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Wed Oct 19, 2011 8:37 pm
creativityrules says...



Spoiler! :
Hello! This is a piece I wrote quite a long time ago. I found it scribbled on a piece of notebook paper in my closet. It's long, I know. I left it unedited. So, yeah, thoughts and comments would be awesome!


Everybody says they need somebody else,
that they long for another person to hold,
and without that someone, they feel oh so alone,
like a lone rowboat lost amid waves of insanity.

In imagined peril they weep through the nights
and spend the days wearing a mock grin.
Smile through a perfect shell, oh, or so they think,
and they will at long last come upon their companion.

Dreaming in a muted, muffled world of frightened hearts,
a beacon! Shining, angelic light, a symbol of hope and love.
They swim towards it while drowning in dark confusion
as worldly ideas continue to strangle their exhausted cries.

People in pure clothing beckon to them from a white dock,
outstretching uncalloused hands in gestures of welcome.
Tears of relief and euphoria flow freely from the travelers' eyes
as they come to think that they are finally near a sanctuary.

But as they reach for an uplifting hand, an apparent friend,
their cold fingers grasp desperately upon emptiness,
the result of chasing a mirage, merely a ghost trip.
Will there ever be a safe haven for a continual searcher?

Drearily, the longing souls journey on into the night,
singing songs of mourning amidst the cold sea.
With ever stroke of their tired arms, they cry another tear,
and still another stroke they take, another breath.

Forever they are doomed to travel the ocean of despair.
Due to their own ignorance they are fated to sorrow.
Why can they not see someone following them,
someone who has adored them since the start?
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
  





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Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:03 am
kaylamarie004 says...



I love the reason and the vocabulary you used carefully to identify feelings and emotions. I kind of lost track at where the setting was going, but the topic was beautiful and inspiring.
- Kayla
  





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Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:36 am
amygabb says...



Wow! There were some excellent lines in this poem. Here are some thoughts:

Everybody says they need somebody else,
that they long for another person to hold,
and without that someone, they feel oh so alone,
like a lone rowboat lost amid waves of insanity.
I think this is the best stanza. I love the image of a sea of insanity.

In imagined(ok, I would take out 'imagined' as it doesn't add anything to the lin.) peril they weep through the nights
and spend the days wearing a mock grin.
Smile through a perfect shell, oh, or so they think,
and they will at long last come upon their companion. (I love the 'smile through a perfect shell' but I have an issue with the last line. I don't think it matches with the following stanzas.)

Dreaming in a muted, muffled world of frightened hearts,
a beacon! Shining, angelic light, a symbol of hope and love.
They swim towards it while drowning in dark confusion
as worldly ideas continue to strangle their exhausted cries.

People in pure (I'd take out pure) clothing beckon to them from a white dock,
outstretching uncalloused hands in gestures of welcome.
Tears of relief and euphoria flow freely from the travelers' eyes
as they come to think that they are finally near a sanctuary.

But as they reach for an uplifting hand, an apparent friend,
their cold fingers grasp desperately upon emptiness,
the result of chasing a mirage, merely a ghost trip.
Will there ever be a safe haven for a continual searcher?

Drearily, the longing souls journey on into the night,
singing songs of mourning amidst the cold sea. (Are these searchers still swimming in this stanza? If so, it would be very difficult to sing songs of mourning.)
With ever stroke of their tired arms, they cry another tear,
and still another stroke they take, another breath.

In this part, I agreed with kaylamarie004, I lost track of the setting.

Forever they are doomed to travel the ocean of despair.
Due to their own ignorance they are fated to sorrow.
Why can they not see someone following them,
someone who has adored them since the start?


I lied, the ending is my favorite stanza. It's kind of an unexpected twist but I think it works.

Hope this helped. Good Luck and never stop writing.
Life is not about how you sing in the sun, it is about how you dance in the rain.
  





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Sun Nov 20, 2011 4:14 am
zaid says...



Wow. I'm stunned, I've always thought that a writers true skill lies always in how he picks up the reader and makes the reader feel the exact emotions that you were supposed to feel, and you did just that. I loved the cold feeling you gave when the person grasped the hand and found empty nothingness, and I also adore the theme, I've always thought there are a lot of strange people going around and claiming to say they have lost their loved ones and etc etc, and they always, in the end grasp a cold empty hand that seemed from far away as if it was an angel. :D
The other thing I liked is the color you give the poem combined with the emotions and the twisted plot, it's just a wow poem. :D I look forward to seeing more of your writings. :D
Sincerely,
Zaid.
Sincerely,
Zaid.
  








Wicked people never have time for reading. It's one of the reasons for their wickedness.
— Lemony Snicket