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Young Writers Society


Rainbow



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11 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1221
Reviews: 11
Mon Oct 03, 2011 10:30 pm
Fiyero says...



Rainbow

I carry my palette, paint of all shades,
Tints galore lie in puddles arrayed.
I dip in my brush and carefully swirl,
Lift it up, out, and on canvas twirl.

Red splashes out, painting the art,
Of sharing and caring, and also of heart.
Then, possessed, twitches across,
Blood and war as on stone embossed.

Wash out the stains, of battle, of sword,
Running out fast, 'til all that is stored,
Left in the brush, steadfast and true,
Is scarlet passion, stuck on like glue.

To make up for color, stuck on so tight,
I mix in some yellow to make it just right.
Orange is made, swift and quick,
The brush comes out, a painted stick.

Slapped on the canvas, it reminds me,
Of the leaves transformed on a tree,
When in comes autumn, and I'm transfixed,
By them cascading, 'til leaves and dirt mix.

The paint follows suit, falling right off,
And I stand watching, wanting to scoff.
Why couldn't passion have come off like this?
Does hope not stand strong, as strong as bliss?

Continuing on, to yellow I return,
Happy-go-lucky, without a concern.
Across the page splatters, some here, some there,
And a substantial amount ends up in my hair.

All over my room, the color, it went,
I knew immediately the time to be spent,
Cleaning up this ecstatic tint,
And the remainder of its sudden sprint.

Sighing, I waited, to see what was next,
Wondering what thoughts my canvas complex,
Will bring out of the people who carefully view,
My work, though they will have not a clue.

Carefully blending blue with the yellow,
I had created a hue much more mellow.
Waiting to see the explosion, my strife,
I look at what happens, the start of new life.

Orange leaves return to their pure summer shade,
And the canvas from death into living is made,
The vibrancy shows throughout all of my art,
And all of the logic here seems to depart.

Staring in awe at my impossible creation,
My head is filled only with strongest frustration.
My project I never shall ever complete,
For its as if my paint were quite obsolete.

Everybody else got paint that remained,
Stuck on the canvas, permanently stained.
I get stuck with various hues that love,
To grow on the page, and fall from above.

Dipping in water, the brush is then cleansed,
Leaves and twigs to the ground descend.
Proceeding, I fill it with blue, so pure,
Mysterious like the ocean, very obscure.

Constantly dripping, water falls down,
While I struggle to paint all around.
Relieved that this had not been the worst,
I mixed in some purple, and remained alert.

The indigo, colored like a twilight sky,
Contrasted well with the hues nearby.
Shy and reserved, it filled up the space,
Though unnoticed through its quiet embrace.

Quickly returning to the near empty palette,
I place the brush into the last on my ballot.
Violet is spread on the canvas with care,
And seeps into unfilled crevices there.

Seeing that my work was now complete,
I set down my tools and stared at the sheet.
Awed at what I had just now begot,
I laughed at the rainbow made without thought.



Please do review and critique this. I want to know what I should work on in my poetry. Thanks!
Last edited by Fiyero on Fri Oct 07, 2011 5:12 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx


That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
- Whitney Brown
  





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Mon Oct 03, 2011 10:58 pm
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Cailey says...



Wow, this was really good. I liked how you made all the colors fit into life and all. If that makes sense. At first I thought your tone was too lighthearted and playful. It was really sing-song and childish. But, when I kept reading I liked it. I thought it fit well with the idea of painting and raindbows. However, if you wanted this to sound thoughtful and serious it didn't quite work. the rhyming had a lot to do with the feel of it. And, where some people don't like rhyming poetry, I do. I love the touch that was added by using rhymes.
As for grammar and spelling and typos, I did not find anything. Don't trust me completely, but as far as I know you're good.
Overall, congratulations, I could feel the rainbow, see the colors and knew what you were saying about each separate color abd what they mean. Nicely done. :D
A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. -Kafka

Look: A Link! https://caijobetweenthepages.wordpress.com/
  





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11 Reviews



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Reviews: 11
Mon Oct 03, 2011 11:38 pm
Fiyero says...



