Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was quite an intriguing first chapter. I think you've really nailed her with an interesting protagonist, some quite beautiful descriptions that tells us so much and the clear palpable tension you've established in the place. Its very well done.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I've sold my life to work, to have a purpose.

I miss my family- even if they don't care for me, I thought to myself as I got up from the dirty ground of the harbor. The pale moonlight slightly shining from the shadows of the night accommodated my blind eyes as I could see the blue waters crash against the wood below me. It was a nice sight and I always thought landscapes looked better at dusk since I could see them more clearly.

Oooh this is a lovely spot of description to start us out here. Really painting a rather vivid picture. And quite an intriguing picture too at that. This certainly doesn't seem to just be your typical sort of walk that just about everyone has. I'm excited to see where this is going.

I made my way up and out of the harbor, returning to the trail of my home I didn't belong in. My mind thought about many things when I walked back home, the thoughts scattered along my brain like: /"What time is it?", "Do I still have time?" "Will my mother be angry when I walk through the door?"/, things I could not answer at the moment. When I got home, my train of thought was interrupted, and I dared to walk through the door of my front home after being at work for so long. My mother was in the kitchen, cooking at such a late hour- but not one word came out of her mouth nor a glance towards me. I didn't bother talking to her since I knew she'd ignore me, instead, I hung up my coat and walked through the short hallways of the house to call out to my siblings.

OOoh this is quite an interesting moment. Once again I really love the descriptions that you've brought to life there to portray this return here. The interaction with the mother is also really intriguing here. There is definitely some tension there before everything is then directed right for the siblings. You definitely get the sense there's something to think about there.

When I slid the door open to my sister's room, I was met with a dark silence. She was not home.

I shrugged, sliding the door open to my brother's room. I was met with the same silence and darkness. He was not home.

/Ryuhei must be at work since I overheard from Mother that he'd gotten his first job./

/For Chiyoko, I do not know./

Sighing, I walked through the hallway and entered my office. My table was cluttered with books, journals, papers, and knick-knacks. I didn't notice it before, but I was all too tired to clean up. I simply sat down on the floor in front of my desk, hunching over as the table was too low for my stature. I narrowed my eyes, clearly bothered by the light my lightbulb emitted from above so I got up and turned it off.

This is once again lovely how much you tell us through the simple details about how these rooms are all empty despite them being what this person beelined o and then of course the state of their own room. Definitely raising even more questions know about the mother and the situation of this household in general. I'm very excited to see how this first chapter ends.

/Much better./I rested my head on my crossed arms that were placed on the table, staring to my side I saw the shelves of documents, books, and boxes of things I didn't even know what were. All in one medium-sized room, not even a large space. I heard the crickets and bugs outside of my open window, buzzing and chirping loudly almost as if they were next to my ear.

The rain outside was soft and I could hear it barely hitting the wooden walls of my home. Slowly but surely I started to grow drowsy. My eyelids fluttered, coming to a stop eventually until all I could hear was nothing.

I did not dream that night.

Well that is quite the ending here. After all of these suspicious moments our protagonist seems to think that rest is the only option and just settles down amidst what seems to be a surprisingly calm environment despite all that happened and it seems has quite the powerful sleep if that last statement is anything to judge by.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall its a powerful start here. Lots of questions raised and lots of intriguing details to note all around. I think you've done a wonderful job here setting up this story. I look forward to seeing what comes next.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate

Salutations, curious mind!

Amaya is back here and ready to review 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause this is going to be a bumpy ride. I’m going to keep it short alright!✨

All in all

This party rocked, let's take a quick look!

This is the beginning of something really promising. As I read through the chapter I was met with a tired protagonist. The fact that this is written in the first person makes it easier for your reader to relate to. Great thinking there!

You have a both mysterious and amazing title which was the first thing that caught my eye. I really want to find out the meaning behind it, so I might be back for further chapters. ^^

You have quite a nice writing style, I must say. I also love the names of the siblings, I haven’t heard those before, they are really unique.

Areas to Improve:✒️

The following suggestions are merely to help you improve on your writing and not to offend you in any way. Feel free to skip these suggestions, if these are not what you aim for.

I think the / in the chapter are making it disturbing for your reader throughout the story. It kind of bothered me, so I thought I’d point it out so you can take another look at that.
For example,

/Much better./

And this

/Ryuhei must be at work since I overheard from Mother that he'd gotten his first job./
/For Chiyoko, I do not know./

If you want to provide some background information or a flashback, maybe think about using an asterisk? This has proven to be an effective way to skip time.

~~~

Another thing I wanted to point out was that I find the beginning a little abrupt. You start off with a date, which is good. And then you go on about how the protagonist doesn’t actually have a life anymore, which is also a good start, but the part after this confuses me a little.

Think about: What was the protagonist doing at the harbor? Why is their life so messed up? Why doesn’t the mother care and why doesn’t he search for sth that makes him happy instead of staying in his life?

If these are questions that are going to be answered in future chapters, feel free to skip this suggestion. ^^

~~~

Overall, this is a great start to a promising novel. I would say definitely keep writing if that’s your wish. Amazing writing style combined with a nice idea!

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Amaya– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

Hey!! My name is KaeRae! I loved the first part of this, just thought I would give some corrections while I'm reading...

When I slid the door open to my sister's room, I was met with a dark silence. She was not home.

I shrugged, sliding the door open to my brother's room. I was met with the same silence and darkness. He was not home.

/Ryuhei must be at work since I overheard from Mother that he'd gotten his first job./

/For Chiyoko, I do not know./

First of all, this part was a little confusing. Although I did know you were trying to reference the main characters siblings, you didn't introduce them before. So really, you should reference them maybe something like this

When I slid the door open to my sister Chiyoko's room, I was met with a dark silence. She was not home, and I wondered why.

I shrugged, sliding the door open to my brother's room. I was met with the same silence and darkness. He mustn't have been home either. I overheard Mother say that Ryuhei would be at work since he'd gotten his first job. So maybe that's where he was.

It just makes more sense to have it paired together than have the reader try and guess what is happening in the main characters mind.

I simply sat down on the floor in front of my desk, hunching over as the table was too low for my stature.

I think it could be revised better. Instead of using 'as' try using 'because'. It just flows more I think, but that is just my opinion.

I narrowed my eyes, clearly bothered by the light my lightbulb emitted from above so I got up and turned it off.

Simple mistake; just should have been a comma after the 'above'.

I rested my head on my crossed arms that were placed on the table, staring to my side I saw the shelves of documents, books, and boxes of things I didn't even know what were.

This sentence is a little wordy, maybe it is because it has too many details in one blob if that makes sense. Try revising it to something like,

I crossed my arms on the table, then rested my head on top. Staring to my side, I saw the shelves of documents, books, and boxes of things I didn't even know what were.

The rain outside was soft and I could hear it barely hitting the wooden walls of my home. Slowly but surely I started to grow drowsy. My eyelids fluttered, coming to a stop eventually until all I could hear was nothing.

Again, just a simple correction, there should be a comma after 'surely'.


Overall, this is some beautiful work! I love the imagery and thought that went into this chapter. I am excited to see how it turns out!

With love, KaeRae