Young Writers Society

Looking down the barrel
of a shiny piece of steel.
Malice in the eyes
Of the one so very near.
You wonder if they think
about how you feel at all.
As you stand helplessly
waiting for your end.
Looking at past events
how did you get here?
At the barrel of a gun
pointed at your head.
What wrong did you do
to get this untimely death instead?
Why not prison bars
Or even death row?
However
No time for thinking.
Just stand very still
Enjoy your last sunset
Let him enjoy his first kill.
Let him know.
You accepted death
A while ago.
Then take your last breathe.
as the trigger lets go.

A quick review. Good poem but my one complaint is that you rhyme in some places but not in others. It is confusing and does not benefit the poem. Either have a deffinte rhyming scheme or none at all. Anyway it is a good poem. Keep writing.

I agree with PollarBear 14. But after all, practice makes perfect. The more you write, the better you'll get at it.

i also agree with polarbear14. but i also really liked your poem. it was nice and easy going. it flowed nicely. i also like how you didnt end everything with a period, that you added a question or two in there really helps i think.

Enjoyable, one grammatical mistake. You said breathe when you meant breath. Other than that, a good poem. A little bit annoying with the odd cases of rhyming then not rhyming, but as you say, you're working on that.

Not my cup of tea - I find that it is a an elaborate idea, that will require alot of hammering. Do not let this sway you, as I forsee something interesting and grabbing.

At the barrel of a gun
pointed at your head.
What wrong did you do
to get this untimely death instead?

I don't know if its just me, but I do not dig this transition. It feels kind of klunky to say. Yah know?
Again it is just in two areas

to get this untimely death instead?
Why not prison bars
Or even death row?
However
No time for thinking.
Just stand very still
Enjoy your last sunset
Let him enjoy his first kill.
Let him know.
You accepted death
A while ago.

^Like this bit^

Yeah I'm going to work on it.. I think it can be something cool.. haha It was pretty late when I wrote it thanks everyone