Young Writers Society

Hiiiiii, this is AkuRashomon and I am here to give a mere review/comment. I have class in 30 minutes

How is it possible that I almost caught feelings for someone who's not mine?

She already claimed you.

I was the one who introduced y'all to each other.

She calls you 'her man'.

She talks about you like she owns you.

This first part is a good entrance. You can feel the hatred yet sadness in the tone of how you read it. It is kinda giving Oliva Rodrigo, Conan Gray, Ariana Grande, NIKI vibes. It also reminds of those movies where a guy has a girl best friend and that best friend falls in love with him but he has already found someone else. The line, "She talks about you like she owns you" just hurt, man. And it tells me that the guy/person that the narrator is talking about is a prize that his girl won while the narrator yearns for his love.

I never really realized how handsome you look when you smile.

Did you notice that we were matching today?

Our outfits matched.

My Royal Blue nail polish matched your hat and jacket.

I asked you to hold my drink.

I didn't want it anymore and said that you could throw it away.

You drank out of it instead.

Now the narrator pities herself and gives small details about how they are similar she's delusional. But the guy drinking the narrator's drink is kind of like he is giving her signals which makes his character a bit confusing.

I was shocked.

You happily stared at me while you drank out of my cup.

She saw you do it too.

She rolled her eyes and had a jealous look on her face.

Just think about it, we would be perfect together.

But no instead, you 'chose' her

Do you even like her?

This is where the narrator gets confused too but she enjoys the fact that his girl is jealous. She questions his decision making, making him sound like a player. It is like the verse and chorus in Heather by Conan Gray. The guys in the song kisses the narrator but he would still chose someone else in the end AKA Heather.

She's my best friend and I would never do anything to hurt her, right?

Especially not on her birthday!

You didn't even tell her 'Happy Birthday.'

I wish I talked to you first.

We could've been good together.

It's too late now.

She already claimed you.

I wish I talked to you first...

Now, that is messed up! She's the narrator's best friend?! This poem is spicier than I thought! You should make this at least 12+for a little mature content because it is a bit juicy. The fact that the girl he is with is the narrator's bestie just makes it more painful and it's her birthday party. Over all, this is great. I did this speed run because of my class. I hope you like this review like how I like your poem. It is a freestyle that could be turned into a sad girl/boy vibe pop song >.<

- AkuRashomon

Hello, my fellow writer friend! Let's get started.

Ah, what a heartfelt poem. It has a mixture of emotions. Love, warmth, unsteadiness, spite. I have similar experiences too! This is a truly lovely poem.

I was the one who introduced y'all to each other.

She calls you 'her man'.

She talks about you like she owns you.

Oh. My. Goodness. This part I was like "bro you are literally putting the story of my life into this poem!" Wow, wow, wow. I feel you, but most importantly, I feel the words. The anger. The regret. Nicely done.

I never really realized how handsome you look when you smile.

Did you notice that we were matching today?

Our outfits matched.

My Royal Blue nail polish matched your hat and jacket.

I asked you to hold my drink.

I didn't want it anymore and said that you could throw it away.

You drank out of it instead.

I was shocked.

You happily stared at me while you drank out of my cup.

This part shows the fuzzy warm feeling. The feeling that makes the heart do flips in one's chest. I love the way wrote this part.

She saw you do it too.

She rolled her eyes and had a jealous look on her face.

Just think about it, we would be perfect together.

Ooooooh... This tidbit had the "heh heh heh. TAKE THAT!" zing to it. It makes the reader feel good, in a teasing sort of way. Good job!


Now, a few corrections. This snippet:

My Royal Blue nail polish matched your hat and jacket.

I think you accidentally put an extra space between "Royal" and "Blue". It's really minor, but still. If you delete that space, it would make it more grammatically correct.

And here:

I didn't want it anymore and said that you could throw it away.

Again, a small error. But maybe insert a comma, like this:

I didn't want it anymore, and said that you could throw it away.

Overall, this was a great poem! Keep up the good work.

Quick note!
This story seems like it actually took place, the way you wrote it. If so, just know that if a guy you like chooses someone else... Then girl , that boy don't deserve you. You deserve someone who will treat you well and don't have eyes for anyone but YOU. I know it might be hard, but if a guy chooses someone else, dust your hands off. Pick yourself up. Just move on. You deserve better.

Happy writing!
Inferno