Sweet, Fractured Night.

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Points: 444
Reviews: 120

Fri Sep 16, 2011 6:19 pm

Emmzziee says...

Spoiler! :

Something evil
in the corner,
And it's leering
At my terror -
Always watching,
and it's judging.
Waiting?

Hello, hello,
Remember me?
I watch this figure,
and agree.

"Have a nightmare, darling sister.
Think of me for ever."

*** ***** ************* ** ********** ******** ************

He bellows
Down my ears;
"Can you hear me
through your tears?"

** ************* ****** **** *** *********** ****** ***

One night,
The lights went out.
I screamed, " Go! Out!"
I woke up sweating,
Ever sobbing,
"Help me, stop me, save me, leave me!"

Say 'sleep tight,'
And don't be afraid.
Don't keep calling
And calling him.
He won't be back.

Tonight.

I will end my life tonight
If I do not sleep on this
Sweet, fractured night.

Fear the dark.

Don't trust the one who saves you.
Don't leave without saving yourself.

Last edited by Emmzziee on Fri Sep 16, 2011 7:06 pm, edited 6 times in total.

I want to play a game.

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Points: 1696
Reviews: 38

Fri Sep 16, 2011 6:34 pm

arspoetica says...

That was a very eery, but amazing poem at the same time! I only have one possible recommendation for something to change.

Say 'sleep tight,'
And don't be afraid.
Don't keep
Calling, and calling him.

I feel that maybe moving the first "Calling" up to the third line balances out the syllable a little, but thats my preference.

Besides that, you have one heck of a poem here. You have some very strong and emotional imagery, and your diction was pretty much picture perfect for this poem. Very well done!

Keep writing
arspoetica

Insanity is the spark creativity.

Gender:

Points: 1696
Reviews: 38

Fri Sep 16, 2011 7:04 pm

arspoetica says...

Well since you've made changes, i guess it's time for a re-review.

He bellows
Leers
Down my ears;
"Can you hear me
through your tears?"

I really like this stanza, but there is one little thing you should think about. You used "leer" for the second time, which is not bad, but it also isn't good. It goes really nicely with the rhyme scheme you have here, which means it would be hard to change. You don't have to change it, but think about it.

He won't be back.

I'm pretty sure you added this, and I'm very glad that you did.

Don't trust the one who saves you.
Don't leave without saving yourself.

This is definitely one of the most powerful closing couplets i've ever read, a very nice touch.

You did a really nice job editing this poem, so two thumbs up to you!!

Keep writing
arspoetica

Insanity is the spark creativity.

Gender:

Points: 3589
Reviews: 70

Fri Oct 07, 2011 10:24 pm

Shadowhunter14 says...

Wow! Awesome poem! Very eerie, but very beautiful. Gripped me right from the start! Loved the title too, dark and enticing.

Something evil
in the corner, maybe omit this comma here
and it's leering
At my terror -
Always watching,
~~and it's~~ judging. maybe change "and it's" to "always" like in the previous line.
Waiting?

Strong start, well done!

Hello, hello,
Remember me?
I watch this figure,
and agree.

I really liked the start of this stanza. Reminds me of Evanescence's new song "What you want" (I think the chorus starts with "hello, hello...") However I'm not quite sure what the "agree" part means - what are you agreeing with?

"Have a nightmare, darling sister.
Think of me for ever."

Ooh, so creepy! I'm not sure but I always thought "for ever" was "forever" (one word.) It doesn't really matter, just a point of interest.

He bellows
Down my ears;
"Can you hear me
through your tears?"

Nice use of rhyme here, felt very natural.

One night,
The lights went out.
I screamed, " Go! Out!"
I woke up sweating,
Ever sobbing,
"Help me, stop me, save me, leave me!"

Say 'sleep tight,'
And don't be afraid.
Don't keep calling
And calling him.
He won't be back.

Tonight.

I liked both of these stanzas. Just a note; you don't need to start each new line with a capital letter, particularly if it continues on from another line, like "Don't keep calling/And calling him" - you could use a lower-case "a" for "and calling him". It just gives it a slightly better sense of flow and the reader doesn't sort of stop each time they read a new line.

I will end my life tonight
If I do not sleep on this
Sweet, fractured night.

Fear the dark.

Don't trust the one who saves you.
Don't leave without saving yourself.

Again, nice, effective use of rhyme in the first stanza of this bit. And the last two lines are fantastic - don't change them. They're chilling and leave the reader hanging for more.

I really enjoyed this poem! Well done, this is awesome - good use of language and a great atmosphere. Keep wriitng!

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Points: 1422
Reviews: 42

Sat Oct 08, 2011 7:10 pm

alabasterwolveness says...

Well Hey!

Well I have to say this didnt flow together at all. The words where just out there, they had no meaning to one another nor to the subject of the story.

Emmzziee wrote:

Spoiler! :

Mmmmm... So I'm definitely not 100% on this. But it is kind of personal to me...
I'd really appreciate reviews.
And... um, if you like it, like it :3 Thank youuuu!

Something evil
in the corner,
And it's leering Here is a flow that doesnt make sense to one another. Mind changing?
At my terror -
Always watching,
and it's judging.
~~Waiting?~~ This doesnt tie into the poem at all...

Hello, hello,
Remember me?
I watch this figure,
and agree. What do you agree with? What is this supposed to mean?

"Have a nightmare, darling sister.
Think of me for ever."

*** ***** ************* ** ********** ******** ************ Why are these here?

He bellows
~~Down~~ Into my ears;
"Can you hear me
through your tears?"

** ************* ****** **** *** *********** ****** *** again...?

One night,
The lights went out.
I screamed, " Go! Out!" This doesnt make any sense in the flow, the subject is changing alot through here...
I woke up sweating,
Ever sobbing, This doesnt belong at all.
"Help me, stop me, save me, leave me!"

Say 'sleep tight,'
And don't be afraid.
Don't keep calling
And calling him.
He won't be back.

Tonight.

I will end my life tonight
If I do not sleep on this
Sweet, fractured night.

Fear the dark.

Don't trust the one who saves you.
Don't leave without saving yourself This doesnt have anything to do with all the other things that you had in the poem... At all! .

well, you have a few differences in this poem.
[list=]1. Subject keeps changing
2. the words need to change
3. the flow could be alot better. [/list]

Alright, please dont take any offense I dont mean to be mean and critical. Im just a story writer and I can see different things others dont. If you dont like my changes please dont take them then. Im not a poet at all so please dont be mad at me...
If you need to talk over it message me by all means and email me as well if you need to talk about it.

~ Randi (alabaster)

~Lady Death~

Down in the dark, alone at night. Bleeding and Torn... Broken in the light

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Points: 771
Reviews: 12

Sun Oct 09, 2011 5:32 pm

callenlover says...

very dark and emotional poem but it gets your mind acroos quite ckearky and very rarely do i enjoy reading dark poems, okay i don't enjoy the terror but a guess a better word or phrase as i shoulld say is once i started reading your poem i couldn't stop and that is a trait of a wondeful poet espically for someone so young but it helps when you user persoanl expericences like you did then trying to make up a happy and fluffy poem, in my opinon heartfelt is easier then trying to sugarcoat something

accept people for who they are and even more so for who they're not

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Sweet, Fractured Night.

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