z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language Violence

Box Children - Chapter 2

by ToastK


A cold breeze swiftly ran through my body, curling me up into a small, croissant-like posture, while the temperature of the chilling air condensed my breath into tiny visible droplets. I sensed a faint aroma of burnt toast, although that may have just been because I was hungry.

As I slowly regained consciousness, I tried to pull myself upwards with a frail amount of strength, getting myself off the cold and dirty surface of the floor.

I woke up with my head shoved in a box. Yes, a box. Like one of those cardboard boxes you get from your FedEx deliveries. Except, this one wasn’t crushed beyond the point of recognition.

I tried to take it off, but no matter how hard I pulled, it wouldn’t even budge. I eventually gave up and focused on other things like… where the heck am I?

The box that covered my head had two small cutouts right where my eyes were, revealing a dusk, claustrophobic cell with rusted metal bars that were illuminated by a tiny window on the other side of the room. The window was too high for me to escape, nor did I currently have the stamina to, and the bars were too close together for me to squeeze through, with a padlock cutting off any of my plans to get out.

I trudged around the room, examining other things inside. There was a bed with mold in the corner on a metal frame to support it, a toilet and sink that both looked like they were drained of water for a long time, and a musty carpet that had stains so old that there was no smell from them.

With not much I could do, I went to sleep.

A light singeing sensation could be felt on my right arm. It was the sunlight that was cast through the tiny window. I woke up, and when I looked at the ground, I saw a lunch tray with what seemed to be breakfast. I was excited to dig in, but then realized that I still had this big box on my head. I tried to take it off, but it wouldn’t budge. Again.

I tried to crush it, slam it(and subsequently my head) against the wall, and even soak it in water from the sink that was surprisingly still running a smooth and steady stream. It was useless. No matter what, this box was sturdier than anything I could throw at it.

The smell of the food was killing me. It smelled great—way better than any of my school lunches— and yet, I couldn’t even consume it.

I tried to see what the food was made of at least, but when I touched it, it was rock solid. Almost as if it wasn’t food. Almost as if… they were decoys made to fool me.

With very little strength remaining in me, I picked up what looked like a ham & cheese sandwich. beneath it, there was a rusted metal key. I quickly searched through all the other pieces of food. Orange slices? Nothing. Pop tart? Nothing. The slab of butter that’s way too big to put on any actual meal and is practically the symbol of American over consumerism and obesity epidemic? Nothing.

They all had nothing inside them, and they were all as solid as rock.

I scrambled and fumbled to get the key through to the other side of the metal bars, getting it closer to the padlock. Shoving it in, it made a promising click as I twisted the key, unlocking the cell door.

I escaped, trying to run away from this dystopian prison like building that had a shockingly similar layout to my school. There was surprisingly no security that was active or even visible. Not even a security camera in sight.

There were no other cellmates as well. I suddenly had doubts, wondering why someone like me was placed in such an ominous place. That thought was short lived though, getting pushed back as I prioritized escaping this complex first.

The door to the outside was surprisingly easy to find, with the building only having one way to go in every turn. I escaped, pushing the door open to see… nothing.

I could make out faint silhouettes of buildings, but it was dark outside. The only thing that was illuminated was the Brobdingnagian building that I just escaped from.

I tried to clear my eyes, thinking it was just because my eyes weren’t adjusted to the dark.

Well, my eyes wereindeed not well adjusted to the dark, because my vision got clearer as I refocused my eyes. However, what I saw wasn’t a silhouette of a city. It was a remnant of a city.

All the buildings were either demolished or badly destroyed, shattered shards of glass and broken off pieces of concrete were everywhere.

The air was colder than the inside of the building, and not a single sign of life could be spotted. I tried to see if I could recognize anything, or find any hints about my whereabouts, but all the signs on the buildings were in a language I could not read.

I walked down what seemed to be a once bustling road with a plentiful amount of shops and restaurants, but they were destroyed beyond recognition. As I reached a bridge that was standing over a wide river, I sensed something behind me.

