Young Writers Society

This is one of the few poems I've written in my lifetime, and it's certainly the first one I've posted on YWS. It's safe to say I had no idea what I was doing.

Asking forgiveness for misplaced loyalty

I’ve lived for a long while now in this castle, you know,
and I could tell you
almost anything about it. I know how
the stone in the tower grows cold in
the winter, how the
mice get into the kitchen
even still, the names of
the people in the portraits and the
colors of the rugs in the halls.

I was here when
they built the thicker outer wall, and
I watched as they chiseled
the slits for the archers. I was here as
they dug the moat and
diverted the river. I remember when
merchants from all over would come to sell
their wares in the market,
but that was years ago.

This castle’s been under siege, you know,
for longer than I’ve been here,
from one other kingdom or another. At first
it was just a small attack
now and then, but then
they were larger and better organized. That’s why
they built the new wall and
made the slits
for the archers. That’s why they
dug the moat and diverted
the river. That’s why the
merchants no longer come
by, you realize. We’ve been barricaded
in for months now. They’re trying
to starve us out. We’re
trying to outlast them.

Sometimes, though, I think it’s
all for nothing, and I don’t even
know what it’s
about, and since I know
everything about this castle, I
wonder if I shouldn’t tell
those men outside the walls about
the faults in the stone. They could
aim their cannons there and
we’d stop all this
waiting for surrender or retreat.

But these are
treasonous thoughts,
dangerous ideas.
And I’ve lived in this castle
for too long a time now to
watch it become rubble.

The drawbridge, though. You
can see if it you look
hard enough through the
night. I could let down the drawbridge
and open the gates,
and the men outside could storm in
and it’d all be over and
our men could be dead and our
women could be raped and whatever they
do with children could be done
and we'd all stop dreaming and
remembering how it all once was
and eating with mice with
jealous teeth and
thinking traitorous thoughts as the
blood and disease run down our hands
and thinking and thinking I
know everything about this castle,
everything, everything, everything,
the drafts and the faults and the
weaknesses in the drawbridge
chains.

But you'd kill me if I tried.

Hey Rach I am sorry if this review is very unhelpful, but I shall try my best to analyse your poem.

You say you hardly write poems? Are you sure? This is a great poem! You should write them way more often! All of your stanzas were at least really good- I am not so fond on the second one- but overall it had a really nice vibe to it.

Your choice of words is awesome. On paper I wasn't sure if the idea of the castle was going to work when I read the first two stanzas, but by god. Your third stanza is easily one of the best in the entire poem. It had a lot of history to it, and it educated me a lot about towers/sieges/attacks. This song reminds me of a song by REM, Cuyahoga, in the way that although this poem has been creatd by you, it is influenced by an event in the past. It had really nice vocab too, especially the last stanza.

The drawbridge, though. You
can see if it you look
hard enough through the
night. I could let down the drawbridge
and open the gates,
and the men outside could storm in
and it’d all be over and
our men could be dead and our
women could be raped and whatever they
do with children could be done
and we'd all stop dreaming and
remembering how it all once was
and eating with mice with
jealous teeth and
thinking traitorous thoughts as the
blood and disease run down our hands
and thinking and thinking I
know everything about this castle,
everything, everything, everything,
the drafts and the faults and the
weaknesses in the drawbridge
chains.

I loved that detail about the blood and disease. It added a lot of drama and symbolism to your poem. I am also digging the line about eating with mice with jealous teeth- could this be a metaphor for politics? Either that or I am reading wayy too deep into it.

But you'd kill me if I tried.

Perfect way to end a perfect poem. Well done Rachael. You should write poetry way more often.

Hi, Rachael! So, you’re my victim to help me get back in to remembering how to review! <3

Ok, so, mostly, I love it. You do tend to use too many words (ok, in my opinion. I like concise. I blame my modernist professor. Still).

I love the last line in your second stanza, “but that was years ago.” If you don’t mind me using that stanza? Just keep in mind that I’m not you, and I’m just playing so the words sound good in my head.

I watched? You need a stronger verb that “was”, I think here when
they built the thicker outer wall, and
I watched asthey chiseled
the slits for the archers. I was here as
theydug the moat and
diverted the river. I remember when
The merchants from all over would comecameto sell
their wares in the market,
but that was years ago.

Anyway, that’s just an example. I tend to make things as concise as humanely possible. However! You do keep the same pattern throughout, which is good. And I do like it, just passive tense tends to bother me. And I know I have a really hard time getting my own writing out of passive, so uh, I stick my nose in and “help” everyone with it, whether they ask for it or not. Anyway, I think poetry’s all about word choice and cadences, so in my head it’s helpful, anyway?

Also, last line. Is win.

I’m not quite sure what to do with your title – granted, this could easily be me being thick-headed. Like, I can understand it, but not? I’ve stopped making sense, I know.

Anyway! If you have any questions, or anything, just drop me a line! Or nab in chat, whatever.

And when you post more poems, tell me! I wanna see ‘em!

Mesh

Hey Rachael,

This review will probably crash and burn, but I'll see how it goes.

Firstly, the poem is quite messy, which I'm sure you might realise. In parts, it's all over the place and that doesn't particularly seem deliberate to me. As the poem goes on, it just gets more messy and though the effect this creates could be good, mainly I think you just need to look at it a little closer and try to tighten it up a little. Don't take away the frenzied atmosphere, as in the last stanza that's pretty awesome, but try to keep this whilst also trimming away a little at what you already have.

A way to stop it being so messy is just to think more carefully about what you're saying. A lot of the time your lines could be cut down a lot whilst still retaining the same sentiment. Parts seem like word vomit - it's pretty good word vomit, but nonetheless you need to be more picky with what you're saying so that it's more crafted that just written.

Right now, the 'misplaced loyalty' part isn't hugely relevant because the entire poem pretty much focuses on the castle, and I'm not too sure where the narrator's loyalty is being misplaced - or, rather, why it's being misplaced. I feel like the emotions could come through a little more strongly in regards to this: I'm sort of seeing what you're saying, but I'd prefer it if some focus could be shifted to the relevance of the emotions behind the title.

As I said, not sure how useful this review might be but hopefully it'll give you some ideas.

Amy