Young Writers Society

This is a poem inspired by Lewis Carrol's spectacular poem "The White Knights song". It will clear to anyone whose read it (and I urge you to read it) that my poem is very similar but that was the idea. I wanted to have the same sort of poem but in a different context. Anyway enjoy!

I came across a man one day,
of the gruffest stock.
With ravaged hands and thickened arms
from working at the docks.

I spied the mess of blood and dust
that glazed his ragged coat.
While sluggish swigs of fiery ale
trickled down his throat.

Yet just as I began to speak
he beat me to my words.
And began a tale to match his voice-
shockingly absurd.

He told me of his days at sea
upon a valiant vessel,
With a captain who wore on his head,
a mortar and a pessel!
“The ship was named ‘Bewilderment’!
She was painted copper blue!”
He bellowed with the soundest wit,
“I tell you it’s all true!”

Swirls of wist and twirls of wonder
danced within my mind.
“Tell me more oh travelled sir
If you’d be so kind!”

“Do not fret young billyscamp
for my yarn is not complete
I haven’t spoke of the merry time
I tasted sparrows feet!
Why I’ve met a man whose met a man
that search for butterflies
and with his quick and practised hands
made them into mutton-pies.”

“Once inside a dainty inn
I sang myself to sleep.
And emerged amisdt the land of dreams
and dined with fourteen sheep.”
“We toasted life and ate our fill
of fine imported hay.
For that is what a sheep must do
when all is bright and gay.”
-“And all was bright and gay!”

Astounded was my callow mind
to hear of distant lands.
I vowed I’d follow in the steps
of this queer man.

He carried on to tell of how
he’d dived beneath the waves,
to cities made of garnetts
where noone ever shaves.
“There I spent a quiet night
playing cards and chess,
with a friendly man whose splendid beard
lay in a lengthened mess.”

By now the moon had risen
in the inky sky.
And I could see a weariness
in his ever-glinting eyes.
“But that concludes my tale,” he said.
He stroked his whiskers white.
“I cannot sail for ever.
I must say goodnight.”

Since then I have seen many things
and been to distant lands.
But none have seemed as wonderous
as that absurd man.

I really really njoyed this made me chuckle
Keep it up mate
Ste

This is a well thought out poem! I'm not the best rhymer, but your words fit each segment of the poem. Keep it up, I want more!

This was really good and what I liked most was the flow it had because it actually ended up sounding like a song. The rhyming was on point and the flow and rhythm was on point also. I usually read this in my head but today I decided to read it aloud and I just made a pirate song out of it. Lol

My favorite stanza was the last stanza

Since then I have seen many things
and been to distant lands.
But none have seemed as wonderous
as that absurd man.

That was the stanza that made me smile the most. Good job. Keep writing.

a mortar and a pessel!

I believe you mean "pestle".

Why I’ve met a man who'd met a man
that searched for butterflies

"Who's" is a contraction of "who has", though "who had" makes more sense here due to tenses. "Whose" shows possession, and you can't own a meeting.

Going back to tenses, "searched" or "searches" should be used. Also, "search" is always paired up with a plural noun.

There are a number of similar errors scattered throughout this piece. You should be able to catch them yourself with a bit closer proofreading.

In addition, there were points where the rhythm just fell apart. Some lines were too long, while others were far too short. Rhymes rely upon a solid, consistent rhythm; try keeping the syllable counts of rhyming lines consistent, otherwise the rhymes themselves will fall apart.