Young Writers Society

She opened her door,
Inviting him in,
Never really knowing,
He wasn't there to help.
He came in and smiled,
Looked around then sat down,
Turned on the TV,
Didn't say a word.
She watched from the doorway,
As he watched the screen.
She wondered why he'd come,
And when he would leave.
She had opened the door,
And invited him in,
So she could a find comfort,
Within a close friend.
But he ignored her presence,
Left her standing there,
She the bowed her head,
Not even he cared,
She went to her kitchen,
Then opened her cabinet,
Grabbed her bottle of pills,
She opened her mouth,
And took her life anyway.

I don't know really how to make sense of this poem. However, if you can, I'd be very happy. Thankyou.

hey im the 1st person 2 reply 2 this!

anyway i like it!

its strange when u say u cant make
sense of it cuz sumtimes that happens
2 me too! i thought it wuz just me...

i guess if i wuz havin 2 look at this in
english & say what it wuz bout then i'd
probably say sumthin about the girl
wantin a friend & when she thought she
had found 1, it turned out that he wasnt
interested in bein her friend at all...

(but i guess that much wuz obvious..)

try readin it aloud & maybe u mite be
able 2 improve the rythym a bit - it doesnt
need much, i think it just needs 2 flow more.

~KayJuran~

CarsandGuitars77 wrote:She went to her kitchen,
Then opened her cabinet,
Grabbed her bottle of pills,
She opened her mouth,
And took her life anyway.

I don't really get how the beginning led to this, but it is a really well written poem:) I may just be stupid or w/e by not understanding:-/

Psychoanalytically, this poem is a masterpiece. If Freud could get his hands on this he'd die. That's a backhanded compliment, by the way.

The poem was okay-ish. Not great, not bad, just mediocre. A recurring theme in your poems is suicide, though maybe not through actual death, as in this poem, but I remember one where a character climbed a mountain and then fell, and the audience, who once applauded his or her brave heroics, soon turned their backs on the crippled. Still, this wasn't bad or anything, not to my liking, but it wasn't bad.

Finally, as a harsh criticism, your poetry is dead. It has no life and no spurring egoism to bring your reader along with it. Faith once told me to use concrete images, and I think the advice is fitting for your situation. You describe situations, may be in the situations, but you fail to convey the feeling of the situation. Because (hopefully) you haven't tried to kill yourself, stay away from it. Write about going to junkyards right before dawn or standing in graveyards under a tree at noon (:wink:). Sometimes ghosts in our everyday life are more beautiful and easy to present than a feeling of helplessness.

That's another thing your poems are always not filled with, ghosts. I don't mean things that are undead or apparitions. I mean, a ghost is a transparent being that will shade whatever it is in front of. Perhaps it's time to put on some rose coloured glasses and observe the world.

Also, it seemed to have something going on with Dr. Seuss in some of the lines. Just the way the poem itself flowed seemed fanciful as opposed to grave.

Yet another midnight poem! I wrote this poem with simply and idea. I wasn't necessarily thinking about it or even noticing what I'm writing.
And Brad, I don't know if you noticed or not, but I'm starting to use more and
"concrete images." You're right. It really does help and it's making my poetry more colorful than ever. Thanks for the advice.

I thought it was interesting, I think I assumed it was a metaphor for a relationship because if it was straight story it was a bit too quick to be gripped. Though if it was a metaphor for a relationship and the door was heart that worked really well. The rhythm was off at points but was still pretty good, I didn't think it was dead.

The poem seemed very dull nothing to it, I'm sure it could have been wonderful and you have the right ideas but its just so repatative - and I know I can't talk ascwith my poerty I write abut the same thing but this really had no excitement no powerful words to shock the reader and barely and good imagry. I know that may sound harsh but it's the truth from my point of veiw I know you can do way better than this is was simley boring and unorginal.

wu

Yeah, i have to agree with Wulie and Brad. I've read some of your stuff, Chevy, and it usually has a lot more depth and meaning to it. This sounds kind of like you wrote it with your eyes closed, like you wrote it in three minutes. Not to be mean or anything, but this one just didn't seem to be doing anything for you.

Dr. Seuss commits suicide! hee