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Young Writers Society


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Hysteria--Chapter 1

by KaeRae88


It's been over 200 years since the disease called Aneurohysteria, also known as Ana, wiped out all the love from our city in Richmond, Virgina. In the beginning when the world was first introduced to the disease, we had no idea of its origin or that it would become such a big part of our lives. There is a cure for it, but you must meet certain health requirements to get it. However, there are certain people who are immune to Ana. None of the scientists could understand why. Those who are capable of love are invited to be part of the royal family. All their drama is recorded and set out for the whole city to see, but I found all that boring. I never understood why they weren’t forced into labs to give more blood samples to see what can be determined why they were different.

My life couldn’t have been more ordinary for an 18-year-old girl. It’s my last year in high school, and I ended up being the least unpopular person of all. I liked to hide in the bathroom to skip my classes most of the time which is exactly what I was doing now when the bell to signal the end of the day went off. I heard numerous voices in the hall as people tried to push their way out of the small school. "OH.EM.GEE. The new teacher is like so hot!" I rolled my eyes. As far as Macy was concerned every single guy is either super-hot or plain ugly. Without love, it made the ability to have flings without any strings attached super easy. In history, we get taught of the chaos that happened as soon as our city broke off from the rest of the world. Women had kids with any man that asked. Most people in that time had no idea who their parents where. When the royal family took control, they separated boys and girls and only those who were cured where allowed to mingle. I grabbed my bag, needing to get out of here before Macy’s group came in. Too late, her little circle of snobs paraded into the small bathroom of Livingston high school. When she spotted me, awkwardly standing there trying to get out while she came in, she stuck her nose in the air and pretended to plug it. "Ugh. Do you guys smell that dead rat in here? It smells so gross." Her group snickered and catcalled as I ducked my head and sidestepped her. I made it out without further incident. She needed to get her nose checked. She put so much perfume on that she reeked of alcohol for miles. But this is her territory, and if I say something wrong, I would be in for it later. I made my way out of the school and to the small alleyways that would take me to the wall that enclosed Richmond. We were shown pictures of the outside world when the teachers thought we would be mature enough to handle it. Buildings were blown apart and whole cities where destroyed. We were told our city was the only one that survived and all because we had rules and restrictions that must be followed. The royal family was praised after that because they were the ones that brought order to this city. When I finally reached the end of my walk, I laid down on the grass, using my backpack as a pillow. I had no desire to go back home quite yet, and so my routine on Fridays was always to go as far away as possible and lay with the sun in my face until the sun went down and the air got cooler. Truth is, as soon as I turned 18, my mother and father took me to get tested to see if I would be a good match to get the cure. I was denied and when my family learned this, they hated me for it. Both my parents were cured and so they were happily married, but sometimes it seemed like they were incapable of loving me. 


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Points: 483
Reviews: 2

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Tue Apr 23, 2024 8:00 pm
Bluepanther512 wrote a review...



All right, good set-up, but I have a few issues:

1. I feel like I just got slapped in the face with an infodump in the first paragraph. Given the school setting, explaining the Aneurohystaria may be more natural for an audience.

2. You could split up the second paragraph into several smaller paragraphs. Given how drastically the happenings change throughout the paragraph, it would make sense to split it up into several paragraphs.

3. Why, if you can easily be cured, does the disease still exist and still cause a problem. Should there be a cure and some people are immune, then it shouldn't be an issue considering how old it is; if you don't have any want to fall in love and it's genetic it would kill itself out and if it isn't genetic, but spread via contamination, then the fact that some have antibodies- which would be passed down to children- would also make it a nonissue in a few generations at most. So what's causing it to still be an issue?

4. The Asexuals and Aromantics in the audience will almost certainly be alienated by implying that there is something wrong with not experiencing romantic attraction (Aros) and that loving relationships require intercourse- but not one-night stands- will alienate Asexuals.

Luckily, these issues are all relatively minor. Only #1 would require any major rewriting to make it more natural, and #2 can be fixed by simply adding a paragraph break here and there.




KaeRae88 says...


Thanks for the suggestions! Someone already mentioned adding a prologue so I think I will break it down quite a bit with that. For #3 I plan on writing it out in a way that these people who are immune are gatekeeping the cure. So it is possible, but that is why I added
I never understood why they weren%u2019t forced into labs to give more blood samples to see what can be determined why they were different.
I want to develop that thought later on in the plot. For #4 I will have to figure out a way to fix. But thank you for the advice!



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Tue Apr 23, 2024 5:18 pm
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Moonlily wrote a review...



Hello hello I am back with a review I hope you don't mind me popping in here. Firstly welcome to the Young Writers Society or YWS I hope you enjoy your time writing and reviewing. Overall I really like this idea and you can have tons of real-world examples to pull from. Covid is of course the most current one that comes to mind but outbreaks with no reason is very common in history.

Even with its promise I have a few things that I want to bring up just to help improve this work. Now I am not going to harp on the lack of spaces as someone else has brought it up but dialogue should be its own paragraph. For example, it could be something like.
Macy’s group came in. Too late, her little circle of snobs paraded into the small bathroom of Livingston High School. When she spotted me, awkwardly standing there trying to get out while she came in, she stuck her nose in the air and pretended to plug it.

"Ugh. Do you guys smell that dead rat in here? It smells so gross." Her group snickered and catcalled as I ducked my head and sidestepped her.

It's simple formatting and please don't think I am trying to talk down to you I just want to help with the readability.

I only have one/two more things to say before I finish this up. Although it is necessary to know the info you give us a part of me feels instead of doing what writers call info-dumping you could create a prologue. My advice would be to start the prologue when they take her to get the cure maybe someone ahead of her is immune and they get dragged away. You could loop some of the info into the medical questions and show the parents getting colder to her after finding out. then perhaps start the first chapter with a class going on perhaps history where they're watching a film about the panic and chaos only from someone to want to watch the royals and the drama. After that, you could have it play out the same.

I hope this doesn't come off as rude or nitpicky once again Welcome. Stay writing and have you drunk some water today?




KaeRae88 says...


Hey! Yes, i understand now to break paragraphs apart. I honestly didn%u2019t think of it when i was posting. I will definitely take that into consideration. I did feel like I was info dumping, but I was trying to work it in a way that wouldn%u2019t be to overwhelming. I think a prologue would probably be my best bet for this one. Thank you for the advice!



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Tue Apr 23, 2024 5:35 am
ToastK wrote a review...



Hi, I’m Toast and I’m here to review chapter 1 of your story: Hysteria!
I won’t be criticizing or praising any grammar or spelling points as long as it’s not too bad, since story and the writing itself is what’s most important for me. Anyways, let’s dive in!

First, I’d like to say, this is such an interesting and fun premise you got! I feel like if this were a show on netflix, I’d turn it on and binge watch the first season just based premise alone!

Also, the way you set up your world is so magnificent and mysterious! Who’re the royal family? Why can’t certain people be cured? What’s special about the main character? So many things to unravel that it makes me want to read the next chapter immediately!

However, I would like to point out that even though the story was great, I kinda had a hard time reading the story, without messing up which line I just read, this is kind of a ‘me’ problem, but to make the story more digestible, I recommend adding spaces between paragraphs.

Kinda.

Like.

This!
(Unless it’s a stylistic choice, which I’d totally understand. but for me, I like paragraph breaks bcause they’re kinda like checkpoints if you get what i mean)

Besides that, awesome job!

I really enjoyed reading chapter one and look forward to more!




KaeRae88 says...


Hey! Thank you for the commentary! I use Microsoft word to write and then just copy paste, but I never thought of adding any spaces. I will definitely take that into consideration :D




If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France