Young Writers Society

First Impression💕: Umm, I understand that this is a horror piece, via the gore and blood. It's not terrible, however, it's not good either. The piece evokes a sense of horror through its graphic depiction of gore and bloodshed, but it falls short of delivering genuine scares. While it has a certain shock value, it lacks the depth and subtlety needed to create a truly chilling atmosphere. Overall, it's edgy rather than genuine terror, akin to something a preteen writer might produce during a dark, angsty mood.

Improvement Tips📑✏️:

➜Tone and Atmosphere:
Focus on creating a more nuanced and atmospheric portrayal of horror. Instead of relying solely on shock value, build tension through suspenseful pacing, eerie descriptions, and psychological terror.
Consider the power of suggestion over explicit violence. Sometimes, what is left to the imagination can be more terrifying than what is explicitly shown.

➜Characterization:
Develop the characters beyond surface traits and actions. Explore their fears, vulnerabilities, and internal conflicts to make them more relatable and multidimensional. Avoid relying on stereotypes or clichés, such as the mean and annoying character or the overly confident protagonist. Subvert expectations and add complexity to character dynamics.

➜Subtlety and Foreshadowing:
Incorporate subtle hints and foreshadowing throughout the narrative to create a sense of impending dread. Plant seeds of fear early on and gradually escalate the tension, leading to a more satisfying payoff. Use symbolism and metaphor to enhance the thematic depth of the story, adding layers of meaning that resonate with readers on a deeper level.

➜Narrative Structure: Ensure a coherent and well-paced narrative flow by smoothing transitions between scenes and events. Avoid abrupt shifts in perspective or tone that may disrupt the immersion of the reader.
Provide clarity in the resolution of the story's central mystery while leaving room for interpretation and ambiguity. Strive for a balance between closure and lingering questions.

➜Grammer: I recommend using Grammarly to help proofread your works.

"The creature then slashed Emma, which led to her eye being popped out her socket, her eye was now gone, she only had one eye left, which was her left."

To improve the line, you could aim for clearer and more concise language while maintaining the shock factor. Something more like "The creature slashed Emma, causing her eye to pop out of its socket. With one eye gone, she was left with only her left eye." Lot less wordy and repetitive.

Final thoughts: I wasn't in love with this, and I love horror and gore pieces as much as the next guy, but it just didn't caught my attention as much as I wanted it. But that doesn't mean you can't improve! Take the tips I mention and work with them and use the other reviews to help better this piece or any other works you're going to release!

--TOPAWG

First Impression💕: Umm, I understand that this is a horror piece, via the gore and blood. It's not terrible, however, it's not good either. The piece evokes a sense of horror through its graphic depiction of gore and bloodshed, but it falls short of delivering genuine scares. While it has a certain shock value, it lacks the depth and subtlety needed to create a truly chilling atmosphere. Overall, it's edgy rather than genuine terror, akin to something a preteen writer might produce during a dark, angsty mood.

Improvement Tips📑✏️:

➜Tone and Atmosphere:
Focus on creating a more nuanced and atmospheric portrayal of horror. Instead of relying solely on shock value, build tension through suspenseful pacing, eerie descriptions, and psychological terror.
Consider the power of suggestion over explicit violence. Sometimes, what is left to the imagination can be more terrifying than what is explicitly shown.

➜Characterization:
Develop the characters beyond surface traits and actions. Explore their fears, vulnerabilities, and internal conflicts to make them more relatable and multidimensional. Avoid relying on stereotypes or clichés, such as the mean and annoying character or the overly confident protagonist. Subvert expectations and add complexity to character dynamics.

➜Subtlety and Foreshadowing:
Incorporate subtle hints and foreshadowing throughout the narrative to create a sense of impending dread. Plant seeds of fear early on and gradually escalate the tension, leading to a more satisfying payoff. Use symbolism and metaphor to enhance the thematic depth of the story, adding layers of meaning that resonate with readers on a deeper level.

➜Narrative Structure: Ensure a coherent and well-paced narrative flow by smoothing transitions between scenes and events. Avoid abrupt shifts in perspective or tone that may disrupt the immersion of the reader.
Provide clarity in the resolution of the story's central mystery while leaving room for interpretation and ambiguity. Strive for a balance between closure and lingering questions.

