Young Writers Society

I wrote this poem at work, about work. (I'm working at a CompUSA)
language pg-13

Cutting Edge

Wireless, high-speed internet
Bluetooth, PDA, HP, PalmOne
plays mp3, wva, avi, and bmp
Windows Compatable!
check stocks, collect porn
All from a microchip that we
(for a small service fee)
will shove up your nose
It may sting a bit,
but what's pain
in exchange for being
on the Cutting Edge?
Only $$ 249.99 $$!!!
(After mail-in rebate)

Tee hee...you my HEEERO.

Okay...

By a piece of shit
that you don't need------> (I like this...but what add would HONESTLY start this way. It makes the sarcasm too obvious.)
wireless, high-speed internet
Bluetooth, PDA, HP, PalmOne
plays mp3, wva, avi, and bmp
Windows Compatable!
check stocks, collect porn
All from a microship that we----> (You mean microchip?)
(for a small service fee)
will shove up your nose
It may sing a bit,-------> (Sting?)
but what's pain
in exchange for being
on the Cutting Edge?
Only $$ 249.99 $$!!!
(After mail-in rebate)


I think it'd be cute if you added one of those tiny tiny tiny print footnotes, you know? Microsoft is not responsible for.....etc. etc. But it's up to you.

All right, all right, for my first critique...you shall be my victim!

Actually, I like it, which is odd. I usually start off with I ejoyed this but this could have been done better...but I'm not this time.

Cutting Edge

Buy a piece of shit
that you don't need

agree with gala, don't start off with this line, it doesn't quite fit with the rest of the piece

wireless, high-speed internet
Bluetooth, PDA, HP, PalmOne
plays mp3, wva, avi, and bmp
Windows Compatable!

Any particular reason you capatilize some lines and not others?

check stocks, collect porn
All from a microchip that we
(for a small service fee)
will shove up your nose

Nice about nose shoving there, not the other end, which is over done.

It may sting a bit,
but what's pain
in exchange for being
on the Cutting Edge?

Oh too true!

Only $$ 249.99 $$!!!
(After mail-in rebate)

All in all, lovely ending, but, once again Gala rox my sox, and I agree. Add an end thing about warning, or not responsible, some executive loophole and this will be perfect! Way to go!

Only $$ 249.99 $$!!!
(After mail-in rebate)

Tis the only part I really liked. The rest was interesting--it certainly kept me reading...but I'm just not so sure if I enjoyed it. I think the lack of a proper beginning is what got me, and what kept me reading--looking for a come back. However, I think if you add something before the first line, and explain what's actually going on, it'll be easier and more exciting to read. Other than that, you're confused and you mind's being played during the entire piece.

Hmm, yeah, I loved the ending and the rest really kept me reading but what was really the point to it? Although I liked it and it was really alive, some parts were just dumb.

Overall I liked it, and it seemed like a really, I mean REALLY fast part of a song. Yeah, it was pretty good.

I thought it was HILARIOUS...it's really cool! Very true to life...*lol* I enjoyed this. Keep it up! (K, I know that was lame...)

Fascinating topic. I am so on your side with this one. Great work.

It's not compatable; it's compatible. Change that.

Otherwise, I loved it. My dad got one of those PDAs and it was telling it the directions to our hotel on one of our trips. So what if he was fiddling with the PDA and driving 75 mph? Everything was under control, right?

*keffkeff*

Anyway, good job. The revisions you did helped greatly. Just fix that one spelling error and everything will be okay.