Young Writers Society

##The portions in italics are lyrics from: Love the way you lie and not afraid by Eminem- Also, portions in inverted commas are the character talking to herself###
Black, Peppermint, ballet-flats;
white, couture, purse in hand;
the black skinny jeans,
the silver-grey tunic,
all seem to match in-
an odd puzzle still lasts.
Walking down an empty alley,
in L.A. she taps,
to the rhythm on her mind,
deep yet flat:
singing isn’t her talent
she knows that-
her headscarf hides
the earphones at the back-
an epitome of elegance
she’s been taught to be,
but is rap the true her?
She wonders as she repeats:
I'm not afraid- To take a stand- Everybody- come take my hand (come take my hand)
We'll walk this road together, through the storm-
Whatever weather, cold or warm-
Just lettin you know that, you're not alone.
Far from home,
she still believes
she’s not alone-
on her journey
‘Not far from home’
She repeats-
she knows delusions
are all she believes.

The life she’s left behind,
she’s happy is gone,
the confusion that overshadowed her there,
is no longer around.
Yes, it was all she’d had up until now,
but a new chapter begins-
she’s proud she got out.:

Cause I ain't playin around-
It's a game called circle and I don't know how,
I'm way too up to back down -
But I think I'm still tryin to figure this crap out.

Frustration that’s crashed,
agitation expounded-
the past still prevails, though
the open wound’s clotted-
‘Oh, it’s all so gone, so yesterday.
I have a new life now, starting today’

But yesterday still haunts her,
the paranoia’s still there,
and yesterday her heart screamt
the same lyrics as today:

And I just can't keep living this way -
So starting today,
I'm breaking out of this cage -
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons -
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground -
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up -
Time to put my life back together right now!

Fist clashing against her palm,
fury boiling somewhere down her heart,
‘Self-restraint’ she repeats again,
the lamppost beside her is what she imitates.
‘That ain’t so bad,
I’ll shine in on someone’
Isn’t that what she’s been doing? Covering up for them all,
‘Self-centered, self-serving, selfish lausers I knew,
why’d I flipping waste my breath trying to save you.
You blamed everything for me:
from your break up to your C.’
And she still played the mule
to carry her ‘friend’s’ misery.

‘Oh, it’s all so gone, so yesterday.
I have a new life now, starting today.’

‘It’s a beautiful night
and I’m on my way
to the better life
that’s waiting to commence:

lift the whole liquor counter up-
Cause I'm raising the bar -
I'd shoot for the moon but I'm too busy gazin at stars -
I feel amazing and I'm-
I’m not afraid-
To take a stand.

She’s always been there
to fight for the weak,
‘I never threw you under the bus,
Sharon why me?
Were we [b[ever[/b] really friends
to you, to start with?’

But she’ll repeat to herself,
‘Self-restraint’ –
that’s the way she’s lived life
up until today.:
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
-But that's alright because I like the way it hurts –
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry-
But that's alright…

‘God, I hate this Rihanna portion,’
and silently she wondered why.
She wanted to change the new song,
but she fast- forwarded in spite,
‘All that I believed as friends,
it hurts- was never real,
it’s sad people exist-
people so surreal.

And she’d still come back,
crying after her fights,
to me- to us
and we still cared for her sight:

You don't get another chance-
Life is no Nintendo game
‘I wish I would’ve told her that,
before she played her next game-
you made sure I never
went for him again,
you messed everything I ever wanted.
But I still believe you when you return with your tears.

I believe in true friendship
whether it exists or doesn’t:
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie,
I love the way you lie.

‘Oh, it’s all so gone, so yesterday.
I have a new life now, starting today.’
And saying that she pulls the luggage her way,
her dormitory looks good- she’s found her happy place.

Hmm.. interesting poem.

Black, Peppermint, ballet-flats;
white, couture, purse in hand;
the black skinny jeans,
the silver-grey tunic,
all seem to match in-
an odd puzzle still lasts.
Walking down an empty alley,
in L.A. she taps,
to the rhythm on her mind,
deep yet flat:

That part was the best. It was awesome.
The rest of the poem didn't really make much sense to me. There were some % signs mixed in there...
If you have time, please consider editing it ^^.
Anyhoo, I enjoyed the beginning very much, and hope to see more work from you!

It is by all means an interesting poem.
You successfully conjured up a very vivid picture for the readers.
Using the lyrics from a rap was a bold and risky move(according to me) but you pulled it off.

Maimoona wrote:Black, Peppermint, ballet-flats;
white, couture, purse in hand;
the black skinny jeans,
the silver-grey tunic,
all seem to match in-
an odd puzzle still lasts.
Walking down an empty alley,
in L.A. she taps,
to the rhythm on her mind,
deep yet flat:
singing isn’t her talent
she knows that-
her headscarf hides
the earphones at the back-
an epitome of elegance
she’s been taught to be,

Probably the best lines.
Many people have an issue, a big one at that, with describing the character, which happens to be the core in most cases. But here it was brilliantly done.

All in all, it's a nice poem. One, I'd love to read again when I have more time on my hands.

P.s : Consider this a quick reply. if time permits I'll come back and write a comprehensive review.

Hmm...I'm not sure I really get this. Well, I suppose I do get it, but maybe it just doesn't appeal to me. Do you care explaining your use of someone else's lyrics? I don't really see the need to do it. I understand why you did, but I don't think it was worth it, in all honesty. Because I know those lyrics, and I know the rhythm of those lyrics, and they don't match with the parts you've written.

So the main character is listening to Eminem? And she is an aspiring rapper? Well, I think your approach to that idea is a little heavy-handed. Maybe try for some subtlety? I don't really like it when poems are overly-obvious.

'God, I hate this Rihanna portion,’
and silently she wondered why.

This isn't working for me. It's too...current, I suppose. I think one of the worst mistakes you can make when writing poetry is to make it too current. Bringing in real people--famous people, specifically--is a big no-no for me. Because then you immediately lose the timelessness that poetry commonly has. If you think about it, how relevant is Rihanna going to be in 10 years? 50? 100? I understand that it's just a poem, and I'm making it sound like such a huge deal, but...I don't know. It's just a weird reference for me. xD

As for the overall poem, I don't think it's very cohesive. "/ It seems sort of scatterbrained to me, in the sense that the rhythm is choppy and the are almost always slant rhymes, and only a few of them truly rhyme. If you're looking to improve this, I would start by removing the lyrics. Make this poem yours, so to speak. Also, try and focus on one rhythm and stick to it. Be conscious of how your poem flows from one stanza to the next. For me, I've found the best way to do this is to read the poem outloud, and any parts that sound odd to you can be fixed.

Good luck! Shoot me a PM if you have any questions. =)