It felt…

Familiar…

I looked behind me, to see a child around the same age as me, also with a cardboard box stuck on his head. Luckily, it wasn’t that goddamn shadow figure that I grew to oH so lOVe anD AdoRE.

“Hey! Who are you? Are you okay?” I yelled.

The child stood still, ominously looking towards my direction.

“Hey…” I said, walking up to him.

“H… hello…” He replied.

“Do you know where we are? Why are we even here? Do you have contact with your parents?” I bombarded him with questions.

“Uhm… I don’t know… Sorry.”

“Well, i guess there’s nothing much you can do, huh… no problem, don’t sweat over it! My name’s Nathan. Yours?”

“Gregory… call me Greg.”

“Okay Greg, do you know what happened to… this?” I said, pointing at my head and the massive cardboard box stuck to it.

“No idea. I also had that thing on me when I arrived here.”

“Well, yeah that checks out I guess… wait, you also know about the shadow?”

“Oh, you also experienced it right? Everyone that comes here seems to have a similar phenomenon happen to them before being dragged here.”

“Then, you also saw it in your dreams?”

“Kind of. I saw it in pictures that were taken of me. A little shadow standing in the background, appearing ever so closer in every picture. Until-” 

He stopped, shivering from both the cold of the night’s gust and fright from the shadow.

“Wait, you said everyone else. There are other people here?” I asked, changing the subject to take his(and my) mind off… that thing.

“Yeah, there’s a whole camp of us. There are some that have been here longer and they know way more about this place than me. It’s been barely a week since I came here, so I’m relatively new.”

“Well, can you lead them to me?”

“Sure. Follow me.” Greg said.

I followed him through a narrow alleyway, through nooks and crannies, dirt and grime, stench and puddles, into a series of tents with light that were barely visible around the corner. It was civilization. Well, technically the entire city itself can be called civilization, but you get the point.

Without warning, Greg stopped in his tracks, turning around to me as if to tell me something. I stopped my footsteps as well, wondering why he suddenly stopped. Maybe there’s something wrong with the camp, maybe he’s reluctant to introduce me to the others when he’s so new himself. I thought, pessimistically.

“I… I’m sorry.” He said, shaking both his voice and body.

“For what?”

Without a word, he raised a pistol up to my forehead. Before I could say anything back-

*Bang*


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6 Reviews


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Reviews: 6

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Stickied -- Fri Apr 26, 2024 6:08 am
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ToastK says...



the shadow just wants to be your friend guys… if you see him, give him a hug. 🥰
i promise he won’t kidnap you




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Thu May 02, 2024 8:03 pm
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RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello Again, My Friend!

It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next chapter in this great story using my Familiar method! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...

What The Black Eyes See...

This was a great chapter to follow up that eerie, suspenseful opening! The utter shock and bewilderment as Nathan wakes up in the cell, a box stuck to his head, and tries to escape came through well. So did the grim, gray feeling of this mysterious setting. I didn't know what to expect from Greg, but I wouldn't have guessed that! Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

No recommendations for content! Mood, setting, characters; you handled it all very well ~ There were just some very tiny, specific things I thought I would point to in good faith:

Well, my eyes wereindeed not well adjusted to the dark


There is a space missing between "were" and "indeed" there. This could be a YWS glitch because it happens randomly in my chapters too, lol.

“Well, i guess there’s nothing much you can do, huh…


This was a very minor thing, I think you just forgot to capitalize the "I" here.

That is all for now. Great writing job!

Why The Grin Widened...

To start, I have to give big props for descriptions! I mean, your opening paragraph alone caught my attention and drew me in:

A cold breeze swiftly ran through my body, curling me up into a small, croissant-like posture, while the temperature of the chilling air condensed my breath into tiny visible droplets. I sensed a faint aroma of burnt toast, although that may have just been because I was hungry.


Great sensory notes, and you did great with the setting! Those decrepit, dingy details really made the cell feel like...well, a prison cell, haha. The gloomy atmosphere of the city, with the dark sky and crumbling buildings, was also great, and even the communal place sounds practically dystopian with its tents and backdrop of ruins. Great job all the way through, on that ~

The mystery really deepened with the introduction of the box on the head, the plastic food, and more. You did a great job at portraying Nathan's confusion and struggle to make sense of the situation, and it rubbed off on the reader, leaving them invested in finding out -in short- what the heck is going on.

