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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Burgundy Sight: Chapter Two

by AraWolf


Willow headed towards the only place that had ever felt like home to her; the dumpster. If there were one person that Willow had to choose to trust, it would be Mitchell. She would never admit it though, she was far too esteemed to do that.

trudging along the muddy road, Willow thought that it was very unlikely that her mother would become the headmistress without a good reason. Thinking through her options, she finally decided that solving the murder would be the best course of action. Thinking about it a little more made it all the more sense, she would be able to start her career as a hired killer, and she would be able to uncover her mother's intentions all while a little hint of danger was sprinkled in.

Willow had made it to the end of the road and took a sharp right turn to avoid the bramble before she came upon the wasteland of her town’s dumpster.

kicking dust and debris out of her way, she uncovered a small hatch just big enough to fit a small adult through, which she definitely qualified for. Lifting it up, the lidded door made a small crashing noise as the hinges swung open and it banged against the ground.

“MITCHELL?”

she called down. No answer. Groaning, Willow knew that Mitchell was most likely building some strange contraption to make his living off of. Clambering down the ladder, she heard a faint sound becoming louder and louder as she crawled through the dark, damp halls. When she finally thought her ears wouldn’t be able to handle the sound anymore, it stopped. The dust that had begun to clog her airways started to clear as well. What was left was a dark-skinned boy with pitch-black hair sticking on end standing in the center of the room. He was hunched over a mess of wires and metal slabs tinkering poking and prodding.

Willow crept up and stood there forever before Mitchell finally recognized she was there. He turned around to snatch up another one of his trinkets and yelped as he saw Willow standing there staring blankly at him as usual.

“Are you ever going to stop sneaking up on me like that?” he asked

“Why would I?” was Willow’s curt response

“It ruins the fun.”

rolling his eyes Mitchell finally said,

“So I'm assuming that something’s on your mind?”

“What makes you think that?” Willow responded a little too quickly

“I know you too well. You are currently looking at me with a larger amount of intensity than usual which you often do when someone is right about something but you don't want them to be. So, what is it?”

Willow took a dagger out of her pocket and pointed it at him.

“Would you like to ask that again?”

Mitchell sighed, “Why is it that you always have some concealed weapon on you?”

“You know why, I need it now more than ever these days.” Willow grinned her small smile.

“AHA!” Mitchell screamed ever so loudly

“I knew that there was something! Now tell me right now!”

Willow sighed, sometimes she wondered why she trusted this obnoxious teen so much.

“Someone murdered the headmistress Persephone last night while she was visiting our house. Mother just became the prime suspect and I want to get to the bottom of this case.”

“Wow”

was all Mitchell had to say. He was absolutely dumbfounded and his mouth was hanging open. Willow had to tell him to close it before she choked him and he quickly snapped it shut.

“So,” Mitchell said, clearly excited at the new turn of events, “I’m guessing that you came here because you wanted me to offer to help?”

Willow sighed, “Unfortunately, I cannot do it all by myself for I will need eyes all over the place. So in short, yes.”

Mitchell’s grin was so wide Willow thought that his mouth might burst.

“Don't get too happy yet,” Willow warned

“I will be using you for my experiments.”

“Oh come on!” Mitchell groaned,

“And I thought that we were finally becoming friends!”

“I already told you, I don't have friends,” Willow said

“Unless you count dead people.”

Mitchell sighed and turned towards his work table again,

“When will you realize that you need friends?”

“I don't need friends.” Willow shot back

“And I don't want them either. They will only hinder my progress and destroy me.”

Mitchell turned around,

“Here.” He said, handing her his gadget.

“I made this last night. It’s to make sure that you don't get lost in the woods while you’re out running.”

“Why would I need that?” Asked Willow.

“It tracks your heart rate, how many miles you’ve gone, where you are, and even how fast you’re going. So even if you don't want to know where you are, you can ignore it and just look at the other features. Oh! And I almost forgot; you can contact me anytime with it! I made a second one for myself.” Mitchell explained.

Willow had to admit, she was a little impressed. But of course, she didn’t tell him that, instead she just pocketed the small gadget and muttered out a “thanks” before retreating back up the ladder and coming out into the bright sunlight.


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Tue Apr 23, 2024 2:12 am
KaeRae88 wrote a review...



Hey!! Loved this part of the story but just wanted to give a few corrections,

Thinking about it a little more made it all the more sense
This part is a little confusing to read, so I would write it as
As she thought about it, everything seemed to make more sense. She would be able to start her career as a hired killer, and she would be able to uncover her mother's intentions all while a little hint of danger was sprinkled in.


Lifting it up, the lidded door made a small crashing noise as the hinges swung open and it banged against the ground.
I would remove the word 'lidded' since it doesn't really make sense, unless you want to add some detail, you could replace it with 'heavy' or 'wooded.'

What was left was a dark-skinned boy with pitch-black hair sticking on end standing in the center of the room
instead of saying 'was' twice, maybe revise it to say
as she got closer, the figure of a dark-skinned boy with pitch-black hair sticking on end appeared in the center of the room.


Willow sighed, “Unfortunately, I cannot do it all by myself for I will need eyes all over the place. So in short, yes.”
The word 'for' needs to be removed because it does not grammatically make sense. Also, there should be a comma after the 'so'. It should look like this,
Willow sighed, “Unfortunately, I cannot do it all by myself. I will need eyes all over the place. So, in short, yes.”


“Why would I need that?” Asked Willow.
Simple mistake; the 'a' in asked should be lower case.

Willow had to admit, she was a little impressed. But of course, she didn’t tell him that, instead she just pocketed the small gadget and muttered out a “thanks” before retreating back up the ladder and coming out into the bright sunlight.
The second sentence is a run-on meaning it should be separated into two sentences. Try revising it to something like
Willow had to admit that she was a little impressed, but of course, she didn’t tell him that. Instead, she just pocketed the small gadget and muttered out a “thanks” before retreating back up the ladder and coming out into the bright sunlight.


Other than that, it looks really good! I can't wait to see the final product!





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