Young Writers Society

Scorned and rejected
With the sun beating down,
She filled water until called
By him who is crowned.

"I am the one you wait for.
Called from above.
My name do not ignore,
For I know who you are."

"Two bloods run through you
Mixed and combined.
Samaritan you’re called
Your race is despised."

"No judgment in my eyes
No prejudice in my heart
You are one of mine
And my love will not depart."

"The savior is he!"
She called from aloft
At her words they came
To see all doubt doffed.

Living water I’ll give,
To your souls desire.
Your belief in me
Is only required.

"Harvest the souls
Sown by the prophets.
Eternal life is theirs
Let no one forget."

Two days he stayed
And shared his grace
With those who were shunned,
Discarded and displaced.

Remember this I say!
His love will never fade.
For those who ask,
Let mercy not be delayed.

WOW! i love it! well written. I was getting the feel that you were talking about Christ Jesus, yes?? maybe, im not sure, but your choice of words is good, the way its structured, is good, and overall this poem is very well written. ive got nothing to nit-pick at, so yes, cant wait to see some more of your work around. Well Done!

Yes I was speaking about Jesus Christ

Hi! I love this story, so I'm glad to see it here!

My first comment is that you switch from talking about Jesus in the third person to speaking as Jesus would in the first person. It's a little odd, and I would suggest either making it completely third or completely first. I like the first person stanzas better, so I would recommend that, but do whatever you want.

Also, you really need to punctuate this. It's really odd without the punctuation and almost impossible to read, so just work on that a bit. Since this is a classically structured poem, I think you can submit to the usual punctuation rules in poetry.

Scorned and rejected
With the sun beating down,
She filled water until called
By him who is crowned. <-- Generally, people capitalize "Him" here because Jesus is God.

I am the one you wait for. <-- See, you switch to first person here!
Called from above.
My name do not ignore,
For I know who you are.

Two bloods run through you
Mixed and combined.
Samaritan you’re called
You’re race is despised. <-- Should be "Your"

No judgment in my eyes
No prejudice in my heart
You are one of mine
And my love will not depart.

The savior is he! <-- Consider using quotation marks here.
She called from aloft <-- I don't really think this is what you meant. This implies that she is hovering in the air.
At her words they came
To see all doubt doffed. <-- The word "doff" is very archaic and it doesn't fit with the rest of your poem at all.

Living water I’ll give,
To your souls desire <-- Should be "soul's" with the apostrophe.
Your belief in me
That is only required. <-- This stanza makes no sense. Consider if Jesus actually said this: "Living water I'll give to your soul's desire. Your belief in me that is only required." It doesn't make sense. The last sentence (though it's not punctuated, so technically it's not a sentence) just is nonsense.

Harvest the souls
Sown by the prophets <-- Uh... I don't think that your biblically correct here. Did the prophets really plant the souls of humans here, or are you desperately grabbing at anything you can to rhyme?
They are ready he called
Eternity their profit. <-- Yeah, this stanza seems generally out of place here.

Two days he stayed
And shared his grace
With those who were shunned,
Discarded and displaced.

Remember this I say!
His love will never fade.
For those who ask,
Let mercy not be delayed. <-- This stanza also seems like something just thrown in. I don't quite like it, because it seems very truncated and not delved into at all.

Anyway, make sure that, if you decide to rhyme, you don't start saying things that don't make sense.

Hope this helps!

Thank you for your critiques! I really appreciated them.
"I don't think that your biblically correct here"
I did alot of reasearch for this poem and I do believe that I am correct. I could be wrong but I don't think I am.

First of all, this was simply astounding! I love this piece so much it's not even funny! I love it so much, I think I killed it with my love! I have only one mistake though:

Starleene wrote:"Harvest the souls
Sown by the prophets.
Eternal life is theres right here, it needs to be "Eternal life is THEIRS" just a simple grammar mistake
Let no one forget."

That's all I found wrong! GREAT job. Keep writing! BRAVO

Either rhyme or don't rhyme at all. I tried to like this poem. I really did. I thought the message was great. I love poetry based on the bible, but this on really just didn't work for me. In multiple places it looked like you thought 'oh this will rhyme' Then slapped it on and when it didn't you were like 'well,close enough.' I found it to be an annoyance and a distraction from the poem.
However, I did think you did a good job with the meter in this. I read so many poems on this site that completely disreguard any sort of meter at all. I was pleased to see it in yours.
Happy writing.
~DG

Wow. I wish there was a 'love' button! I am Christian (assuming you are Christian) too (high-five!) I think everyone else already caught everything, so I have nothing to critique. Sorry that this isn't much of a review. I love the message and the way you worded it. I'm going to go show this to my family! Beautiful poem .