Hi it's 22Midnight
hope your doing well, let's get into it!
First Impression: so this is a poem to open up a story, i'm getting the impression that it might be like a replacement for a prologue maybe or something like the wings of fire books where it was a prophecy, can't wait to find out.
In the gentle glow of the light of day,
She finds herself lost in a poetic sway.
Does it dance on his grin, so pure and bright,
Or on her cheeks, kissed by golden light?
Daylight whispers secrets, oh so sweet,
As she ponders where its rays discreet.
In her laughter's cadence, in smiles so fine,
Or the twinkle in her gaze, like stars align.
this is a beautiful start a feel like this is talking about someone's lover that there almost to scared to go up to and ask if they'd like to go out with them.
one thing did stick out to me here in the second line since it is a poem I don't really think that telling us it is a poem with the word poetic is a great way to pull the reader in, maybe replace that word with something like gentle
the line not changed: She finds herself lost in a poetic sway.
the line changed: She finds herself lost in a gentle sway.
there we are please remember this is just my thoughts and be free to ignore it.
second thing I feel like the constant capitalization is messing up the flow of the poem as well, maybe try to lessen the fool stops to and add different types of apostrophes and things like this ; this might help make it easier to read.
But alas, as the daylight fades away,
Taking with it her joy, in sad dismay.
No more shall she compare, no longer yearn,
For she rests in peace, where sunbeams no longer turn.
In the quiet stillness, she finds her repose,
No more to ponder where daylight flows.
For in her memory, forever it shall stay,
The light of day, in its eternal sway.
wow it was such a lovely start and now such a saddening end, what happened to her, maybe that's what where supposed to find out from the novel, maybe someone she loves is going to take vengeance over someone who possibly could have killed her.
Overall: I loved reading it, the overall meaning was brought a cross in a very wonderful way and the consistent rhyming was done incredibly well, i really hope to see if you have started the novel, i think i'd be interested in reading it.
anyway that's it from me
hope you have a great dawn/dusk/midnight
See Ya
). Good job, I will give this piece a solid 8 out of 10. You seem new here. That is pretty impressive for a new writer in YWS! Short late welcome to you and a applause for your beautiful piece!👏👏👏
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Reviews: 46
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