Young Writers Society

Cringing, gasping, I bleed.
choking, whispering, I drown,
Darkness is an illusion,
it fades away,
Daylight does not fade,
it bursts, blooms, springs,
laughing, singing, I smile.
I joyfully awaken.

Why hello there! This is a pretty good early attempt at poetry, though you've fallen into a few common pit falls. First, the grammar. Now some poems do capitalise every letter of every first line, but that's more commonly found in older poetry and is better suited to the formatted styles such as sonnets where it is very forgiveable. In modern poetry, however, you should punctuate almost as you would prose, only capitalising for extra affect. You also might want to use some enjambement which is where you end a line without a comma or fullstop. It's useful for dramatic effect but also just to give your reader a break from all that punctuation.

Here's a few more specific comments:

Title: I'm not sure that it's interesting enough and to be honest it's a little too obvious, a little too clear. Maybe 'Fatality' would generate more interest?

Cringing, gasping, I bleed, [Perhaps end with a full stop here? Or enjambement would reflect the flow of blood. Either way, choose your punctuation decisively.]
Choking, whispering, I drown, [Avoid using so many verbs, poetry is about the flow and this makes it a little stagnant. It's better to choose one really strong verb than two or three that are going to fight for your reader's attention.]
Darkness is an illusion,
It fades away,
Daylight does not fade, [Good, there's a nicely constructive movement through your poem. I like the flow from darkness to daylight.]
It bursts, blooms, springs,
Laughing, singing, I smile,
I joyfully awaken.

Overall, as I said, it's not bad. Your content would benefit from being more lively and some similes or metaphors would be nice but keep working on it, that's the best way to get better. Also, read a good variety of poetry and you'll soon pick up a few ideas on how they're put together and what different forms they can take.

I hope this helps you a little, and feel free to drop me a pm if you have any questions about this poem, or poetry in general. Good luck with the future writing!

Heather xxx

Hey there =] For a first attempt, this was pretty good and I think Kitty caught you on most of the mistakes that I found. The capitalization thing is a little bit of a preference, I think. But it definitely is old school. This poem was short, and to the point. Had it been a little bit longer, going more in depth, I think it would have been a lot better though, not that it wasn't good in the first place. So, overall, a descent first poem =]

It was really good bu a little to short I think that it could be much better if you added some more to it. Even though I thought that it was way to short I thought that it was very good an I think that you are a good writer keep writing

Hellooo!
As others have said, this is a really good first attempt at poetry, for it isn't really easy to write poems. This one is just a bit too short and just a tad confusing, but I like it nonetheless. Keep writing, though!! :3

Like the people before me, this is a great first try. Kitty caught all of the mistakes I caught, but I liked it all and all. Good job!

I agree, this was a very good first try!

Keep it up! I'd love to see more!

u thnk it's a good 1st try, but you could still use some wrk

That's awesome! i love this poem... because i started to read it and then i was thinking of how scary and gloomy it was. gradually it got more bright and i was releived. At first i was confused when it started to switch and then i realized that it was part of the feel of the peom so all in all i really liked it and i think it is great! the only thing i would change maybe is have the title capture the entire poem. right now it only shows the beginning half of it... so maybe something nuetral, or something that shows both happy and sad emotions.
thanks for reading!
Cammie

This poem has a beautiful image of rejuvenation I think; however, you should revise your use of punctuation and grammar. Exempt from those details, it's a nice idea.

d'awww this poem is niceee!! It starts all dark and then the sudden twist and it ends all happy! Love it! And I know I'm not being helpful at all right now but I just wanted to say that lol XD You are so going to win me lol XD