Young Writers Society

I wrote this poem when I was twelve and it's in Spanish, and I was practicing to rhyme.
The translation is on the "spoiler", I know it does not sound good, but remember I wrote it on Spanish first.


Oh, my God! This sure sounds ridiculous in English. *Sol covers her face*

Una noche de septiembre,
en el balcón estaba yo;
mirando la Luna a medias
sonriendo de dolor
Una estrellita fugaz
que por allí apareció,
en la palma de mi mano
parlanchina se posó.
…. y me dijo:
"La Luna sonríe triste,
porque una parte le falta:
la alegría de su amado
que ya ni le escribe cartas."
Confusa y desesperada
yo arrojé la estrella al mar;
donde se encontró un delfín
con quien pudo conversar.

"Hola ¿Qué tal?
Me enamoré de la Luna,
mas ella a mi ni me ve,
porque a mí la luz me falta
y jamás la enamoraré.
Ella aún no me conoce,
ni me ha de conocer
porque cuando el Sol llegue
rápido se irá a esconder."

...y la estrella le dijo...
"Amigo, yo te podré ayudar
si me pones en tu espalda
Ella te podrá apreciar."


Después de conocerse
y saber sus diferencias,
la Luna saltó en sus brazos
con una extraña inocencia.

El delfín cumplió su sueño;
y la Luna estaba llena.
La estrella se volvió al cielo
y allí escribió un poema.

Hi Solvery! I know this poem would only rhyme and flow well in Spanish, but do you mind translating it to English, too? I am okay at Spanish -- I know the poem is about a little star landing in your hand and speaking to you, and the moon is smiling sadly for some reason. You were confused and desperate, so you threw the star into the ocean, where it met a dolphin who has fallen in love with the moon. But you see, English being my first language, it would be practically impossible for me to critique your poem down to the finest descriptions. Hopefully, someone who knows Spanish as well as you do, or knows it as a first language, can read over this for you.

I'll say something in Spanish; tell me if it's correct:

Comprende espanol minimo. Mi idioma materna es ingles; por favor pardon todos errores de la grammatica. iHasta la vista!

Hello this is cardDragon, though I speak little Spanish, but the computer doesn't. It is a good poem but a bit confusing.
It says in ruff English translation:

One night in September,
I was on the balcony;
Half Moon watching
pain smile
A shooting star
that there appeared
in the palm of my hand
chatterbox settled.
.... and said
"The moon smiles sad
because a part is missing:
the joy of his beloved
that no longer writes letters. "
Confused and desperate
I threw the star of the sea;
where he found a dolphin
with whom he could talk.

"Hi How are you?
I fell in love with the Moon
but she to me or seen me
me because I lack the light
and never fall in love.
She still does not know me
nor do I have to know
because when the sun comes
fast it will go to hide. "

... And the star told ...
"Dude, I'll be able to help
if you put me on your back
She will appreciate you. "


After meeting
and know their differences,
Moon jumped in his arms
with a strange innocence.

The dolphin fulfilled his dream;
and the moon was full.
The star returned to heaven
and there he wrote a poem.

Lol cutee

Gracias, Liby!

Hey Solv,

Well, I can't really critique the English because that's not really the poem, and I can't speak Spanish so I can't help you much there. The reason I'm commenting is mainly just to say your poem sounds amazing in my head (I love the Spanish language) and limiting as the concept appears to be it still looks pretty cool written down. Nonetheless, I do have to say, poetry can be a universal language and I'm not sure this comes across brilliantly in English. Pablo Neruda's poetry is fabulous in both Spanish and English (perhaps courtesy of talented translators) and that's something to think about.

Firestarter wrote:Hey Solv,

Well, I can't really critique the English because that's not really the poem, and I can't speak Spanish so I can't help you much there. The reason I'm commenting is mainly just to say your poem sounds amazing in my head (I love the Spanish language) and limiting as the concept appears to be it still looks pretty cool written down. Nonetheless, I do have to say, poetry can be a universal language and I'm not sure this comes across brilliantly in English. Pablo Neruda's poetry is fabulous in both Spanish and English (perhaps courtesy of talented translators) and that's something to think about.

You're right, Jack! Thanks for the review!

Well it was good for a poem that you wrote back when you were twelve. Mine would've sucked back then. I like it a lot. Even if it might seem a little rough. But I wish I could've understood the spanish I really would like to learn spanish one day. Well anyway, (getting off topic here ) I think it's cute. I hope you post more stuff later I'd like to read it.
~Ladypurple

ladypurple wrote:Well it was good for a poem that you wrote back when you were twelve. Mine would've sucked back then. I like it a lot. Even if it might seem a little rough. But I wish I could've understood the spanish I really would like to learn spanish one day. Well anyway, (getting off topic here ) I think it's cute. I hope you post more stuff later I'd like to read it.
~Ladypurple

Aww... Thanks Lady!

It does sound kjinda funny in english... *giggles*

Actually, as for the English version, I've seen worse on the site that WEREN'T translated from Spanish. My (very) limited knowledge of Spanish helped to translate for the most part, but reading over the English first made me like the Spanish more because I didn't have to concentrate on the translation. The Spanish language is so beautiful though, and this is a cute poem that was very unique, sweet and innocent.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

StoryWeaver13 wrote:Actually, as for the English version, I've seen worse on the site that WEREN'T translated from Spanish. My (very) limited knowledge of Spanish helped to translate for the most part, but reading over the English first made me like the Spanish more because I didn't have to concentrate on the translation. The Spanish language is so beautiful though, and this is a cute poem that was very unique, sweet and innocent.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Thanks!

Although I don't speak Spanish (I'm taking my first course of it in the fall), and I'm sure it sounds lovely in the original version, I thought it sounded just fine in English. It sort of sounded like something from Greek mythology. It was very interesting and I look forward to reading more of your work!

Good job and keep writing!

Yes, thanks! But I don't consider this 'Greek mythology'... I made it more like a tale.

I think this poem is very cute, as it is sing-song like in spanish. I like the first stanza very much, but it might just be a personal peave of mine, the in text conversations. The last two stanzas are very good as well.
I think you should continue, as I believe can you write some profound spanish pieces. Bien trabajo!