Young Writers Society

i wrote this poem ages ago, about 2 years for english i believe. we than had to attach an explanation. please don't be as brutal as others were in my last post. i'm weak and can't take a mass amount of criticism without some sort of encouragement.

She sits at her chair,
As fragile as a porcelain doll
Her hands like claws
Her legs as pale as the winter snow

She stares at the paints before her
The brush, but a few paces away
Eyes upon her, wearing encouraging faces
Like she is a baby, taking her first steps
But the girl just stares
Her face a blank canvas

She is a butterfly in a cacoon
A delicate beauty on the inside
A mound of nothing on the outside
She beats her frustrated wings
Against her prison walls
She is trapped, unable to show her true self
The others break free,
She knows it in her heart
Like gazelles in the air, they fly
“Why can’t I?”

The girl swings her clumsy hand
And knocks the paint to floor
The voices sigh and say “One day”
She raises her brittle head
Slowly and carefully, like a cat
Her piercing eyes meet mine
“When is that day?”

This poem is about a girl with a disability. The words give us a picture of a fragile girl attempting to paint. People watch and encourage but it is simply impossible for her to break through the barriers of her disability. There are many examples of the use of metaphors; however the most important being the comparison with a butterfly. The girl is a butterfly in the sense that she is trapped in a body that cannot do what she wants it to do, as the beauty of a butterfly is trapped by a cacoon. There are also many examples of similes; “as fragile as porcelain”, “hands like claws”, “as pale as the winter snow” and “like gazelles in the air, they fly”.
The poem creates a mood of want and frustration. We read how the girl struggles. It is written in a somewhat intimate way, it is the girl’s deepest feelings. I would say there is also an air of reflection, in the sense that she is exploring and reflecting on her feelings.
The purpose is to give insight on what it would be like to live in a body with no control. The frustration and struggle for acceptance and independence. It is written both for people with needs and without, to help relate and understand.

Okay.. My first concern is the beginning:

i wrote this poem ages ago, about 2 years for english i believe. we than had to attach an explanation.

What is your reasoning in telling us that you wrote it two years ago? If it is to say that it might not be that good, then fix it first! An explanation should never be necessary for any semi-decent poem. A poem should convey its meaning without saying it straight out. Next:

please don't be as brutal as others were in my last post. i'm weak and can't take a mass amount of criticism without some sort of encouragement.

Do you want people to lie to you and say that your poetry is amazing? Guess what. It's not. You need work just like everyone else. Criticsm is almost always more helpful than encouragment. If you want lies about your poetry, please don't post it here. All we try to do is give critiscim. I would be thankful for the harsh criticism, because it helps you improve.

She sits at her chair,
As fragile as a porcelain doll
Her hands like claws
Her legs as pale as the winter snow

I would change the first line to "She sits in her chair," I didn't like the similie as pale as the winter snow. For your third line, describe what charecteristc they share with claws (i.e. curled like claws, sharp as claws, etc)

She stares at the paints before her
The brush, but a few paces away
Eyes upon her, wearing encouraging faces
Like she is a baby, taking her first steps
But the girl just stares
Her face a blank canvas

I didn't like this. A lot of it was really abstract. It didn't really have any significance to me.

She is a butterfly in a cacoon
A delicate beauty on the inside
A mound of nothing on the outside
She beats her frustrated wings
Against her prison walls
She is trapped, unable to show her true self
The others break free,
She knows it in her heart
Like gazelles in the air, they fly
“Why can’t I?”

You need more punctuation. The last line is out of place and irrelevant. This stanza especially is weakly constructed.

The girl swings her clumsy hand
And knocks the paint to floor
The voices sigh and say “One day”
She raises her brittle head
Slowly and carefully, like a cat
Her piercing eyes meet mine
“When is that day?”

brittle head? You should change it. You didn't use the words my, I, mine, etc until the second to last line. Not a good idea. I hate the ending. It doesn't fit, isnt strong,etc.

This poem is about a girl with a disability. The words give us a picture of a fragile girl attempting to paint. People watch and encourage but it is simply impossible for her to break through the barriers of her disability. There are many examples of the use of metaphors; however the most important being the comparison with a butterfly. The girl is a butterfly in the sense that she is trapped in a body that cannot do what she wants it to do, as the beauty of a butterfly is trapped by a cacoon. There are also many examples of similes; “as fragile as porcelain”, “hands like claws”, “as pale as the winter snow” and “like gazelles in the air, they fly”.
The poem creates a mood of want and frustration. We read how the girl struggles. It is written in a somewhat intimate way, it is the girl’s deepest feelings. I would say there is also an air of reflection, in the sense that she is exploring and reflecting on her feelings.
The purpose is to give insight on what it would be like to live in a body with no control. The frustration and struggle for acceptance and independence. It is written both for people with needs and without, to help relate and understand.

