z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

if i...

by gkbrlla


if i implied that your heart

only breaks if your smart

would you think i'm dumb?

i'd rather be than ignorant and numb

if i told you the belly of the beast

was where i was the least

scared to coexist in

would you think almost akin?

if i joked i'd rather be a cat

living a decade long life format

for where in boredom i stayed sat

would you think i view life as a monochromat?

if i revealed i made the bulls-eye

bigger than the surrounding rings

would you be surprised i missed?

or would it have been expected out of all things?


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User avatar
46 Reviews


Points: 8225
Reviews: 46

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Wed Apr 24, 2024 7:35 am
22Midnight wrote a review...



Hi names 22Midnight
hope your doing well, let's get into it!

First Impression: I'm thinking just from reading the title that this might be about if someone has enough money for something or maybe its about if they'll ever be about to find someone they love who they can trust.

if i implied that your heart

only breaks if your smart

would you think i'm dumb?


this is a very sad start to think that the person who wrote this is asking someone if they think there dumb.

i'd rather be than ignorant and numb

if i told you the belly of the beast

was where i was the least

scared to coexist in

would you think almost akin?


i can tell that a lot of pain went into this poem but I do fee like its hard to follow along with what you mean in this sentence.
also I feel as the than is messing up the flow of the first line here and it might be better if you just removed it altogether.

if i joked i'd rather be a cat

living a decade long life format

for where in boredom i stayed sat

would you think i view life as a monochromat?


Haha a cat yep the cat's smart though, also wouldn't be cool if you could one day find out that cat's aren't actually that color blind I mean I don't know if they are or aren't just a random thing I thought of XD

if i revealed i made the bulls-eye

bigger than the surrounding rings

would you be surprised i missed?

or would it have been expected out of all things?


to be honest if your a cat then i wouldn't be surprised you missed because you have better things to focus on.

Overall this was a very interesting poem and I liked reading it and I'm sure with a little bit of improvement it will be fabulous, also i love the cat in it the superior cat that knows it's smarter then everything.

anyway that's it from me

hope you have a great dawn/dusk/midnight

See Ya




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211 Reviews


Points: 10040
Reviews: 211

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Tue Apr 23, 2024 1:04 am
EllieMae wrote a review...



Time for a Black Cat Review!!



MEOW! Hello, friend! My name is Ellie and today I will be reviewing using my very own Black Cat Review Method! It is very similar to the incredible YWS S'more Method but I have Halloween-ified it and made it spooky! My little black cat friend, Vladimir, wants to offer his opinion on your amazing literary piece:

Mystical Witch Hat - What I See, Observe, and Interpret

In this poem, I really liked your use of asking questions. I find that makes the poem a lot more engaging. I had a little bit of a hard time following along at some parts, but I did enjoy reading your unique style of poetry and I love the metaphors that you use to express a variety of experiences and emotions. I enjoyed the formatting you used- sentences followed by a metaphor and then a question. Your voice is pretty consistent throughout the entire poem and I can tell that you worked really hard on this, so awesome work, friend :D

I also did like this quote:

if i revealed i made the bulls-eye

bigger than the surrounding rings

would you be surprised i missed?


The example of the bulls eye is great. My interpretation of this is that there is someone involved with the writer who may not be happy or compassionate towards them with their own accomplishments. To me this really touches on success and selfishness. I love the clash between the two of those.

Vladimir’s Advice - Suggestions for Improvement

only breaks if your smart


I think this should be you're instead of your :)

and I think you might be missing a word in this sentence, or maybe I am not reading it properly!

i'd rather be than ignorant and numb


It seems like there should be a word between be and than.

Overall, I can tell that you have a lot that you want to say ion poetry. I love your unique style and enjoyed reading this greatly. I encourage you to maybe speak the lines out loud so you can see how it sounds when others will be reading it, just to help with the flow and rhythm. But overall- keep writing, awesome job!

Jack O’Lanterns - My Favourite Parts and Praises

As I mentioned earlier, I loved your ability to incorporate different poetic elements. Specifically asking questions to engage readers. I love how you end the poem with this question:

or would it have been expected out of all things?


Black Cat Cuddles - Concluding Ideas and Thoughts

Awesome poem! Hope you have a fantastic day!

Your friend,
Ellie Mae

I hope you have a spook-tastical day, filled with black cat mischief!




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6 Reviews


Points: 50
Reviews: 6

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Sun Apr 21, 2024 10:25 pm
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AraWolf wrote a review...



Hi!
First of all, I would like to comment that your alliteration and humor is great in this poem. I love all of the ways that you managed to say that this person missed a target.
Now for the improvements, i would like to say that I don't know much about wether or not this person is happy, sad, mad, anxious, or anything else. If you could please tell me more about how the character is feeling, it would make the writing a bit more clear and concise. Another thing that i think you could add is some onomatopoeias. Those are sound noises that are often used in poems such as bang, boom, clap, snap, jangle, jingle, bing, and so on. One other thing, if you could maybe give some more background information, it would be a lot more easy to follow along with this piece of writing.
Overall however, i really liked this piece based on how creatively you can say one thing in different ways. I cannot wait to begin to read more of your amazing poetry. If you would like, please check out my work, “Burgundy Sight”.
See you later,
—AraWolf





I have my books and my poetry to protect me.
— Paul Simon