hello, this is AkuRashomon and I am here to give you a review/comment for your piece.
Warm light on linoleum floors
And candied sweets resting on paper plates
The blending of voices and movement of cloth
A tightly-knit community, composed of music notes and warmth
I love how your poem stars with a calming atmosphere. The descriptive words make me imagine what is said. The color I can see with this part is a warm orange sunset with a soulful sounding beat of melody.
Acceptance and the courage to whoop and scream
In the lunchroom of a school building
as evening sets
Multicolored ribbons spinning 'round metal pillars
Sweet peacefulness where I'll never belong
As the poem progresses, you can feel the loneliness and the sadness of the narrator's tone. The atmosphere may be comforting but it has a sad tone to it. I can imagine a young teenager sitting on the stairway at school, looking like a complete individual to the rest of the school. The school may be a sunset orange but the narrator is a black individual. If you are seeing what the narrator is seeing, it is all a majestic blur.
Bittersweet peacefulness
Because I don't truly know anyone
Or because it's been far too long
since i made my voice matter,
since i put my voice to thoughts,
since i even knew myself?
Bittersweet peacefulness
because it's been far too long
since i felt this person
deserved to belong
"Bittersweet peacefulness". Periodt. That line is so good. It is the thing that can describe the feeling of the narrator and the atmosphere of the poem. Being a student who is an outsider feels bittersweet bliss in school. The world is beautiful but at what cost? This is really sad.....I can relate. Anyway, i would love to see you use punctuation more in this poem to enhance more emotion to it. Overall, it is a well-written and wonderful piece. Just add more punctuation to add more feeling when your readers read it.
P.S. If you felt this, I feel you and I feel bad. When people are lost, they will eventually find their way back to where they belong.
- AkuRashomon
Points: 16328
Reviews: 240
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