Young Writers Society

Hi guys. This is for PenguinAttack's contest. Reviews will be very appreciated. Thanks<3 ^_^

The colored candles reflect in his eyes,
as my grandson blows and wishes away.
"We share the same cake," he says.
Sixty more candles and we're the same age.

Every November they gather and sing,
celebrating the first day we cried.
Holy those tears were, which won't come back,
drops that let us know the baby's alright.

And he walks to me all covered in frosting,
bouncing on his feet with a cone-shaped hat.
"Do you want to blow the candles next year?
I should've let you do it this time."

"Son, in the seven falls you've seen,
plus the six decades I've lived,
I learned there are more important things,
than just our own happiness.

Like helping everyone you can on the way,
that's the best satisfaction you'll get.
Don't take for granted the tiks of the clock,
but don't forget to remember the toks.

I already lived the day you're living,
though, time has worn out my memories.
But if my eyes close forever before next fall,
I want you to blow them for me."

LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE! Just like I love all of your work! . You worked so hard on this and yours turned out so much better than mine! Lol, good luck in the competition . Since barely anyone else has entered, and because this is genius of course, I'm sure you'll do greatly!

This part almost made me cry:
I already lived the day you're living,
though, time has worn out my memories.
But if my eyes close forever before next fall
I want you to blow them for me."

I absolutely loved this poem!! It is shows the innocence of the little boy and shows how much he looks to his grandfather (or grandmother?). It's such good writing!! I hope you do well in the competition!

~Chezka

GeeLyria Wow, way to make me sad. Great, amazing, fantastic poem, but really could you please make the next one not so sad ? haha, just kidding, it's really amazing. Really made me think of my grandfather, which was an interesting experience!
It's amazing how you use words to make such amazing word pictures, and convey such poignant issues. I loved that last line, it really hit home with me.

The one and only question I ask, not even with confidence, is whether it's 'tick' or 'tik', because you used 'tik' in the second last stanza.

Keep writing!

Angus

Its an amazing poem!!! i love it so much!!!!

Thanks a lot, guys<333

AAH! TWINNY, I LOVE IT<3
It's beautiful! It's meaningful! It's... AH! D
Fantastic, I loved the flow, the beautiful way you worded it!
It's truly beautiful and it really shows how much the child loves his grandparent. It's noble, in a way.


I only found a few tiny nitpicks, mostly grammatical! Just to make it the absolute most perfect it can be!

Like, helping everyone you can on the way,

You don't necessarily need the comma after the word, "Like". Not as far as I know, anyway.

Don't take for granted the tik's of the clock,
but don't forget to remember the tok's.

You don't need to put apostrophes after the "tik" and "tok". Tiks and toks work too; to have an apostrophe would make them possessive.

All in all, you did fantastically. Great job, Twin <3

Solly!!!

This poem just blows me away. This is the type of poem that really makes me appreciate the fine talent that you bring to your work. I love this so much.

The Grandfather and the Grandson share the same Birth date and are living their life in different phases despite having a common connecting day. And it's this day that is so familiar to these two that really brings out their difference, not only in age and experience, but in the expression and the feelings they portray towards it.

This by far, is my favourite poem by you. You never cease to amaze me with your beautiful words. It's a heart-warming and sweet story about two generations, divided only by time and nothing else. I can see the fine and neat lines that you've laid out and the great use of words. It makes the poem sound personal and I can feel the love. I can only give praise 'cause there isn't much else to say apart from how much I adore this piece.

Your poem deserves to win this contest and I wish you the best of luck. Write more poems that broaden your sphere of thought and you'll make yourself a poetess envied by so many.

I always say this, but I'll say it again - You are an awesome writer!

Murtuza

SOLV-IMOUTO!!!! I love this darling <3 Can't really say much else

Lyria, i am so sad that there is no LOVE button on as an upgrade to the like button. You know why? CAUSE THIS IS FREKAN AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and you say i'm the better writer?! i'm gonna say nay to that one missy! THIS IS SOOO FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!! marry me. lol jk. but really nice job!!!




TuckEr EllsworTh

This is really beautiful and easy to understand and I LOVE IT! I can really feel the love between the speaker and the grandson.

Like helping everyone you can on the way,
that's the best satisfaction you'll get.
Don't take for granted the tiks of the clock,
but don't forget to remember the toks.

This is my favourite stanza because it's so meaningful and it's exactly something a wise, loving old man would tell his grandson. I especially like the use of the "tiks" and "toks".

Great work! Keep writing!

GeeLyria wrote:Hi guys. This is for PenguinAttack's contest. Reviews will be very appreciated. Thanks<3 ^_^

The colored candles reflect in his eyes,
as my grandson blows and wishes away.
"We share the same cake," he says.
Sixty more candles and we're the same age. I LOVE THIS LINE

Every November they gather and sing,
celebrating the first day we cried.
Holy those tears were, which won't come back,
drops that let us know the baby's alright. I think you end this stanza a little too quickly

And he walks to me all covered in frosting,
bouncing on his feet with a cone-shaped hat.
"Do you want to blow the candles next year?
I should've let you do it this time." Could you maybe develop this line a bit more?

"Son, in the seven falls you've seen,
plus the six decades I've lived,
I learned there are more important things,
than just our own happiness. I LOVE THIS STANZA

Like helping everyone you can on the way,
that's the best satisfaction you'll get.
Don't take for granted the tiks of the clock,
but don't forget to remember the toks. This is slightly confusing

I already lived the day you're living,
though, time has worn out my memories.
But if my eyes close forever before next fall,
I want you to blow them for me."

AWWW You ended it so amazingly well!

Hello,

I have to be honest poetry isn't my thing, I very rarely read poetry. However I'm so glad I read yours.
After reading this I will definitely be reading more poetry, also its kind of inspired me to try writing some.
Congratulations on writing a truly powerful piece, was really quite moving.

Ben

This is so.. What's the word to use here? Maybe cute? Sure, I don't know. This is one of the sweetest, most well-written poems I've ever read, and it was very inspiring and moving. It's like you can feel the love between the two, and even though the grandson is only about seven-years-old, you can tell he respects his grandfather/grandmother.

This stanza almost brought me to tears. It was very moving.

I already lived the day you're living,
though, time has worn out my memories.
But if my eyes close forever before next fall,
I want you to blow them for me."

Great job, and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.. Oh, and I hope you win that contest!