Justa to end my rant on explanations. Your poem was one hundred fifty-nine words. Your ending explanation alone was two hundred nineteen words. Now, what is wrong with this picture? I undertsand that it was for class, but we aren't students in your English class. Our goal is to be able to read into poetry (some of us). You really don't need to post this kind of thing on this site. Nice explanation, but think about it. You tell us what it is about, which we should be able to determine. You tell us the mood. We should be able to get the mood from how you write. You tell us the purpose. In a poem, you should be striving to determine the purpose. Please don't tell us.

Unfortunaly, though I strongly dislike the explanation, you needed it. This poem got across flickers of meaning for me, but what meaning I found was killed by similies and going off topic. I like the topic, but you need emotion and more meaning.

Don't get me wrong. It was okay. If you want to learn, accept the criticsm, thank people for it, fix your work and learn. If notm hide from it, refuse to believe it, and write without meaning.

Nicole

i realise what you're trying to say. criticism is a good thing, but many views are one sided, just because you didn't agree with the punctuation, doesn't mean the writer is wrong. people are allowed to believe differently to another person. i put the explanation there because people seem to say "i don't get it" i was trying to help out. i believe the criticism here is suppose to be "constructive". i don't mean to sound aggressive, i grant you, Nickelpickel you have some strong views, i commend you for that. you gotta remember that you are speaking to people, i don't ask you to lie, merely find something anything and encourage a person rather than shut them down with how they really should be writing. i'd like to hear some of your feed back on another poem called :plea". it seems more the type of poetry you're into. Cheers!

Nikki, not nickelpickle. Please. I simply criticize as much as I would want to hear. I would be happy to look at your other poem

Alright, I'm not going to comment on your first part though I do agree with nickelpickle with the criticism part. On to the poem...

She sits at her chair,
As fragile as a porcelain doll
Her hands like claws
Her legs as pale as the winter snow

She stares at the paints before her
The brush, but a few paces away
Eyes upon her, wearing encouraging faces
Like she is a baby, taking her first steps
But the girl just stares
Her face a blank canvas

The first stanza was ok. I did like your simile of a porcelain doll. That was well placed. I do think you should add some description to the claws as nickelpickle said though. I don't think the leg simile was good. The second stanza was a little confusing, but I think I understood it. From what I understood, I really liked that stanza, but it could use some work to make it more understandable. I liked the last line relating it to the paints.

She is a butterfly in a cacoon
A delicate beauty on the inside
A mound of nothing on the outside
She beats her frustrated wings
Against her prison walls
She is trapped, unable to show her true self
The others break free,
She knows it in her heart
Like gazelles in the air, they fly
“Why can’t I?”

Your first three lines were pretty good, though they could use some work. I didn't like the part about her beating her wings, but I did like the prison walls. The 'trapped and unable to show her true self' was really weak. I didn't like that part. Perhaps, "Her dreams are imprisoned; her mind hopelessly enclosed" would be better there. "The others break free"? What in the world does that mean? The last two lines made no sense...

The girl swings her clumsy hand
And knocks the paint to floor
The voices sigh and say “One day”
She raises her brittle head
Slowly and carefully, like a cat
Her piercing eyes meet mine
“When is that day?”

I didn't like the part about her knocking the paints to the floor... a little weird if you ask me. Brittled head was weird as nickelpickle said. But I have to say that I loved your last two lines. A very pretty ending.

I understood the poem and don't think that your explanation is necessary. I understand this was a writing assignment, but I do not appreciate it when people have to explain their own poems. The whole point of poetry is to get a point through in the most efficient way. And you don't need an essay to get your point through. This was ok, though I didn't really like it. It needs more depth like the last 2 lines had. This has potential, but it definitely needs work.

I really liked this poem. Just a few little things - (sorry, I'm a perfectionist!)
- A couple of the similes are already used a lot. Don't get me wrong, they sound great and fit into the poem really well. "Fragile as a porcelain doll" is one example. But if you find another one that's just as good, and a little more original, that'd be great.
- "Eyes upon her, wearing encouraging faces". I know exactly what you mean, but this makes it sound like the eyes are wearing encouraging faces. Maybe you could change it to "Eyes upon her, encouraging faces".
- "A delicate beauty on the inside/A mound of nothing on the outside" I don't like the way you used "inside" and "outside" so close together. It seems a little awkward.
- I really liked the ending. I thought bringing another character into the poem really helped it. I especially like the last line. It basically sums up the whole poem.

much appreciated, guys