Hey! My name is Kaerae, I just stopped by to give a few suggestions while I was reading.
First of all, I don't know the back story because I haven't read all the other parts, but just this one alone makes me want to go back and take a look at them. All of the drama seems to be falling into place as a fight seen broke out. I like the concept that you based your story off of.
This part was a little confusing. Although I understand what you are trying to say, I think it is because you reference 'her' before 'Cassidy'. Try writing it something like,Azrail lunged towards her, Cassidy herself standing completely still, only to place a clawed hand around his neck, choking him.
Of course, there are many different ways to write that out, but play around with your words a bit.Azrail lunged towards Cassidy herself, but she just stood completely still, only moving to place a clawed hand around his neck, choking him.
Now this revision is just a personal thought, so feel free to skip past it if you are comfortable with what you have. In this case it sounds better to say something like 'Cassidy growled' or "Cassidy hissed'. It just gives builds her character as you add on the rest of the sentence 'her voice sounding slightly serpentine.' Again, just a personal thought."I said that the three of you would die, didn’t I?” Cassidy asked, her voice sounding slightly serpentine.
Ouuuh. The fight seen is so dramatic, I love it!! I like Melanie's little moment of realization that she had to win
It definitely builds her character. Maybe, if you want to, draw the fight seen out a bit. Instead of just having Cassidy killed like 'bam'. Introduce a realization point from Cassidy that she understood that she was going to lose. 'And her face paled as she realized she that she was going to be the one that dies today.' You know, add a bit of dramatic text.Melanie’s vision was starting to become blurred, but she wouldn’t let it overtake her. If she died, then everything she did was for nothing.
“You may think that there’s no light left, but you couldn’t be more wrong!” Melanie cried out.
Anyways, I'm excited to go back and read the beginning of the story and figure out how it got to this point!! I hope this helps.
KaeRae
Points: 102
Reviews: 9
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