Young Writers Society

Hey so this is the longest poem i have ever written, and the creepiest (at least from my point of view) I want to submit this to one of the contests so rip it apart guys! Anything that will make it better. Thanks so much!!!! Enjoy!!!!



A single piano plays
its sad tune across the gray,
and desolate room
reeking of death and gloom

Dying embers wrought
their ghost upon the wall, fraught
with misery and despair,
in this sad living nightmare.

Weeping phantoms saunter these
deserted halls, whilst dead trees
claw at the outter walls of this
decaying mansion, living without a bliss.

Not a soul dares to enter the mansion,
to see the demons
stalk the halls. Not a soul to hear her wail,
Not a soul to tell her tale.

Hear the piano play, hear it everywhere,
filling the murky air.
Hear the sound trickle out the door
as others have left before.

She stands from the piano,
drenched in her sorrow,
to start her long tread,
while gripped with dread.

She strides with effortless grace as
a tear falls from her pale face
and shatters upon
the broken floor, never touched by dawn.

She walks to the highest
room of her tallest
tower. Taking a twisted rope,
handling her only hope.

Slowly she gropes for
the knot to tie in her deathly rope,
standing on top of the stairs.
Driven into her despair.

Letting go of her cares,
she plunges into darkness
with death and decay in the air
as she plummets into nothingness, dreamless.

Not a soul left to play
the lonely piano, filled with dismay.
Not a soul to see the stairs, carpeted in red
or to watch her swing, lifeless and dead.


TuckEr EllsworTh

dogs wrote:A single piano plays.
Its sad tune across the gray,
and desolate room
reeking of death and gloom

Dying embers wrought
their ghost upon the wall, fraught
with missery and despair, Misery
in this sad living nightmere.
nightmare
Weeping phantoms saunter these 'saunter' sounds like you're trying too hard. Try 'plaster' or 'haunt'
deserted halls, whilst dead trees
claw at the outter walls of this Outer
decaying mansion, living without a bliss.

Not a soul dares to enter the mansion, No soul dare enter the mansion
to see the demonsTo see demons stalk the halls
stalk the halls. Not a soul to hear her wail, No soul to hear her wail,
Not a soul to tell her tale. No soul to tell her tale

Hear the piano play, hear it everywhere,
filling the murkey air. murky
Hear the sound trickle out the door
as others have left before.

She stands from the piano,
drenched in her sorrow,
to start her long tread,
while gripped with dread.

She strides with efforless grace as effortless
a tear falls from her pale face
and shatters upon
the broken floor, never touched by dawn. Try revising

She walks to the highest
room of her tallest
tower. Taking a twisted rope, Adding 'tower' here makes it sound awkward. Try revising
handeling her only hope. Handling

Slowly she gropes for
the knot to tie in her deathly rope,
standing on top of the staires. Stairs
Driven into her dispair. despair

Letting go of her cares,
she plundges into darkness plunges
with death and decay in the air
as she plummits into nothingness, dreamless. plummets

Not a soul left to play
the lonely piano, filled with dismay.
Not a soul to see the stairs, carpeted in red
or to watch her swing, lifeless and dead.


TuckEr EllsworTh <- This is so cool! xD

Overall, the eerie tone and the dark theme really stand out and pull me in. This is a great poem with just minor obstacles in its way such as sentencing and spelling. This poem deserves to win, so best of luck in the competition

You've got talent. Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

Hey, Dogs! Rose here!

Overall, this a great poem! As to it being creepy, it is, in a sort of haunted house way. I understood your story and your character, so that's a good thing.

A single piano plays
its sad tune across the gray
and desolate room
reeking of death and gloom.

I like this stanza; however, there's just some missing from this, and I think I know what it is. Sometimes when you're writing about something and attempting to convey a distinct emotion, it's easy to overuse words that are associated with that emotion. In this stanza, you have five such words: sad, gray, desolate, death, and gloom. While you're expressing the emotion to me, I feel like it's somehow too obvious.

You can saturate your poem with details, but it has to be somehow different from the hundreds of other poems written about things just like it. Use words that other people rarely use so that your poem is fresh and memorable, not forgettable. For example, if this piece was a happy poem, you could use the word 'enthusiastic' instead of 'happy', or the word 'smirk' instead of 'grin'. See what I mean? They seem more unique, and therefore more interesting.

Other than that, the only other problem I see with this piece involves spelling. Murtuza already corrected those, so I won't do it again.

All in all, nice piece! Always keep writing!

-Rose

...so many errors. So, so many errors.

Murtuza was kind enough to point out most of them, but honestly, there is no excuse for that many, especially considering that the misspellings would have been picked up by any program with spell-check, and considering that all decent word processors have spell-check built-in, in addition to some browsers (such as Firefox) having the option. There is absolutely no reason why you should have misspellings such as "missery" and "nightmere".

Please proofread your writing before posting. Reviewers are not editors; we'd rather read and enjoy your writing than go through pointing out elementary errors, especially when those errors are so easily caught and corrected.

As it stands, I caught a few errors in the first two stanzas, skimmed the poem to check for more, found a ton in the next stanza, and couldn't be bothered to finish reading it. That you managed to spell uncommon words like "wrought" and "fraught" correctly, yet misspell such common words as "nightmare" and "misery" just hurts my brain, to be perfectly honest.

Ok, Kyllorac. I don't know if you have ever picked this up from some of my other poems... but i have really bad dyslexia. I try very hard to catch all of my errors and often times i miss a lot. For some reason when i am submitting poems the damn thing dosn't frekan spell check all of my crap so that crosses out that option. According to your spell check it says disert is a word and that handeling and dispair is spelled correctly. A lot of these words, because i'm such a shitty speller as you have already pointed out, i don't ever spell at all and i thought thats how they were spelled actually. I re-read this things over and over again and i find nothing because obviously i can't spell or use grammar for crap. Thank you for falsely accusing me of not proof reading my work and just being lazy, feels real good.

Murtza, thanks so much for pointing out all my errors and finding all the things i have missed. It's really helpful for me and i know it's tedious and you do it a lot so thanks so much. I was trying a different stanza structure where i have one sentence stretched throughout 3-4 stanzas while still having my A, A, B, B rhyming scheme. Obviously it didn't work really well so back to the drawing boards i guess!

I edited and fixed all the errors even though the so called "spell check" claimed they were all correct.