Young Writers Society

The White Crow

One wings of white
feathers agleam,
is brought the news.
The white crow screams:

"The dead they walk
skin pale as snow,
tonight they come,
empty eyes aglow!"

The white crow,
those eyes of blood
see destruction,
rivers will flood.

On borrowed time,
the living flee.
"Too slow you fools!"
The white crow shrees.

A warning brought,
no one will heed.
The dead they walk,
the living bleed.

Hey Stone! Dogs here with your review today! So this is an interesting and very different poem from what I see everyday which is good because I read a lot of the same topic everyday. Anyways I might point out that this topic might be a little to extravagant for my tastes but thats just me. Anyways this is a very good simple and descriptive poem getting a non complex idea across.

So the big thing I am really missing in this poem that I want to see is imagery, you have great description but I want to see imagery, what do the dead look like? What will they do to the living? All great poems incorporate at least a little bit of imagery in their writing and you do have some imagery in yours but I want to see more!

So now building off of that you have a very good rhyming scheme that has been used increasingly more since SwallowedByInsanity had been writing in that form lol. Anyways I have noticed that there are some times in your writing where your rhyming seems forced, you have faced what everyone faces when they write in rhyming format. So for example when you say this:

"those eyes of blood.../
rivers will flood"

So in this line you are setting up how destruction will reek havoc everywhere and just rivers flooding seems like a very un-impressive way to represent the destruction that you are trying to describe. A large portion of your poem hangs on this one line because it is talking about the destruction and when you come up with something short like just rivers flooding, the intimidation and everything of this poem lose's its magic.

So thats all I really have to say. This is a good poem but has potential to be a great poem. Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh

*waves* Hi~ C: Just wanted to say, before I review this poem, I got goosebumps while reading it. xD
Now off we go!

One wings of white
feathers agleam,
is brought the news.
The white crow screams:

Right away, as I read this, my mind became confused. I didn't really understand because your words are plural but you start off the sentence with 'one.' Maybe you should change that up a bit, like change 'one' to 'two'? Maybe something like, "Two wings of white feathers [gleam]." The line 'is brought the news' throws me off a tad too. Try changing that a little too. Also, at the end of 'The white crow screams', put a comma instead of a colon.

"The dead they walk
skin pale as snow,
tonight they come,
empty eyes aglow!"

This line simply entranced me. It was well told and mysterious. Really good. The only thing I myself would change, would be putting aperiod after 'snow' and capitalizing the 't' in 'tonight'.

The white crow,
those eyes of blood
see destruction,
rivers will flood.

I found nothing wrong with this line. C;

On borrowed time,
the living flee.
"Too slow you fools!"
The white crow shrees.

This here was my favorite stanza in the entire poem. The words seemed to flow together and the rhyming scheme was really good.

A warning brought,
no one will heed.
The dead they walk,
the living bleed.

I loved this line too. It was a perfect way to end the poem; the white crow had brought forth a valuable warning that no one paid attention to and recieved the consequences!

This was a really great poem and I enjoyed reading and reviewing it as well. Keep writing! C:
~Disenchanted

Wow! A poem written in stone! Ooohh.
Hi I'm Al, and since I love stones and oddly colored birds, I'll give your poem a review!

Concept & Theme:
I've read this somewhere. It's like the Boy Who Cried Wolf, in the last chapter, and Ice Age II. The good little crow went to warn everyone but no one believed him . And what do everyone gets? Death! Hooray for the crow. I like the theme a lot. It was cold. The crow didn't loss its cynic as it tells its foresight, unlike most who panics a lot. Great work!

Technicalities:
Hey, there are no flaws. Great work! On second thought, there is one thing I would like you to see...

The white crow,
those eyes of blood
see destruction,
rivers will flood.

It seems that 'those eyes' didn't sound fitting in the stanza. Also, I didn't like the 'rivers of flood'. I think you should put an explanation, in stanza of course, about how the flood happened, not just 'flood here and there and everyone dies'!

Content:
As I've said, it was cold. Words were told coolly and cynically, which is perfect. I like it that your word choice, verse structure and title were all coherent! Good job!

Overall:
Three happies! That means your poem is a pretty solid one. Great words, structures and concept. Keep writing 'cause I'll be waiting for more from you!

Your White Rabbit,
Al