Hello AraWolf! Let's get into it!
Ooh... This is such an interesting story! I love how you build suspense. It has a very well constructed storyline (at least, as much as I read so far), good job! Also, how you describe Willow's personality is very well done. These lines portray her character well:
“Oh yeah. I’m great.” Was her sarcastic reply.
This line too:
Willow rolled her eyes, she was done with her mother’s pleasantries. She wanted the truth, and she wanted it now.
These lines indicate Willow's rather rainy and blunt personality. I respect that you made the main character like that. Most people do the stereotypical thing and make characters all happy-go-lucky and stuff, so how you created a unique character is cool.
Now, some corrections. This line:
But no matter, hoping out of bed, Willow drew out a crime scene investigation board complete with suspects and motives.
It's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it? It might be more simpler if you rewrite it like this:
But, no matter. Hopping out of bed, Willow drew out a crime scene investigation board complete with suspects and motives.
Also, in dialogue, if the same person is speaking without anyone else speaking in between, you can include it on one line, like this:
“Why Willow!” Her mother said, snapping her head around in surprise.
“What are you doing here?”
can be changed to this:
“Why, Willow!” Her mother said, snapping her head around in surprise, “What are you doing here?”
This one too:
“Well,” her mother began, “I was transforming into a rat so that I could find the root of the rodent problem we’ve been having. I was following the other’s when I heard a scream. So I followed it into a secret room in the hidden basement and found Persephone Conner lying in a pool of blood.” Her mother shivered,
Remembering, “there were guts everywhere” she recounted...
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“Well,” her mother began, “I was transforming into a rat so that I could find the root of the rodent problem we’ve been having. I was following the other’s when I heard a scream. So I followed it into a secret room in the hidden basement and found Persephone Conner lying in a pool of blood.” Her mother shivered, remembering, “there were guts everywhere” she recounted...
This is just a minor mistake:
she was about to crumple and throw out her sloppy transcript when there was a knock on the door.
Just remember to capitalize:
She was about to crumple and throw out her sloppy transcript when there was a knock on the door.
You are missing a comma here:
Mitchell grunted knowing that he was now dealing with an unhappy Willow, something that no one, not even her parents wanted to do.
Insert the comma like this:
Mitchell grunted, knowing that he was now dealing with an unhappy Willow, something that no one, not even her parents wanted to do.
(by the way, I love that line.)
Reminder: THIS IS YOUR WRITING!
If you aren't sure about any of my corrections, feel free to keep it how it is. It's a beautiful work of art no matter what!
Hope this was helpful! Keep writing,
Inferno
Points: 459
Reviews: 15
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