Young Writers Society

You’re Beautiful

You had me with,
two words, two words.
Empty words, sullen words,
simple, indulging, reckless words.
You owned me then,
as you own me now.
All control has waned.

Oh tireless words,
I fear that I, am not the same,
not today, as yesterday.
A candid sadness,
reaps what time sows,
as I was fooled.
I still am fooled.

Whispered false statements.
An empty kiss -
like starched, dried stems,
and silicon petals.
Pretty, harmless exuberance,
no substance at all.
All but a fake simplicity.

You’re beautiful, he said,
and I believed him

This poem is wonderful. Your choice of words is precise but it doesn't feel overworked. My favorite part of the poem was in the first stanza, where you said:

"You owned me then
As you own me now.
All control has waned."

Writing is about taking the reader somewhere, and that's what this poem did for me.

Holy crap........that was pretty fantastic. Your writing style is absolutely positively amazing. I loved how you kept repeating how the words and actions were empty and without real meaning, but sustained the narrator still. My favorite line was: "A candid sadness, reaps what time sows..." I cant even tell you why, but that line stuck me hard. Maybe it was just the wording :-p Also, the line you ended off with was fantastic too, a perfect ending to a great poem. This is a really great work! I cant wait to read more from you

Good poem! I liked the idea, most of the flow worked, the rythym went well. But me being the critic I am, I just have a few things to point out. Nothing major

You had me with,
two words, two words.
Empty words, sullen words,
simple, indulging, reckless words.
You owned me then,
as you own me now.
All control has waned.

This was my favourite verse. Just so you know, you don't have to have punctuation like commas and full stops at the end of the line. The pause is already there because it's the end of the line. Each line should start off with a capital letter. The rythym in here was really good.

Oh tireless words,
I fear that I, am not the same,
not today, as yesterday.
A candid sadness,
reaps what time sows,
as I was fooled.
I still am fooled.

I think the poem lost some rythym here. Maybe a few too many pauses made the rythym choppy and hard to follow. But great words here. Don't forget the capital letters

Whispered false statements.
An empty kiss -
like starched, dried stems,
and silicon petals.
Pretty, harmless exuberance,
no substance at all.
All but a fake simplicity.

I get what your saying here, great expressionism. The rythym picked up a bit.

You’re beautiful, he said,
and I believed him

Great ending. Very effective.

Just remember to keep the same technique in all the paragraphs. Like in the first paragraph all the lines fit together until the last one, it's like an odd one out. This I like, but make sure if you do that for the first paragraph, do it for all of them.

Hope this helped ^_^

Great idea! I love the flow of your poem and the strength in its simplicity. I love the shortness in your lines, allowing the readers to feel more through out the piece!
Love these lines!

A candid sadness,
reaps what time sows,

LOOOOOOOOOOVE IT!
My suggestion ( for maybe your next poem) is to play up your fake flower metaphor ;

An empty kiss -
like starched, dried stems,
and silicon petals.

I think you could make something incredible out of that! Keep up the amazing writing!

Hai! This is very nice. I don't actually have that many comments for you but as they say, every little helps so here you go:

You had me with,
two words, two words.
Empty words, sullen words,
simple, indulging, reckless words. [Okay so the first two lines are excellent but by line three it's too much. This is just a string of adjectives and the word 'words'. You need some imagery, something that your reader can picture. I'd suggest that after 'Empty words' you describe how they are empty instead and remove the next line entirely because that one's just not working for you.]
You owned me then,
as you own me now.
All control has waned. [These are good ideas you're working with but your lines cut off and you move on before you've fully explored each one. I like the theme of control and need to see more on it. How can words control? How can their very nature bind and stop a person?]

The second stanza is quite a bit weaker than the first. You need something more solid there.

Whispered false statements.
An empty kiss -
like starched, dried stems, [Really nice line.]
and silicon petals.
Pretty, harmless exuberance,
no substance at all.
All but a fake simplicity. [I'd love to see you work in more writing or word imagery. There's so much you could play with here, like counterfeit money or fake I.D.]

The ending is lovely in its simplicity and I really have enjoyed reading this. Feel free to drop me a pm if you've got any questions or would like another review. I think I shall have to keep an eye out for your poetry in the future,

Heather xxx

Hey

Lovely written. It touched my heart.
You should write more Romantic Poems

Now for the corrections:

#1:

You had me with,
two words, two words.

Why are you repeating "two words" two times. That's a minus to the poem.
How about this? Two words, most lovely ones
Makes it so much Romantic =)

#2:

Empty words, sullen words,
simple, indulging, reckless words.

Seriously, you got to stop repeating "words" every time.
And I think some places you've rhymed it. Like here.

Love, either it should be fully rhymed or not. Some places rhymed just makes it boring :/ and it's a minus :S

#3:

You owned me then,
as you own me now.
All control has waned.

the "owned me part". Think it this way. "You owned me then
and the now too"

You must feel the romance inside.

#4:

Oh tireless words,
I fear that I, am not the same,- It should be "I fear that, I am not the same.
not today, as yesterday.
A candid sadness,
reaps what time sows,
as I was fooled. - Repetition. "fooled".
I still am fooled.

#5:

Whispered false statements.
An empty kiss -
like starched, dried stems,
and silicon petals.
Pretty, harmless exuberance,
I love it from 'An empty kiss- to Pretty, harmless exuberance'. SO ROMANTIC!
no substance at all.
All but a fake simplicity.-Has mixed up the words well

#6:

You’re beautiful, he said, -Wrong statement. It's this way> "You're beautiful!", he said
and I believed him

Overall, I think you had mistake and a lot of repetition. You must avoid that.
Have fixed somethings there and here

Keep writing.
Giving this a 7/10.

Love and Cheers,
Cookie or LM.

Wow, this is a good poem. The flow and rhythm was good.
"Whispered false statements.
An empty kiss -
like starched, dried stems,
and silicon petals.
Pretty, harmless exuberance,
no substance at all.
All but a fake simplicity."
This one was the best. The imagery was good, as well as the references. In the end, a good read. Keep writing and best wishes.

This is beautiful Normally, I'm not one for romatic poems, but the title caught my eye and I HAD to read it. I love this.

This part was my favorite..

Whispered false statements.
An empty kiss -
like starched, dried stems,
and silicon petals.
Pretty, harmless exuberance,
no substance at all.
All but a fake simplicity.

It's really descriptive! Great job with this one. Gotta give you major props for thinking this up