Luckily, it wasn’t that goddamn shadow figure that I grew to oH so lOVe anD AdoRE.


I also really enjoy these snarky quips and Nathan's use of sarcasm, it adds a nice touch of personality to the narration.

“Kind of. I saw it in pictures that were taken of me. A little shadow standing in the background, appearing ever so closer in every picture. Until-”


Ah, so the shadow can manifest in multiple ways! That makes it even creepier; it gives the impression that he could pop up almost anywhere. The picture method sounds super cool too!

It's very interesting that there's a whole community of these box-headed children, though I must say, I wasn't expecting Nathan to get the initiation he just did. What a wild cliffhanger!

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, incredible work here, nicely done! :D

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Fri Apr 26, 2024 3:41 pm
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goodolnoah wrote a review...



Hello There! ~ Writing Commentary

All the buildings were either demolished or badly destroyed, shattered shards of glass and broken off pieces of concrete were everywhere.

The air was colder than the inside of the building, and not a single sign of life could be spotted. I tried to see if I could recognize anything, or find any hints about my whereabouts, but all the signs on the buildings were in a language I could not read.
I walked down what seemed to be a once bustling road with a plentiful amount of shops and restaurants, but they were destroyed beyond recognition. As I reached a bridge that was standing over a wide river, I sensed something behind me.


Your descriptions of the mysterious land that Nathan has found himself in really caught me here! It really conveys a feeling of unease and unfamiliarity. The world here seems to have crumbled. I can only wonder why…

I followed him through a narrow alleyway, through nooks and crannies, dirt and grime, stench and puddles, into a series of tents with light that were barely visible around the corner. It was civilization. Well, technically the entire city itself can be called civilization, but you get the point.


Again, really liked the descriptions of the environment. Extra points for adding what he felt, the feeling of dirt and grime moving through these narrow alleyways. A cool plus could be to add other senses, like smell and such!

If I had anything for critiques, I would say that it’s okay to use commas! They are your best buddy!

I escaped, trying to run away from this dystopian prison like building that had a shockingly similar layout to my school. There was surprisingly no security that was active or even visible. Not even a security camera in sight.


I would write it like this,

“I escaped, trying to run away from this dystopian, prison-like building that had a shockingly similar layout to my school. There was no security that was active or visible. Not a security camera in sight.”

Also keep in mind that some words are just there for “filler”. On an edit, make sure to comb through your story to get rid of any filler language. I got rid of the words “surprisingly”, as well as the two “evens” because they don’t add much to the sentence, the feeling is still conveyed, and the sentence looks more concise!

I used to use lots of filler words, and after a quick edit, I am usually able to cut down on filler language. It’s a habit many writers have, but it’s deceptively easy to shake. It is perfectly fine to put first drafts in YWS, of course! That’s what we’re here for!

If you are looking to improve your writing, the easiest thing to do is read other works here! I’ve done some reviews, and through that, I’ve picked up some healthy writing habits!

Again, please take my critique with a grain of salt, I love everything I’ve read so far!

Love and…Cardboard(?) ~ Story Commentary

Well…you certainly have a way with cliffhangers! That’s one thing about your story structure that I have come to love in these chapters. There is this undeniable sense of buildup in all your chapters, leading to the *bang* (literally).

I don’t have too much to say in regards to story commentary, because the plot is unfolding, so I leave you with my question.

I don’t think our buddy Greg is one to shoot someone without reason, and he seems hesitant. Perhaps from the leader of the group of box children? If so, I am wondering why they wouldn’t want anyone else joining, or if there is a sort of “in crowd” of the escapees.

Why is that Box holding a Gun? ~ Closer

As I say to powerful writers like yourself…

Hey don't give up! ‹𝟹
:*˚:✧。❃ ུ ۪✧˚ ༘ ⋆。˚
Good things takes time ‹𝟹
ᰔᩚ.`°'˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗°`.ᰔᩚ





Resistance is futile.
— The Borg