Young Writers Society

Why did he leave?
Am I not good enough?
Did I do something?
I feel like I am missing something,
Where is he?
Does he care?
I have this dream,
I am crying alone,
The room is closing in around me,
He has a choice,
Me or Money,
He chooses the money,
I wake up,
I still feel the same,
Like I am falling apart,
Why did he leave?

I'd like to start out by saying that at no point in this review do I mean to sound insensitive. My father's not been there for me, himself, so I get where you're coming from.

I do like how you started this with a question. I don't like how you kept at it until all heck broke loose in the poetry. In particular, I'd like to think that you could streamline the fourth line and end it with a full stop. I also think that after you finish your barrage of questions, you could separate the dream part into a second stanza, so the reader has a bit of an easier time of it.

I think I'll see what I can do in the way of editing this second half, as I see it, like this (and you can contest any point you like):

I have this dream:
I'm crying alone;
The room is closing in around me.
He has a choice,
Me or money,
And he chooses the money.
I wake up:
I still feel the same,
Like I'm falling apart.
Why did he leave?

It reads a bit complicated, but simple these feelings are not. I love your words, I love how you went about this, but this poem registers as "weak-willed" with me because you don't solidly end anything. You just leave it open, like you're sitting at home waiting for answers. Don't let the readers know that you're really waiting for answers: present them with such a strong attitude that they have no choice but to think you're the strongest one of you to walk the earth.

Like I said, I've been through this kind of thing. Also like I said, this could be better, but I get where you're coming from. Good luck.

Okay. Obviously this is a personal poem, and there's a lot of emotion behind it. That's good - strong emotions are a powerful inspiration for poetry. But right now what I see in this is just more...like a rant, sort of, except that's not quite the right word. I mean, you're asking these questions and whatnot...but it's not really a poem yet. This is a powerful topic backed by a lot of emotion. What you need to do here is inject the emotion into this. I mean - obviously you were feeling a lot as you wrote this, but we need to feel it too. So what you want is more imagery and figurative language - right now you just have a lot of abstract questions and abstract language. Some of this is okay, but see how much you can replace with metaphors. You felt like something was missing - but maybe instead of just saying "I felt like something was missing," you could say that you felt LIKE something without something else - Oreos without milk, flowers without rain...those are kind of lame examples, but I think you get what I'm saying. (Hopefully.)

Let me know when you revise this, I want to see what you come up with!
~Blue

Hey, Teenager!

I can absolutely share your sentiments since I've had the similar sort of emotions as well.

Like Ancient said, you were always asking the questions and not really focusing on the context. Maybe if you could add some descriptions and provide an image so that the whole poem can make a little sense, it would turn this piece around quite well. Right now, for me, it just feels like a hailstorm of raw emotions and confusion. Which is not really a bad thing since you've managed to let out your innermost uncertainties and it shows.

Despite being such a raw piece and filled with feeling, I do believe that there is some novelty to value purely in the sentiment of the poem. As a critic however, this poem is far too unwieldy and definitely needs refinement.

All in all, an interesting piece, capturing your reaction to the situation you've experienced and that alone says a thousand words. In matters of life, just know that it's not about the number of times we fall but whether we can pick ourselves back up and continue the strife. I wish you all the best and hope things always be brighter for you.

Spark your talent and keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza