Young Writers Society

I watch a man and woman walk by
They are ageless and I see love in their eyes
But their bodies are withered, too old for love
I look at my figure, so lean and so young
Men stop and stare, women full of jealousy
This woman is old, she’ll die a broken body
People will compare her through the years
While they turn to me with compliments
I let my blood run cold,
So forever asleep a beauty I shall be
Dead in the ground
Won’t you come lie with me?

This is a very chilling poem, but I was bothered by the flow. The beats in each line was constantly changing as I read, and it was very choppy. It seemed as if you were trying too hard to rhyme. Maybe you should try less to force the rhyming in and just let it happen naturally. However this is a very good idea, and it's very unique, so thanks for that!

Hey there Nightlyowl,

For something you came up with now, its not bad! Though it did leave me in some confusion...
It starts off well, where you mention they are ageless, but then in the third line you say they
are "Too old for love". I think you can see the contradiction here. I'm also not sure
anyone can be "Too old for love", seeing as love is something eternal, because, believe or not,
old people can love too! Haha.

Towards the end of the poem, you say you are dead in the ground. So I'm guessing this is written
from the point of view from someone who is buried and longing to love? I don't mind this concept,
though I think this needs to be made clear from the start. You need to make your intentions clear
from the beginning, this'll give your poem direction so the reader isn't totally lost or left confused.

Hope I've helped! Please let me know if you have questions or comments.

Miyakko.

Nightlyowl.

I come bearing a review. Seeing as this is a fairly short poem though, I'll attempt to be as thorough as I can in dissecting it.

I suppose I'll start with my overall impression. I can appreciate where you're coming from if anything. You were putting to light through the voice of the speaker the fact that youth hopes to never age, thus immature yet wishful thinking was the spotlight. Though the thought is deep, I don't feel you gave it as much justice as I would have liked to have seen. You were very simple and to the point. Too to the point I feel. There was not enough room to really take in your words. To inhale them and really grasp onto the essence of what you were trying to portray.

There was disruption in the very center of this I think. The flow became nonexistent and I was rather disappointed in the fact I must say. Seeing as this is already so short, you don't want there to be any little flaws like this in your poetry, for it'll be most distinct in the eyes of your readers. I feel that the very center line of this all was where it showed most weak.

This can never happen to me,

You're too blunt and up front about it. But the fact of the matter is, I think I could sense well enough on my own that this was what you were getting at in your poem. The meaning of what you're saying doesn't have to be outright said like this. Try to be a little less forced about it and let this simple fact flow out in some creatively suggestive way rather than simply saying it. I can guarantee you it'll come off far more interesting.

Now the end of the poem is what I found most chilling in particular. The message of one thinking they'd rather die young than live to see old age. It's so outright plain and clear that the speaker knows not of the true meaning toward living. Perhaps that's what you were getting at. Perhaps it's not. But from how I read it, this is simply what I gathered. It's important that you think about the little things like how the message comes across as well. An audience tends to lean toward being highly opinionated, so I think that this can be a highly controversial outlook on the subject. For this very reason I think is why I found this interesting. Perhaps not so much for the manner in which it was written however. That's where my appeal for the poem lacks. I wish you might've been a bit more ginger with your words. Paint a deeper picture.

Overall though, I suppose that's about all I have to say for myself. I hope this at least gave you some sort of decent perspective on the matter of your poem. As always I hope nothing I've said may have come off in a harsh manner. I really think you could have something special with this if you decided to try and build off of it. Chew on the idea I suppose. ;]

-Smylin'