the descriptive language while defining the battle, the scenery and the change into the hallway, it was all perfect! This specific line caught my eye the most, as the ending left the rest of the novel up for interpretation and had me wondering what this woman's job really is, maybe an assassin of some sort?

She then fell landing on the maroon carpet with a soft thud, dark red pooling out from underneath her. The first woman plodded out of the room, her wet shoes slapping on the cold stone floor. Her job was done.


Magnificent!

Add Some Salt!
There isn't much I'd change about this prologue, as it's short and straight to the point-- also it gave me enough background to want to continue reading this story. My focus while critiquing this is going to be more on the grammar aspect, as I did find some capitalization errors. I'll only point out one, and it's pretty obvious:

walking quickly down the halls she came to an abrupt stop in front of a fashionably decorated door. Reaching towards the curved handle, she opened it.


The W should be capitalized as it's the start of a new paragraph. I also noticed that in this same line, you switch between tenses. You started off by saying she's 'walking' through the halls, whereas in the last three words, you said 'she opened it'. Try to stick with one tense, present or past, and it'd make this flow a lot smoother! :D Watch out for those errors, but it's nothing major at all. I still really enjoyed this!

Enjoy The Crunchy Greatness!
Overall, I was drawn into this story! I really enjoyed how you started off with something action packed, and your descriptions were *muah* chefs kiss! Looking forward to reading the next few chapters (most likely today, but we'll see). Happy writing! :D

That's it for now! Enjoy your potato chips! :D

With Love,
Ley :smt023




AraWolf says...


Thanks for commenting! I seem to be getting the grammatical error sign a lot these days. Is it just me or did english completely change from the last 12 years I%u2019ve been alive??? anyway, thanks again and hope to hear again soon,
%u2014AraWolf



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Sun Apr 21, 2024 6:20 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was a very intriguing prologue right here. You've done really well here setting up a very interesting set of rooms and corridors before we tap into that big climax at the very end.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was a dark night out and the stars were shining brightly, shimmering against the inky sky. On a balcony, overlooking an evergreen forest, stood a woman. She was tall and slender, her raven-black hair flowing elegantly in the midnight breeze. But something terrible was on her mind. Turning, she began a brisk walk through her room until she reached the door, which she gently pushed open.


Ooh this is a lovely start to proceedings, a nice little touch on what that atmosphere is like and then a good look at this lady who seems to be quite an important figure just by the general mannerisms of what we're seeing here. Things certainly look to be moving here.

Stepping into the shadowy burgundy corridors, she continued to her left until she came upon a bronze Griffin reared up on its hind legs. She blinked rapidly — once, twice, three times — and the statue shrunk back revealing a complex maze of tunnels and halls. The woman stepped through in one swift motion and the hidden entrance slammed shut plunging the woman into darkness.


Ooooh this is quite an intriguing moment. One certainly doesn't normally run into a griffin like that and these corridors are really starting to become very intriguing. I'm really loving the vibes so far, I can't wait to see where this is going to take us next here.

walking quickly down the halls she came to an abrupt stop in front of a fashionably decorated door. Reaching towards the curved handle, she opened it. Inside stood a tall white-haired woman with ice-blue eyes and pale skin. She was looking down at a book titled “Seers and Why They Cannot Exist”.


Ooooh well this is getting more mysterious by the second and I am absolutely here for it. This is just perfect for a prologue in just establishing so so many mysteries for us to puzzle over here and incredibly intriguing mysteries at that.

The dark woman withdrew a sword while the light dodged her attack and whispered an incantation that flung the prior against the bookshelf. Standing up, the raven-haired woman took three swift steps toward the moon-haired woman as the serrated sword plunged into her stomach, ripping it up until it reached her chin. The older woman gasped as the sword was withdrawn from her throat, intestines clinging to the sword from when it had been in her stomach.

She then fell landing on the maroon carpet with a soft thud, dark red pooling out from underneath her. The first woman plodded out of the room, her wet shoes slapping on the cold stone floor. Her job was done.


Well that was an ending and a half right there wow. Really loved that description for the fight. It really brings about both how brutal it was and also the way it seems professional and nothing to do with personal passion. Definitely makes things very intriguing here about why that was done and in that particular way.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think this has been a wonderful prologue. The description is really nicely done there and it all builds up wonderfully for that last scene which hits really hard. That's very well done.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate




AraWolf says...


Thank you! This is my first full on novel that i am writing and i really appreciate the support! If you have any works you would like me to review, please just let me know and i will be right over! Thank you again, AraWolf.



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Sun Apr 21, 2024 5:30 am
TheLastWriter wrote a review...



Hello!

First a small nitpick but you shouldn't start any sentences with 'and' or 'but' as it's considered grammatically incorrect. Also make sure to capitalize the first letter of the first word of each sentence. It's okay if these things slip by, it happens to the best of us.

Moving on, I enjoy the mystery of the plot. Of who is this woman? Why did she murder the other lady? It's a very interesting set up. I recommend you show more action instead of just telling us. Maybe describe more, what did the sword look like, what was their facial expressions, what did the room they were in look like? There's a lot more detail you could add to make the reader feel more immersed into the situation and to get them more engaged. It's also nice to read more detail then there is less.

However, this is pretty well written, I enjoy the third person narrator. I enjoy the detail we do get and I very much think it's intriguing to read.




AraWolf says...


Thanks for that little tidbit of information, I really do need to work on editing but for now i think it%u2019s good. If there are any works you would like me to comment on or review please just let me know. I will head over there right away!
-AraWolf




Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle