Young Writers Society

I've had a bad day
Had something to do with school
I thought I had a best friend
But instead I was his tool

My dad asks to see me,
He corners me in his room.
I ask him to leave me alone
But he insists to cover me in gloom

He says it is important
He says I need to know
I feel yelling at him
But I won't let it show.

He tells me I'm adopted
I tell him its a lie
I know he has baby pictures
So I make that my alibi

He decides to finally leave
And now I want to know
Who is my true mum?
But I won't let it show.

I do my Internet research
But the records are destroyed
Did she hate me so much
She disposed of any evidence employed?

I hear myself gasp
Then I start to cry
I want myself to stop
But I fail on all my tries

I decide to go to the park
That I remember best
I hope that I'll remember her
Maybe then I could rest

But the park gives me memories
Of a wooden case
And then I gasp again
Then memories I try to erase

I run back home to my worried dad
Who tells me my last name was Blacking
I go to Greenwich graves
Wishfully thinking he is lying

But then I see her tombstone
Mrs Jenny Rose Blacking
I feel terrible inside
I know the grave is lying

I feel like yelling out
And now I want to know
Did she ever love me?
But I won't let it show

Ever

This is good! It's simple and to-the-point, but it still has the full emotion and meaning of a more complex poem. The rhymes are great, like perfect. The syllabic balance is a little bit off, with some lines being a lot longer than others, so you might want to try to balance it out. Also, poems can always be improved with similes and metaphors and other figurative language, so if you maybe want to describe your feelings in a more creative way, compare them to a dark cloud or fire or something like that. But it's already pretty good. Anyway, good job, and I hope my review helps.

This poem is nice; the dennotation is very clear that we completely understand what you're trying to say, and the simplicity of your construction makes the feeling a little bit enticing as we read the stanza up to the last. If would be better if you add some simile and metaphor to create a sensational feeling that you couldn't imagine of. I know it's hard to understand but from what I've experienced, poem is more on expression, putting in a delightful words. Since this poem is more on expression, adding imagery words would fit in this scene. But it's all up to you if you want to heed our suggestions or place them in consideration.

I quite like this. I think the repetition you use in places is very effective, though I think the "ever" at the end sounds a bit out of place. Maybe you could say "I'll never let it show" instead, or something like that so you say the same thing without the extra line. I'm not sure about the rhyming, though. It sounds a little forced in places, so maybe you could try a different rhyming pattern, or try it without rhyming at all and see which is best. Also have a little look at the length of your lines, as in one or two places there are some lines that are a bit longer than the rest so it interrupts the flow a bit. These are technicalities really, I think the poem just needs a bit of cleaning up - it's a great concept with a lot of emotion, so well done.

Do you want to make me cry or what??!!!
I loved it!!

Deanie wrote:I hear myself gasp
Then I start to cry
I want myself to stop
But I fail on all my tries

Don't you think you should write this like "(...) But I fail every time I try"?
I don't know if it makes sense. But since there's a good rhyme in every stanza maybe you should try to do it to with the words cry and try...
Again, I don't know if it makes sense, it's just an idea.
I wish I could help more, but your poem sounds so good there's nothing much I could do....
Congratulations

Deanie,

Great poem. There are some real strong emotions here, and rhyming to boot, that's no easy feat. This is enjoyable despite the lack of metaphor or figurative language - I mean, all of that stuff can strengthen this, and I'll recommend your experimenting with metaphor and non-rhyme for any future poems that you do. But what you've got here is straightforward, lyrical, and narrative. So, why be complicated, if it works for this piece? But as they say, there's always room for improvement. Let's polish it up a bit, eh?

With lyrical sounding poems, not only do you have to worry about the rhyme, but also the meter. The pulse, if you will. You have an instinctual grasp of meter; I can read this aloud and I know it's there, as though it came to you naturally. That is the strength of this piece, the words seem to flow together naturally. This makes this a great "raw" poem. The next step then is to brush it up. If you read this out loud and if at any place you find yourself stumbling, or there is a "wrinkle" in the flow, then it probably needs a fix in the meter. The best way to do this would be to count your syllables. I'll show you using the first stanza:

I've had a bad day (5)
Had something to do with school (7)
I thought I had a best friend (7)
But instead I was his tool (7)

See how nicely the last three lines match up? You only need to add something to that first line. You can try replacing "bad" with an alternative such as "horrible" or "terrible". Even "awful" or "painful". If you read it out loud now, it should flow better

Now, I'm by no means saying that you should always use this method, or that all your lines have to have the same amount of syllables. This is simply one method to use to help you see your poem better and know where the problem spots are so you can polish it up ^_^

If we look at the second stanza:

My dad asks to see me, (6)
He corners me in his room. (7)
I ask him to leave me alone (8)
But he insists to cover me in gloom (10)

Now, if you read this stanza aloud - you'll notice the last line is just a bit off, right? That's because there's a gap in syllables between the lines. Well if you look at the syllables, you'll notice that each line has a gap of 1 syllable?

What you're doing is creating movement between the lines. There is a flow. But it's more than that too, you're actually adding tension to the piece. Kind of like when you hear a piece of music and each note is one step higher than the next - this method, as well as keeping the narration in present tense, naturally creates tension. Of course, the reader isn't counting syllables or noting that any of this is happening. The sounds alone do this and it's very natural.

