Young Writers Society

Ground Zero
Dedicated to All Those Poor Souls Lost In The 9/11 Attacks

Tears falling
On broken stone
Smoke hanging
In the once-clean sky
People on knees
Corpses on strechers
Relentless sobbing
Over those not found
Shocked faces
Staring at T.V.'s
Photos flashing
Rubble in the streets
And eyes turned
To God
Wondering where
He had gone
To leave the U.S.
Sweaty hands
Joining together
In determination
To avenge lost souls
And cries of
"Remember 9/11"
Ringing in ears
Newly opened to hate
Remember 9/11

This purveys the sense of being original, but really it has all been said before. And, if you're going to write a poem, don't steal the lines from the Alamo.

"Remember the Alamo!"..."Remember 9/11"...It lacked all originality, and seeing as how I'm a Texan, I really find it cliched.

To be specific about the first paragraph, you're poem had some images, but they didn't convey to me anything I hadn't already seen on TV. Lines such as "Sweaty hands/Joining together/In determination/To avenge lost souls" is a nice image, but everybody knew what they were doing. It gives me an image, but not an emotion to go with the image.

Also, some of your lines aren't cogent. For example, "Wondering where/He had gone/To leave the U.S." doesn't make sense. You don't say, "I wonder where Bob had gone to leave the ranch." It doesn't even make sense. I understand what you mean to say, or what I think you meant to say, but only you can resolve incoherency in your poetry. Also, your syntax, it leaves me wanting something else. You don't use an exotic word in this thing or a word that brings emotions to the readers. If you want to write about tragedies, you have to do so so that it can relate to everyone. We all know how we felt on 9/11, and rehashing how the majority of Americans felt isn't going to get you high accolade. I suggest you heavily revise this, or at least consider changing some of the lines so they make more sense to future readers. Writing poems on entire events, when they're so controversial, is pointless. You're not going to reach your readers. You're looking for the point in tennis where you hit the ball in the "sweet spot." You want your readers to read your poetry and hear the clink of glass touching glass. This poem? Personally, I heard Mario on the radio.

Incandescence...you're usually way tougher than I am but now I have to agree with you...a lot of people have written poems like this about 9/11, so you have to really work hard at this to get it to be original. Otherwise, it sounds like it should be in a Hallmark greeting card. Stuffy and stereotypical. Hey, I don't mean to be mean, but you really need to go over this if you want your reader to stay tuned and not change the channel.

Smoke hanging
In the once-clean sky
People on knees

This part really caught me. I was...impressed. Very short and catchy. It was original and unlike other things I read about 9/11.

I have to say I agree with Incandescence and Sam here. No offense, but - well - there isnt anything there, you know? There is no emotion, or if there is its a false one. And no depth. It was like watching something on TV. I didnt feel anything, or even really see anything much. Having been inundated by this kind of stuff for months after 9/11 and again each year around that date, I find myself irked by the repetition of ideas that were already old a year ago. I admit that I do have the luxury of being far away from the US - but this poem only reinforced my objectivity. If you're writing about tragedy, you want your reader right in there with you, choking on the smoke...not half dozing in their chair, or looking out of the window.

It was okay. Well it didn't really call out to me. But maybe that is just who i am.

It was well done i must admit. I don't you really mean the stuff your saying, you know what i mean.

I'm not saying it's bad, it's just i didn't like it. But don't give up!

I have been told this dozens of times, but it lacks depth... It really was just stuff we have all heard before, which makes me have to agree with Incandescence, Sam and bubblewrapped. The topic has been used over and over (which everyone tells me as well) so there is not much more to say.