➜Grammer: I recommend using Grammarly to help proofread your works.

"The creature then slashed Emma, which led to her eye being popped out her socket, her eye was now gone, she only had one eye left, which was her left."

To improve the line, you could aim for clearer and more concise language while maintaining the shock factor. Something more like "The creature slashed Emma, causing her eye to pop out of its socket. With one eye gone, she was left with only her left eye." Lot less wordy and repetitive.

Final thoughts: I wasn't in love with this, and I love horror and gore pieces as much as the next guy, but it just didn't caught my attention as much as I wanted it. But that doesn't mean you can't improve! Take the tips I mention and work with them and use the other reviews to help better this piece or any other works you're going to release!

--TOPAWG

[Me, energetic, not scared.

Emma, kind, vibrant appearance.

Cole, energetic, rad appearance.

Brody, scared, sensitive.

Vile, tired, worn out

Ava, mean, annoying.
[/quote]

I’m not sure why this part is necessary. In fact, it’s not. Delete the paragraph as it doesn’t serves the plot at all.

There is quite a bit of telling the reader information which leads to a boring story.

Here is an example:

Show Don't Tell: Showing vs Telling in Writing (With Examples)

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Hannah Yang
Speculative Fiction Author
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show don't tell

“Show, don’t tell” is a piece of writing advice that almost every writer has heard before.

So, what exactly does this phrase mean, and do you really need to follow it?

The short answer is that “showing” paints a picture in the reader’s mind, while “telling” simply states what happened.

This article will explain the difference between showing and telling and demonstrate how to use this technique in your own writing.“Show, don’t tell” is a piece of writing advice that almost every writer has heard before.

So, what exactly does this phrase mean, and do you really need to follow it?

The short answer is that “showing” paints a picture in the reader’s mind, while “telling” simply states what happened.

This article will explain the difference between showing and telling and demonstrate how to use this technique in your own writing.
“Show, don’t tell” is a piece of writing advice that almost every writer has heard before.

So, what exactly does this phrase mean, and do you really need to follow it?

The short answer is that “showing” paints a picture in the reader’s mind, while “telling” simply states what happened.

Me, energetic, not scared.

Emma, kind, vibrant appearance.

Cole, energetic, rad appearance.

Brody, scared, sensitive.

Vile, tired, worn out

Ava, mean, annoying.

Hey! My name is KaeRae, just thought I would give you a few suggestions while I was reading.

The creature then slashed Emma, which led to her eye being popped out her socket, her eye was now gone, she only had one eye left, which was her left.

the creature then slashed Emma, and it cut her left eye. Then, it popped out of its socket, and I realized she only had her right eye remaining.

Vile, fell onto Emma, which led to her death, Emma, when squeezed, organs leaked out her body, which led her to being dead.

Everyone else died, It was a blood show.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was an intriguing tale here. I'd say it needs quite a bit more descriptions to flesh it out and really sell the scariness of this thing a bit more especially at the start. The disorientation works for the end there but at the start it really doesn't appear very scary.

Anyway let's get right to it,

We just stepped foot in the haunted house, Vile, being the last one to walk in. Ava says, "Ugh, this ain't scary, why are we even here if there's no scary things happening?", I thought in my mind that she would get scared sooner or later. There was a loud thumping noise, I looked down the hallway, there was a huge bug-like creature which took up the whole hallway's width. "EMMA, HIDE!", I said, as the entity was coming her way. The creature then slashed Emma, which led to her eye being popped out her socket, her eye was now gone, she only had one eye left, which was her left. Vile, fell onto Emma, which led to her death, Emma, when squeezed, organs leaked out her body, which led her to being dead. We all stood near her dead body. I silently laughed.

Everyone was completely freaking out, except me. The bug-like creature lunged at everyone except me. Everyone else died, It was a blood show. All their organs, blood, internal organs, brains, etc, was layed out on the floor next to each individual. I didn't care, I stared at their dead bodies, and laughed. I heard stomps, noticing I was next, just accepted death.

I woke up, I realized, I felt no pain..

Was it all a dream..? Are they..

Still.. Alive?