No, you gathered the mood perfectly! I had just wanted it to be playful, and I'm glad it came off that way! I'm very happy to see that you enjoyed it, and thanks for the review! It was quite the ego-booster!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx


That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
- Whitney Brown
  





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189 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 398
Reviews: 189
Tue Oct 04, 2011 4:39 pm
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manisha says...



are you an artist? only a passionate artist can bring colours to life the way you have. being one myself i loved the poem!
i very recently learnt that making every single line rhyme doesnt exactly add to the beauty of a poem and you have not made that mistake :)

Red splashes out, painting the art,
Of sharing and caring, and also of heart.
Then, possessed, twitches across,
Blood and war as on stone embossed

i didnt seem to understand what you mean by the last two sentences.but i will love it if you would explain it to me.

Sighing, I waited, to see what was next,
Wondering what thoughts my canvas complex,
Will bring out of the people who carefully view,
My work, although they will have not a clue.

Carefully blending blue with the yellow,
I had created a hue much more mellow.
Waiting to see the explosion, my strife,
I look at what happens, the start of new life.


there is a thing about rhyming a poem but with a flow. these verse sound forcefully rhymed.

Everybody else got paint that remained,
Stuck on the canvas, permanently stained.
I get stuck with various hues that love,
To grow on the page, and fall from above

i dont know why but this is my most favourite stanza of all.

I laughed at the rainbow made without a thought

for me, this line nailed it.
congratulations!

-manisha
would you please review my latest poem 'duty'? its will be appreciated.
If Novels are a bucket of imagination, Short story is a bucket of imagination made to fit a mug.
  





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11 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1221
Reviews: 11
Tue Oct 04, 2011 8:39 pm
Fiyero says...



No, I'm actually not an artist. I am terrible at drawing, so I let words be my art. :D

For the embossed line, I meant that blood and war seem to leave trails or traces behind in the world, but then it's counteracted by the fact that they can easily be ended by the creator or leader. Actually, I only thought that up now, but it's a good philosophy!

I can see your problem with the first stanza you quoted as being forced rhyming, but I think everything else fits in the second stanza. I only see the problem with the first and third lines in that first stanza, but I'm not sure how to fix it. Would you care to give me an idea? Sorry if it seems like I'm asking for you to do everything.

And I'm really glad that you think the poem ended well, so thanks for the review! I greatly appreciate it!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx


That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
- Whitney Brown
  





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189 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 398
Reviews: 189
Fri Oct 07, 2011 6:48 am
manisha says...



truthfully i have no idea how you would change it. maybe change the whole idea of the stanza. maybe a diffrent flow with the first line. i am sorry. i dont think that was very helpful!
If Novels are a bucket of imagination, Short story is a bucket of imagination made to fit a mug.
  





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Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:48 pm
Matthews says...



Hmm, this was very beautiful...and I enjoyed it. The only thing that bugged me was the rhyme scheme, as it often seemed forced, and half the time you don't rhyme. For example, in the beginning of the poem, "shades" & "arrayed" don't exactly rhyme. You have an AABB scheme, so technically it should rhyme. You have this problem in several areas, and I didn't like the abrupt feeling it gave as you read. The imagery was fantastic, and the ending was good. You kept it moving, so while it's slightly lengthy, the reader doesn't feel bored, and it doesn't 'read' lengthy.

I also think you could take out the 'a' in front of 'thought' at the end...rather a small matter, but thought I'd mention it anyway. Sorry this review wasn't too helpful! Good luck w/ your writing!
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
  





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Fri Oct 07, 2011 5:11 pm
Fiyero says...



No, it was great! I'm trying to use this to aid me overall, so thanks!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx


That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
- Whitney Brown
  





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15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 982
Reviews: 15
Sat Oct 08, 2011 10:15 am
MaryJaneStallheizer says...



I really enjoyed this poem! I definatly agree with some of the other posts about the imagery in the poem, because it was phenomenal! The only thing I thought was a slight bit confusing was when it says
Wash out the stains, of battle, of sword,
Nevertheless, it was a fabulous poem!
  





User avatar
11 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1221
Reviews: 11
Sun Oct 09, 2011 3:13 am
Fiyero says...



Thanks! I'm really glad you like it!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx


That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
- Whitney Brown
  








Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results.
— Willie Nelson