Young Writers Society

Red yellow strokes spread all across the sky,

Strong breeze whistled in the vast field of wheat and rye.

The moring rays of light sizzling bright,

Early birds with a call take flight.

Greenest grass moist with dew,

Fishes in the ponds surface in search of food new.

A deep breath in the finest weather,

Holding hands they jump together.



"Careful Lily!', Jim said

Hurrying aroung the steps steadily.

In the distant fields a cherry blossom spreads wide,

To its strongest branch a swing tied.

"Push me higher Jim, higher!"

"Oh please do!next time i'll be the maid and you the sire"

With a grin of satisfaction on his face,

She flew high up her hair waving back in grace.



Dawn mingled with their laughter,

Poor innocent souls of eight.

When it seemed Lily almost reached the sky,

Jim held his breath in fear for her and sad with a cry.

"Lily now come down!dont you remember we have to go to the town?"

"but i wish to meet the sky!"

"well then,i wont push you up any high!"

"but your my best friend jim!'

"i will be only if you will come along for a swim"



Years passed by, days unknown,

Their lives's up and downs, fixed and torn.

Both fighting oblivion,

A war they almost won.



A bright morning day,

Everything looked so very gay.

Yet even this beauty was missing something,

Today everything felt empty and nothing.

Lily stood tall and slender in the field,

To her emotions did she yield.

"jim i'll be the maid and you can be the sire"

"but please come back, i dont want to go any higher."



Friends over time they were,

For each other they immensley cared.

But lose and tears make part of life,

Your only strength sweetest memories left

I have read some not-so-great poetry today.

This was refreshing, you do well to evoke a clear image in the first stanza and you carry it with you for a good portion of this. There was, however, draw backs. This poem suffers at the hands of a condition I have noticed emerging with most young poets. For some strange reason, people are trying to make every line rhyme. I think you can do away with this, it is rather juvenile and it costs you dearly in this piece. There are also lines that really bother me, that stopped me mid sentence and made me ask "Why am I reading this?"

Everything looked so very gay.

This is a case where you wanted to force in that rhyme. It perhaps wouldn't be so bad if you removed the 'very.' But consider what you are trying to say? does this line help say it? or is it filler? Stop writing poems that rhyme until you are strong enough to write [i]great[i] poems that don't rhyme. Like I said, the strength of this piece is in the first stanza, but you need to carry that through out the entire piece. It's almost like you got lazy towards the end and just begin mashing lines in to get us to the conclusion, which came about a little dry after all that fluff.

Anyway, hope this helps and I hope I wasn't too harsh.

JP

Red yellow strokes spread all across the sky,Strong breeze whistled in the vast field of wheat and rye.The moring rays of light sizzling bright,Early birds with a call take flight.Greenest grass moist with dew,Fishes in the ponds surface in search of food new.A deep breath in the finest weather,Holding hands they jump together."Careful Lily!', Jim saidHurrying aroung the steps steadily.In the distant fields a cherry blossom spreads wide,To its strongest branch a swing tied."Push me higher Jim, higher!""Oh please do!next time i'll be the maid and you the sire"With a grin of satisfaction on his face,She flew high up her hair waving back in grace.Dawn mingled with their laughter,Poor innocent souls of eight.When it seemed Lily almost reached the sky, Jim held his breath in fear for her and sad with a cry."Lily now come down!dont you remember we have to go to the town?""but i wish to meet the sky!""well then,i wont push you up any high!""but your my best friend jim!'"i will be only if you will come along for a swim"Years passed by, days unknown,Their lives's up and downs, fixed and torn.Both fighting oblivion,A war they almost won.A bright morning day,Everything looked so very gay.Yet even this beauty was missing something,Today everything felt empty and nothing.Lily stood tall and slender in the field,To her emotions did she yield."jim i'll be the maid and you can be the sire""but please come back, i dont want to go any higher."Friends over time they were,For each other they immensley cared.But lose and tears make part of life,Your only strength sweetest memories left

Well done! However I did think it didn't flow as well a other lines. The rhythm and rhyming didn't go very well but it was still a nice read!

I thought it was a good read but i didn't quite understand the poem and what it was about. You did well in the first stanza, which had a good flow to it but as soon as I read the second one you lost me. I think that you should maybe look at your poem and try to find a way to let your viewers know what you want them to know through your poetry. Other than that you did a wonderful job