To fix the gap of that last line, you can try replacing "insist" with "wants" just as a suggestion. By no means is it a very good suggestion xD My creative bubble has popped as of yesterday, so I'm of no use to you there. I'm sure you can come up with something though. A thesaurus is such a handy thing.

He says it is important
He says I need to know
I feel like yelling at him
But I won't let it show.

He tells me I'm adopted
I tell him it's a lie
I know he has baby pictures
So I make that my alibi

The repetition of "but I won't let it show" in the next stanza is absolutely great It really reveals part of your speaker's character as well as some real human emotion here, which makes this poem relatable. We have all tried to repress our true feelings. I would've liked more of this repetition throughout this piece. I know you also have the responsibility of keeping it in rhyme, but there can always be alternatives to that line.

For example here...

I hear myself gasp
Then I start to cry
I want myself to stop
But I fail on all my tries

Tries is actually off-rhyme. You've kept the rhyming up pretty strict until this point, which is commendable. When a poet breaks their rhyme though - the moment of the break has to be significant. Again, like a piece of music - breaking the rhyme is like when you hear disonance. It's meant to shock the audience. Kind of like a "surprise"! This off-rhyme is not quite shocking, because it kind of rhymes - and I feel like you've tried to rhyme, but were restricted with the grammar of the piece. Well, I say just scrap the line in general.

Try to bring back that self-denial/repression that you've been implementing every other stanza. Maybe: "But I no longer can deny" Or, "I'm afraid to wonder why"

I decide to go to the park
That I remember best
I hope that I'll remember her
Maybe then I could rest

But the park gives me memories
Of a wooden case
And then I gasp again
Then memories I try to erase

I would scrap this part here. Not saying it's bad, but it doesn't contribute to the poem overall. You don't want the poem to sound angsty.

I run back home to my worried dad
Who tells me reveals my last name, was Blacking
I go to Greenwich graves
Wishfully thinking he is lying

I feel like yelling out
And now I want to know
Did she ever love me?
But I won't ever let it show

Ever

Does this sound better? The last line is emphasized and will still be powerful without resorting to the hanging "ever", which is trite. The power comes from the rhyme, so if you're going to do rhyme, don't break rhyme!

Well, I hope my edits have helped. If you have any questions just let me know. Also, keep writing, you're a natural at it and I would love to see the progression of your work.

~ As always, Audy

This is a really great poem. You put a lot of emotion in it. And I could feel that too. It's always a wonderful feeling when you are touched by someone elses work. You did a really great job.

Hey, Deanie!

This is clearly one of my favourite poems by you. You've employed so much into this that it makes this such an interesting read. I know you've already got so many great reviews about this piece but I couldn't just leave this piece by itself. It's far too good for me to leave it like this. I'll try my hand at reviewing this piece as well! *folds up sleeves*

I've had a bad day
Had something to do with school Maybe removing the 'had' here would make this flow easily.
I thought I had a best friend
But instead I was his tool In the last two lines of this stanza, I really wished you could have digressed further into the friend and how he broke your heart. But still, this gives reason enough to make me feel that the persona had already gone through enough to face the coming events.

My dad asks to see me,
He corners me in his room.
I ask him to leave me alone
But he insists to cover me in gloom This line was a tad longer than it should have been. The rest of the stanza was very nice

He says it is important
He says I need to know
I feel yelling at him
But I won't let it show. Very well executed

He tells me I'm adopted
I tell him its a lie
I know he has baby pictures
So I make that my alibi A little bit squeaky, but still smooth

He decides to finally leave I like the way you've made the Dad as a sort of antagonist. He's told her the truth and now walks away coldly.
And now I want to know
Who is my true mum?
But I won't let it show.

I do my Internet research
But the records are destroyed
Did she hate me so much
She disposed of any evidence employed? Again, this last line seems a bit off, like it needs some air to breath.

I hear myself gasp
Then I start to cry
I want myself to stop
But I fail on all my tries The very subtle rhyme work is great and I feel the connection to the persona quite well

I decide to go to the park here,
That I remember best
I hope that I'll remember her
Maybe then I could rest Emotional!

But the park gives me memories
Of a wooden case
And then I gasp again
Then memories I try to erase My favourite stanza <3

I run back home to my worried dad
Who tells me my last name was Blacking You're being too direct here and thus the poetic form becomes lost. Try using elliptical sentences
I go to Greenwich graves
Wishfully thinking he is lying

But then I see her tombstone
Mrs Jenny Rose Blacking
I feel terrible inside Maybe you could have used a stronger feeling. 'Terrible' doesn't really properly symbolize the anguish. Maybe you could add a few lines more to show how sad the persona was. I can imagine her feeling quite broken and shattered by the discovery.
I know the grave is lying

I feel like yelling out
And now I want to know
Did she ever love me?
But I won't let it show

Ever For me this last single word creates a really dramatic effect. But also, I feel that it sounds incomplete. Maybe it's just me but I think that this encapsulates the constant silence that the persona is in and that she bears all that that comes at her. Hence, 'ever' seems quite appropriate

I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. It's raw and really brings about the instant feeling that one would get in a situation such as this. You're quite talented, Deanie. And I know you're growing to be a wonderful writer. Great job! And keep the ink flowing always.

Murtuza

Okay, I want to know if this is real, because I myself am adoptid and I know how you feel, overall this is great